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Happy birthday Chan Ho Park! We hope you had a fantastic 37th birthday yesterday.
It took me a long time to write this post, because I accidentally fell down a wormhole of googling hot pictures of you in your beard (of which there are many). You know I have a thing for beards!
Anyway, instead I’ve used a current snap of you in your new Yankees gear just to get this post out the door. Eventually I realized that, beard or no beard, you’ll never really look quite so hot as you chould… if you’re a YANKEE.
Oh yeah, and happy birthday anyway!
(Hi Jen, go Red Sox!)
So, I was wrong, apparently? (What an unfamiliar and awful sensation. May it never happen again.) Because Chan Ho Park recently disclosed why he sucked on Opening Day, and it had nothing to do with his missing beard.
Some people think it’s funny–and, in this case, it is very VERY funny–but it’s really rotten and runny and it will eff up your ERA, too.
Filed under: Asian Baseball Players, Chan Ho Park, Chan Ho Park Diarrhea, Chan Ho Park Yankees, Chan Ho Park's Beard, Diarrhea, Diarrhea Of the Mouth, Funny Stuff, MLB, New York Yankees, Overshares, Oversharing, Relief Pitchers, TMI
Opening Day of baseball began with a moment of silence for the death of…
Oh, Chan Ho Park’s Beard. We hardly knew you. Your life was cut short–no pun intended, this is a eulogy for fuck’s sake–and you did not make it long enough–ahem–to see your first year. But you accomplished great things in the precious little time you were with us. Is it a coincidence that around the time of your birth, The Face That Wore You had one of his best seasons in recent history? We think not. Is it a coincidence that only after you arrived, The Face That Wore You pitched in his first World Series? Nay.
Yet The Face That Wore You never understood your magic. He began to doubt you back in October, when his team lost to The Team That Forbids You. Surely it was then, as he witnessed their beard-murdering faces, one after the other, beating down his tribe with their wood clubs, that he began to plot your end. And later when The Face That Wore You switched allegiances to The Team That Forbids You, he all but signed your death sentence. Is it any wonder that in his first outing without you, victory eluded him? Does The Face That Wore You have any idea that, without you, he’s doomed to failure (in baseball and in hotness)?
Wishing Johnny Damon a happy birthday is total fucking overkill. We refuse to do it. Here’s why:
Johnny Damon and Joba the Hutt Chamberlain celebrate the New York Yankees’ 27th World Series title
Imagine you’re Johnny Damon. You wake up today, and it’s your 36th birthday. You’re hungover, no, scratch that, you’re still drunk from the night before, because you raged into the wee hours after winning the World Series. Not your first World Series, mind you, but your second…in five years. Would it be gauche to wear both rings at once, you wonder, sleepily, drunkenly, grinning at the irony of your World Series ring won with the Red Sox and your World Series ring won with the Yankees glinting side by side on your knuckles. (You’re pretty stoked that you know what “irony” is, too. Well, sorta, but you wouldn’t want to have to put it in, like, actual words.)
Congratulasians to Hideki Matsui, who was named World Series MVP after the Yankees finished off the Phillies, 7-3, in six Wednesday. Matsui, whose nickname is “Godzilla” in Japan, had a monster night in the Series clincher–he homered, doubled, and singled while tying the record for most RBI (6) in a World Series game. The 35 year-old hit .615 in the Series overall.
Matsui is the first Japanese-born baseball player to receive the Most Valuable Player honor and described Wednesday night as “the best moment of my life right now.” It also may have been his last moment as a Yankee, since he’s reached the end of a four year-contract with the team.
So what’s next for the Japanese outfielder/DH?
Filed under: A-ROD SUCKS, Alex Rodriguez Centaur Painting, Bandwagons, Depressing News, Hideki Matsui, Hideki Matsui World Series MVP, Japanese Baseball Players, MLB, New York Yankees, Winners, Yankees Win 27th Title, Yankees Win World Series, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
Realizing that you feel sorry for a Yankee player is, I imagine, something like waking up one day with an STD gnawing away at your genitals. (Not that I speak from experience, because, um, eww.) How did this happen? Who did this to me? What’s it gonna take to get over this horrible affliction?
