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An Internal Conver$ation

June 2nd, 2010 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

Ke$hia at the MTV VMAJ Awards in Tokyo, May 29

KE$HA: Domo arigato, Mr. Tokyo! I love you all!!!

KE$HA’S HEADDRESS: Horrible. Just horrible. Please, let’s just go inside.

KE$HA: They love me! They love the $tatement I’m making!

KE$HA’s HEADDRESS: And what statement is that?

KE$HA: That Lady GaGa isn’t the only knockoff that can make it big this year.

KE$HA’S HEADDRESS: That’s it?

KE$HA: And my generation really does have new and innovative art to offer!

KE$HA’S HEADDRESS: Like what?

KE$HA: Durrr. Like 80′s jeans and hippie dresses and disco indie rock.

KE$HA’S HEADDRESS: AH.

Continue reading An Internal Conver$ation

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Kanye, Real Apologies Aren’t Written In Caps Lock

September 14th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Kanye,

It seems unnecessary at this point to remind you that you are a douche. It also seems pointless to ask if you’ve been taking lessons from that other loudmouth with no fuckin’ shame, Joe Wilson. Frankly, it’s clear that you’re an asshole with a God complex. That’s your “thing.” You behave as though–simply because you are a successful music and pop culture maker–you contribute something truly significant to society, and might actually matter long after we all turn into carbon matter and dust. Oh man, we hope you take disappointment well.

But let’s talk about last night’s assface behavior. What you did to that sweetheart girl, Taylor Swift, during her one joyous moment accepting the MTV Award for “Best Female Video,” was absolutely deplorable.

The look on her face after you scramble off stage is absolutely heartbreaking. You are an asshole, yes. But more importantly, you’re cruel. You are a cruel mother fucker.

But far worse than your awards show behavior, it seems, is your apology.


As you know, we’re real sticklers on apologies. We’re also huge proponents of avoiding Inernet acronyms (and aggressive ellipses, for that matter), as well as unlocking caps when trying to express something–like sorrow or sorry–with some level of sincerity.

A real apology is not rattled off in powder-blue font on your blog. A real apology is not made up of jumbled nonsense. More importantly, when you apologize to Taylor, don’t ramble [again] about how much greater Beyonce’s video was. In fact, leave Beyonce out of this! Stop fucking bringing her into your weird, convoluted world of drama, you dick!

Here’s our suggestion. Write a new apology (and we mean really write it, with a pen, on a card), and mail it (with a stamp) to Taylor.

It should read:

Dear Taylor,

Words cannot describe how ashamed I feel for interrupting you during your acceptance speech last night. I was out of line and I am deeply sorry. I am truly sorry.

I realize that I ruined one of the greatest moments of your life, and left you hurt and uncomfortable. I can never make that up to you, but I will certainly try.

Lastly, I know that I am not God. I have said that you are talented, but you don’t need my blessing to receive the “Best Female Video” award. You completely deserve it.

Please accept my humble apology. I hope we can be friends.

Sincerely,
Kanye West

And this time, when you say you’re sorry, you should mean it.

[kanYe West: Blog apology to Taylor Swift]
[MTV: Taylor Swift Wins Best Female Video [VIDEO]]

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