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I got my mom a nice flower arrangement for Mother’s Day this year, but I didn’t get it together until the last minute, so I paid through the nose for it. I didn’t FTD that shit either–not that I’m judging if you did–because, to me, their arrangements all look like hospital flowers. (Also, I am stupid and like doing things the hard way.) So I found a florist in a fancy schmancy part of Houston who 1) actually picked up the phone late Saturday and 2) would deliver to where my parents live in the middle of nowhere. I also specified that peonies be in the arrangement, because roses are so boring. The delivery to BFN was almost half the cost of the arrangement, and they charged me extra for the peonies, because non-boring flowers don’t come cheap, apparently. Like I said, I like doing things the hard way.
But who cares? It was Mother’s Day. And I love my mama, and she loves flowers.
And sure enough, when she received them, she immediately sent me an email to let me know how much she liked them. The subject heading was “Flower of Love” (cue the Huey Lewis song if you’re old like me):
She got them on time! And they were beautiful! And I was thrilled that my mother could feel loved and celebrated without a worry in the world on her special day, which is how all mothers should feel on Mother’s Day.
But clearly, I underestimated my Hardass Asian Mom. Here’s what followed in her email:
Filed under: Asians Love Discounts, Gift Giving, Gift ideas, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mother's Day, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Holidays, Mother's Day, Mother's Day Gifts, Sending Flowers, Tiger Mother's Day, Tough Love
DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer Gwen Stefani received a surprise present from a Mystery Fan on Mother’s Day.
Mystery Fan: Oh my god. Gwen Stefani! It’s really you! I’m such a huge fan.
Mystery Fan: Sorry. Where are my manners? I’m Jen. My friend Diana and I have a blog, and we write about you all the time.
Gwen: That’s cool. I was about to take my son out for a walk, so–
Mystery Fan: Happy Mother’s Day! I just wanted to give you this, and then I’ll leave you alone.
Gwen: Thanks. (takes bouquet and sniffs) Eww…Arrgh..Gag…Ughhh…Barf…Achhh!!!
Mystery Fan: Don’t you like the poo-quet? It’s all the rage in Harajuku.
Gwen: (poo on face) What the fuck? I’m going to slap a restraining order on your ass!
Mystery Fan: Oh yeah? Well we’re slapping an Emancipasian order on your ass. Which is fat. And you’ve got poo on your face, beyotch!
Sound of sirens. The police roll up.
Cop: Ms. Stefani, is this the intruder?
Gwen: Yeesssss! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
The cops lead the Mystery Fan away in handcuffs.
Mystery Fan: Emancipasian Now! Free the Harajuku Girls!
Mystery Fan: What do we want? FREEDOM! When do want it? NOW!
Not sure what to get Moms on Mother’s Day? How about some CHING-BLING?
It and other such Hello Kitty baubles are brought to you by one of our fave DISGRASIANS…
Alrighty, now I’m off to flog myself.