Of course I’ve always had a soft spot for Chien-Ming Wang, because we have the same name, and he’s schooling people on how to say it right. I even like to think that we might be distant cousins. But as long as he’s in pinstripes, fuck him. Then again, he’s having an EPIC FAIL year. Last week, it was revealed that he had the worst ERA (21.61 runs) through five starts since they started keeping track of ERA’s–back in 1913. Then he was told before this Wednesday’s game against the Nationals–along with the media and everybody else who reads the sports pages–that he was pitching for his job. “We thought it was in our best interests to be honest with him and tell him it’s time to be the real Chien-Ming Wang,” his manager Joe Girardi said, prior to the game.
Although the Yankees lost yesterday, the “real Chien-Ming Wang” showed up and had his best outing of the year, which means he keeps his job for now. (Clearly, Girardi understands the efficacy of Hardass Public Humiliasian.) As an added bonus, Wang and his wife, Chia-Ling Wu, welcomed their first child, Justin Jesse Wang, on Tuesday. So things are finally looking up for the dude.
Which is good, because feeling sorry for a Yankee is about as pleasurable as an itchy, burning crotch.
Filed under: Asian Baseball Players, Chien-Ming Wang, Crotch, ERA's, Hardass Asian Coaches, Joe Girardi, Justin Jesse Wang, MLB, New York Yankees, NY Yankees, Pitchers, Public Humiliation, STDs, Taiwanese
Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming “It’s pronounced ‘Wong,’ dumbass” Wang has a Twitter account. Allegedly. I can’t tell if it’s real or not, because his tweets are so on the nose.
Take a gander:
I mean, “Our team need play better” and “At least I didn’t get a loss. I Try to pitch shut out next time”? That’s right out of the Hardass Asian Pitcher Handbook! And we all know what a hard time our peeps have with pizza, the first time they encounter it. Do you think he eats it with a knife and fork, or does he prefer the foldover method, like my grandma? Anyway, as endearing as his Twitter page is–fake or no–I won’t be following his ass any time soon until he ditches those pinstripes.
[via Fantasy Baseball Dugout]
Happy 34th birthday to to Hideki Matsui, oh ye of the golden glove and bat! This is your first year as a married man and your last year in the lovely “early thirties”… live it up!
slow drivers in the fast lane
my asshole neighbors
eating spaghetti late at night
owning a cellphone
cleaning my closet.
Recently, I confronted my walk-in closet in an effort to contain the chaos mounting within it. What this meant was parting with clothing, shoes, bags, and several palpable reminders that PMS not only makes you fat and weepy, it also makes you buy ugly shit like plum-colored corset boots and cropped white silk waistcoats, shit that only belongs in Purple Rain the movie and does not, try as you might, make you look smoking hawt like Apollonia. One of the items I donated during this clean-up that wasn’t foolish so much as sentimental was my red “Johnny (Damon) Is My Homeboy” tee. I bought it online back when Johnny still played for the Red Sox. For a short while, the shirt was magic. It was the shirt that got me through The Comeback against the Yankees and the 2004 World Series that followed. It was the shirt that I wore at Fenway on Opening Day the next season when the team got their rings and Boston fans cheered Mariano Rivera for choking and the whole city forgot to be cold, cranky, and anxious for a day. It was a shirt soaked in sweat, fear, elation, and the pheromones I gave off every time I saw Johnny’s ass on TV.
But, as many of you know, Johnny Damon left the Red Sox after the 2005 season for the Yankees. He shaved his beard, cut his hair, and started looking like a grade-A dork. And since then, the man, the shirt, and even that fine ass, have been dead to me. Until today. When I found it that “homeboy” is actually my homeboy, half-Thai to be exact.
How come I’m the last person to find out?! Did y’all know this? (Of course you did.) I had always heard that he was Native American but…what?! How did this particular and very important factoid escape me? And, apparently he’s “active” in the Asian community. Huh?! I need to set up a Google Alert for people whom I’m going to call from this day forward asiancognitos–those who don’t look like or aren’t known to be members of the tribe but who, in fact, are (like Karen O, Eddie Van Halen, George Clooney’s girlfriend).
