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And while it didn’t make me laugh, its weirdly dark turn at the end, where the Quiet Asian Dude winds up committing three counts of aggravated assault, sure made me feel funny.
Gossip Girl and ethnics don’t mix. It’s been well-documented by DISGRASIAN since the first episode, when the Black Chick and the Asian Chick (aka The Haragossip Girls) were mutely paraded around in matching outfits, that non-white characters tend to be used on the show like accessories. After the writers’ strike, when the actress who played the Asian Chick decided to go back to Brown to study neuroscience instead of returning to the hit show where she had more headbands than lines (I know..how Asian), the Mutasian was replaced by another Asian Chick, whose character turned out to be a royally drippy–and tragically uninteresting–Nerd.
It’s only when the show stopped all of its tokenizing whatthefuckery that it actually got good. Season 2 opened with a “White Party” in the Hamptons (Diddy was nowhere to be seen), a fitting metaphor for what Gossip Girl is really about: pretty, rich white people trapped in a particular ring of hell where life is one neverending party that you can never leave. The Black Chick and the New Asian Chick have cropped up here and there, and they do speak now and again, but you’d be hard-pressed to name them, because they’re on the show so infrequently. The only ethnics left who still have significant roles are Dorota, the Waldorfs’ Polish maid (ethnic in the old school sense and a more politically-correct, non-WASP buffoon), and Vanessa, who I still contend is coded brown, mostly because of the gigantic earrings she always wears, but their place in the GG hierarchy has more to do with money and education (and their lack thereof) than with ethnicity, perceived or otherwise.
Which is fine by me, because ethnicity is clearly beyond the show’s reach. People of color on the show have been portrayed about as accurately as Yale was in Episode 6 of this year, when the Dean was depicted as a George Plimpton-esque bon vivant who had nothing better to do than play parlor games with prospectives and the co-ed, secret senior society Skull and Bones was THE Skull and Bones, all-male, and had a boner for Chuck Bass, who is still in high school.
Speaking of Gossip Girl‘s resident bad boy, Chuck seems to be the only character still dabbling with the dark side (i.e. the non-white). Whether it’s his rendezvous with that Japanese flight attendant earlier in the season, or his coy reference to his “daily shiatsu” a few episodes back, or the intriguing preview we got at the end of Monday night’s episode (see below), Chuck’s escape from the restricting corset of Upper East gentility usually involves a skeevy dive into the Otherworld:
Is that an Oriental massage parlor I see? An opium den? An Oriental massage parlor/opium den? What’s with that Asian drumming music? Don’t get me wrong, I’m down with Chuck’s downward spiral into abject hedonism–the most interesting if overacted plot development of the show thus far–but please, for the love of sweet white Jesus, leave us out of this.
Hails from: San Francisco
Why He’s a Babe: We contend that 35 year-old Tim Kang is the reason why CBS gave its hit panty-dropping procedural The Mentalist a full-season pickup. Think about it. Who doesn’t want more of those sad, soulful eyes? That strong, silent-type presence in every other scene where Simon Baker is eye-fucking the scenery? That unyielding straight face, tailor-made for comedies (or do we mean farces?) like The Mentalist, where serial killers leave smiley-faces for signatures? And how about the way he puts on them latex gloves? Can we get some w00t w00t-action from the back section? So what if the man never speaks
MUTASIAN ALERT? Just the way he gives the Hardass Asian Read in an interrogation room to fresh-scrubbed criminals is enough to sustain a series, right? That’s our story anyway, and we’re sticking to it.
Television’s most inexplicably riveting and addictive piece of designer poo, Gossip Girl, has found its way over to Japan–at least in advertising, anyway.
And, just as things are in Gossip Girlville, USA, the Asian chick in the back (with the knee socks) also doesn’t speak.
A new Asian chick has joined the cast of Gossip Girl. And she walks and talks! And her character has a name!
We’re movin’ on up, to the East Side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky-y-y!
Only problem is, “Nelly Yuki” (as played by Yin Chang) is a NERD. If Diana were talking about her, she would say, “A total NNERRRRRRRRRRD.” So, yeah, I don’t mean that in a cool way. Take, for example, the “A” story of last night’s episode, which has Serena’s frenemy Georgina returning to the Upper Beast Side, chugging Cosmos, reconnecting with her coke dealer, hitting on older men, and drugging Serena’s diet Coke. Compare that to the Nelly “B” story, which has Blair’s academic frenemy (wait, what, they actually go to school??) and main competition for Yale pushing her chunky glasses up her nose a lot, lugging her violin case everywhere, studying for the SAT furiously, whining about her boyfriend dumping her, professing she is lactose intolerant, looking cross-eyed, and getting the batteries stolen out of her calculator by Blair before her college boards. RIVETING stuff, right?
It looks like Nelly “Let’s Get Retarded in Here” Yuki will stick around for a few episodes, but don’t expect a whole lotta sizzle from that steak. Examine the stills below, the first of which was taken when the other Asian chick “Kati Farkas” was on the show, and the second from next week’s episode:
“HaraGossip Girl here. You’re one and only silent source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite. Seen today in the pages of New York’s most salacious tabloids–“A ‘Gossip Girl’ dropout – or did Leighton Meester push her out?” That’s right, yours truly has fled the eating disorder-infested, Tory Burch-worshiping, Hamptons-summering, coked-out confines of Park Avenue for the eating disorder-infested, Tory Burch-worshiping, Westport-summering, coked-out confines of Brown University. Miss me?
