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When Worlds Collide: Tom Cruise And Tokyo

September 29th, 2010 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

Tom Cruise at the Tokyo Premiere of 'Knight and Day'

TOM CRUISE: Watch my movie!

DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: Hey Tom, what’s up bro? Can you sign something for my lady?

TOM CRUISE: You look good to me.

DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: You could sign whatever, man. Maybe her shirt? We didn’t bring anything.

TOM CRUISE: Hmm… I wonder what Suri’s wearing today? Hopefully that cute, cute, cute little Burberry dress I presented to her in a box tied with a ribbon before I left. I just love her so much. She’s totally my favorite of all my kids.

GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED: Is Tom Cruise here? I can’t see anything!

TOM CRUISE: That Cameron Diaz, what a tall drink of water. Where is she standing?

GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED: I can’t see her either!

TOM CRUISE: Did any of you happen to see The Last Samurai?

MAN ON RIGHT: I did. Not the most accur–

TOM CRUISE: I am so in love with my wife, Kate! If I wasn’t here at this premiere, I would be ordering a dozen cupcakes to send to her while she’s shopping at Barney’s.

CHILD BEING HELD BY MAN ON RIGHT: I hate it here, Daddy! Can we GO?

Continue reading When Worlds Collide: Tom Cruise And Tokyo

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Vacancy In The White House?

April 5th, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Diana

If Kal Penn leaves the White House Office Of Public Liaison to be in the next Harold and Kumar


POTUS and Penn

…it means there’s an open spot available in the Obama Administration for a person who can maybe get an hug from President Obama OMG OMG OMG!!! be the go-between for the White House and the Asian American community (whatever that means).

What a great opportunity for that, ahem, someone ME ME ME ME PLEASE ME ME ME ME PLEASE PICK ME ME ME ME ME ME ME I WANT A HUG!

[via HuffPo]

[Access Hollywood: Kal Penn Leaving White House For 'Kumar' Sequel]
Source
Thanks, Lara and Leamy!

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10 Reasons Not To Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba (And One Reason To Do It)

February 5th, 2010 | 11 comments | Posted by Diana

A 21 year-old girl in China is getting plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba.

Now Jess is really, really hot. Damn near perfect, if there is such a thing. Worse, she’s only better in person.


But why would anyone want to look like some actress instead of like themselves?

Why, for love.

You see, Xiaoqing (future patient) was dating some cheesedick for a year and a half that was so obsessed with Alba that it consumed him entirely (read: he is a freakish stalker gnome), and eventually she had to bail. Post facto, instead of thanking bejeezus that she got away from that sick, sad, reality-challenged nerdbomber, Xiaoqing began to regret the split and brainstormed ways to get him back. The result of all that thinking was the choice to alter her appearance and become, as Erasure may have put it, Alba-esque.

Continue reading 10 Reasons Not To Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba (And One Reason To Do It)

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Kung-Fu Pander

May 15th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie, Lucy Liu, and Jack Black
at the Cannes Film Festival Premiere of ‘Kung Fu Panda’


DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I’m bored.

ANGELINA JOLIE: I’m pregnant.

LUCY LIU: I’m one-note.

JACK BLACK: I’m WACKY!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I’m kind of having an existential crisis right now.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Y’know, having children really helps with that.

LUCY LIU: [clears throat] Ahem, excuse me, Angie.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Hmm? What’s up?

LUCY LIU: You and Fat Belly 2 are blocking my birthing hips–I mean my dress.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Excuse me?

LUCY LIU: Nothing. Nothing. Only YOU get to me mom-lady. Fine. FINE. I’ll just stand over here and be nobody. Y’know what, just drop it okay? We’ll talk about it later.

ANGELINA JOLIE: No, drop what? What are you talking about?

JACK BLACK: I’m FUNNY!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I’m old.

LUCY LIU: I wanna get out of here.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Umm, hi, irrelevant TV star? What are you trying to say?

LUCY LIU: Nothing. NOTHING! Urg. Fine… This is my problem with you. I thought we were both on the bitch train to fame.

ANGELINA JOLIE: What bitch train? What is that?

LUCY LIU: We were hot sexy bitches. That was going to make us huge. And then you became Mother Teresa, while I became a lesbian vampire. And now I do mostly television.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Is that somehow my fault?

LUCY LIU: I feel like it must be. You bailed! What ever happened to the sex siren? I thought being a sex siren was in!

JACK BLACK: I think sex is in. Way in. And out. And in. And out.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I’m rich.

ANGELINA JOLIE: I’m sure it is, but I’ve got, like, fourteen kids now. Being a humanitarian is kinda more where things are going these days.

LUCY LIU: I have a dog.

JACK BLACK: I love dogs.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I’m a dog.

ANGELINA JOLIE: See? You have a dog. That’s a start. Next you’ll be recycling. Then, you’ll be visiting villages in Rwanda.

LUCY LIU: Do I have to touch dirty people?

ANGELINA JOLIE: Yes.

LUCY LIU: [sighs]

ANGELINA JOLIE: It’s fun, though. And while you’re at it, you buy some pots, some scarves, some babies. And soon, you’ll be me!

LUCY LIU: You really think so?

JACK BLACK: I don’t think I”ll mind, as long as you have those tatas too.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I’m confused.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Me too.

LUCY LIU: Me too.

JACK BLACK: KUNG FU PANDA!!!

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The Meaning of Sophisticasian

March 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Sophia Loren visited Kyoto, Japan this week, and instead of busting with the Prayer Hands like other wacktors, she behaved like a real movie star.

Loren wore a fur, flashed her rocks, and said “Konichiwa, bitches!” in flawless Japanese.

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