Somehow, the fact that Johnny Damon is Asian makes his being a Yankee hurt less. I can’t really explain why or how. I guess certain allegiances run deeper than others, than even my love for the Sox. Or that blood is thicker than Gatorade. All I really know is that I now kinda wish I hadn’t given away that stupid T-shirt.
Okay. Let’s start with playoff baseball. The first round resulted in 3 sweeps, one 4-game division series. Here I am at Game 3 Angels vs. Red Sox looking like a total bitch (on national television!), but really I was jittery and nervous, even though the Sox were up by 6 runs at that point. We went on to sweep the Angels that day. Phew…After flaming out with the New Yawk Mets, Kaz “The Other Less Famous” Matsui has found new life with the Colorado Rockies. Must be that mountain air or getting as far the fuck away from Alyssa Milano as possible. Matsui hit his first career grand slam in game 2 against the Phillies. Congratulasians, Kaz! The Rockies have moved on to the NLCS against ArizzZzzzzona. Still, I couldn’t care less about the National League…One of the weirdest things happened during the 8th inning in game 2 between Cleveland and New York that I’ve ever seen in baseball. A biblical swarm of flies descended on Cleveland’s Jacobs Field, clustering around the pitcher’s mound. Joba the Hut Chamberlain, who was brought in to relieve Pettitte after a spectacular outing, pitched a phenomenal 7th but lost his shit in the 8th because he was literally covered in flies (midges, to be exact). He walked Grady Sizemore to start out the inning, while the Yanks were up 1-0, and Sizemore would eventually tie the game on a wild pitch from Joba. The Indians went on to win 2-1 in the 11th. Guess God wasn’t listening that night to the fat fuck…Things that make me sad–that Marion Jones used steroids (I know, I know, it was obvious) and that Joe Torre may be fired as the Yankees manager…As a Cowboys fan groomed in the 80′s, I’m not getting my panties in a bunch about their 5-0 record. SportsCenter reported that the last time the Cowboys started 5-0 was in 1983. Know what happened that year? Nu-thing. The Raiders were still in LA and they won the Super Bowl. Dallas’ Monday Night game against Buffalo was like watching escaped asylum patients play some demented version of football. Tony Roma had 4 INTs in the first half, 5 in all and 1 fumble. He doesn’t earn the name “Romo” until he proves he’s more than just a likable guy with a pretty good arm…Venus Williams won the Korean Open a few weeks ago, which means she got to be…a Racial Drag Queen for a day! She’s a good sport to accept this trophy in traditional Korean garb, but I wouldn’t say she’s rockin’ the hanbok.
My new baseball nemesis is this fat fuck Joba Chamberlain. He played an important role in the Red Sox getting swept in an utterly painful series between them and the Yanks this week. A series in which Daisuke Matsuzaka, aka Sir Dice-A-Lot, was left in the game too long and gave up a 2-run homer to Johnny “F-ing Traitor” Damon, and Chien-Ming Wang, aka the Wonger, pitched a no-hitter until the seventh inning last night.
But back to that fat fuck. He was suspended today for 2 games and fined after throwing over the head of Kevin Youkilis TWICE yesterday in the ninth, when the Yankees were locking down the game 5-0. Who the F “goes inside” when you’re up 5-0 in the final inning? That is bullshit.
My real problem with Joba, however, is his ritual before taking the mound. He takes a moment, and he PRAYS. Please bear in mind that I have no quibble with prayer. None. Zilch. But if you wanna pray, please don’t stop the game only to display how down you are with Jesus while the cameras are rolling.
You know that long-ass run that relief pitchers in most ballparks have to make, usually to the tune of G’N'R or Metallica or something heavy? That is a wonderful time for a private communion with God. Or, how about when they call you from the dugout phone and you’re still in the bullpen? Isn’t God supposed to be like really good WiFi–with Him, you get a signal anywhere?
Also, FYI–”Joba” is pronounced “Jabba.” As in “the Hut.”
Last Friday, the New York Yankees formally introduced their two 19 year-old, Chinese prospects, pitcher Kai Lu and catcher Zhenwang Zhang, to the media. Yankees General Manager Brian Ca$hman was also present at the press conference.
Kai Lu: Ching-chong ching-chong.
Zhenwang Zhang: Ching-chong.