There will be a new Asian chick on the Upper East Side, but she’s apparently not my replacement. An unnamed source has confirmed that homegirl’s just part of a ‘new group of random bitchy girls.’ Random, huh? Come to think of it, maybe she is my replacement. Whatever, moving on…
Even though Gossip Girl creator Josh Schwartz is spreading the rumor that I enrolled at Brown during the writers’ strike and failed to tell anyone (I mean, who is he kidding? Has he never heard of a Blackberry?), only I know the reason why I left, and you’re getting the 411 first.
Truth is, during the writers’ strike, I watched the show on reruns and had a life-changing realization. Namely…FUCK THIS. I gave up a budding career in neuroscience research to be set dressing? To be a sidekick to that doughy-faced brunette and that wrinkly Gwyneth wannabe? Aw hell no. I’m going back to school to discover the cure for Alzheimer’s. Right around the time Gossip Girl jumps the shark (prediction: midway through season 2), you’ll find me scooping up a Nobel. Au revoir, bitches!
xoxo, ex-HaraGossip Girl”
JIN: I don’t know. It kinda looks like we’re still here.
SUN: Yeah, I know, but I feel like we’re not really here.
JIN: So we ARE in a time warp?
SUN: No, that’s not it. I mean, I’ve just been hearing a lot of things lately, like, “Where did that cute Korean couple go? I haven’t seen them around. They were just starting to make things work. What happened to them?” and I’m afraid that, uh–
SUN: I’m afraid we’ve become invisible.
JIN: Whoa. Like, this island has made us invisible? Just like it made my junk work and got you preggo?
and by that we mean pervs is talking about “magibon,” the latest YouTube sensasian. The wide-eyed, Japanese Margaret Keane doll doesn’t say anything in her videos, leaving viewers to speculate about their subtext. Me personally? I think girlfriend looks like she just vomited in her mouth and is doing her damnedest to swallow it:
UPDATE: Ahh. Now we know the real reason behind that tight-lipped smile.
Like many of you, DISGRASIAN made New Year’s Resolutions for ’08. Some of these resolutions are diet-related, about cutting back our consumption of certain things. Some are about getting rid of bad relationships. Some are focused on eliminating negative thoughts. They’re probably just like yours in one way or another, only we call them New Year’s Resolasians. Of course, resolasians, like resolutions, are meant to be broken, and ours are kinda contingent upon other people, but keep your fingers crossed for us, anyway, will ya?
No more Buddhist Prayer Hands.
No more Fisting.
No more Mutasians.
No more Bad Fuck Charms.
No more Disgrestaurants.
No more Chinysteria.
No more Engrish as “news”.
No more Gongbangin’.
No more Racial Drag.
No more Samurites.
No more White Hooker Boots.
No more Drive-Bis.
Have a great ’08 everyone!
A newer better DISGRASIAN
TV Guide reports that some opportunist/smart reality producers are casting their way towards a knockout future hit that could find some life during the seemingly endless WGA strike: a reality version of CW’s HaraGossip Girl.
They offer excerpts from a freshly discovered casting notice:
“Are you the real Gossip Girl?” the notice asks. “Maybe an adorable Seth Cohen prepster who hates TV? Either way, we’d love to chat with you. We’re looking for NYC prep-schoolers for a reality show [to air on] a major youth-oriented network. Most importantly, we are looking for attractive-but-mute ‘ethnics’–black, Asian, Latina, or any colors of other, to fill in the background*”
Any of y’all need a job?**
I’d like to begin this week with a chant. Join me?
MORE MUTASIAN BACKUP PERFORMERS!
MORE MUTASIAN BACKUP PERFORMERS!
MORE MUTASIAN BACKUP PERFORMERS!
MORE MUTASIAN BACKUP PERFORMERS!
I think we’re getting somewhere. Now let’s build a clothing line around this
token Asian chick.
I know we’ve given you shit in the past, mostly because you’re hot and you’re Miss Universe and we’re bitchy and a little jealous. But I’ve come around to you. I’ll admit I’ve been watching Pageant Place–and I won’t even pretend that I’ve been doing so “ironically”–and you are my favorite character on the show. Sure, you’re basically mutasian (a mute Asian character often seen on television and in movies), but in this case, it’s a good thing, since all the other beauty queens you’re forced to live with are hysterical crybabies having hissy fits and bitchfights every five seconds (which I watch with pleasure, also unironically). Your silence conveys a certain dignity that I feel your housemates are sorely lacking. You come across as a decent, classy gal.
And hey, I just wanted to tell you, you are rockin’ those new bangs, which you debuted at the Vogue Nippon Women of the Year awards last weekend. But what I can’t for the life of me figure out is why you wore this, this thing:
This is not classy. This is not dignified. This is just…ewww.
thinking of you and skipping lunch today,