DISGRASIAN™

Intern Jasmine’s Links Of The Daysian

Vaseline has created a face-whitening application for Facebook users in India to promote its Healthy White Skin Lightening Cream, because, um, yeah, that sounds really, really healthy. [Feministing]

Like AT&T in the 80’s, Ichiro Suzuki reaches out and touches someone. [MLB]

You break it, you DON’T buy it: Finally, a place for women having their lady time, in Shenyang, China. [People's Daily Online]

Tila Tequila is no longer part of Celebrity Rehab. Is it because she’s no longer a celebrity, or because she can’t be rehabilitated, or because no one gives a shit? Hmm. [RadarOnline]

Hayao Miyazaki likens iPad use to masturbation. Like that’s a problem?! [Gizmodo]

A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas already sounds like the greatest motherfuckin’ Christmas movie of all time. [MTV.com]

We can see why Prince said that the internet is over. Presenting…Kate Gosselin in a coolie hat. [Just Jared]

Source

Filed under: Celebrity Rehab, China, Coolie Hats Aren't Cool, Dr. Drew is not Tila's co-pilot, Feministing, Harold and Kumar, Hayao Miyazaki, Ichiro, Ichiro Suzuki, India, iPad, Kate Gosselin, Lady Time, MLB, Skin Lightening, skin whitening, They tried to make her go to rehab she said no no no, Tila Tequila, Vaseline, Vaseline is trying to whitewash y'all

Chan Ho Park Redefines “Diarrhea Of The Mouth”

So, I was wrong, apparently? (What an unfamiliar and awful sensation. May it never happen again.) Because Chan Ho Park recently disclosed why he sucked on Opening Day, and it had nothing to do with his missing beard.

Some people think it’s funny–and, in this case, it is very VERY funny–but it’s really rotten and runny and it will eff up your ERA, too.

Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Asian Baseball Players, Chan Ho Park, Chan Ho Park Diarrhea, Chan Ho Park Yankees, Chan Ho Park's Beard, Diarrhea, Diarrhea Of the Mouth, Funny Stuff, MLB, New York Yankees, Overshares, Oversharing, Relief Pitchers, TMI

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: RIP Chan Ho Park’s Beard

Opening Day of baseball began with a moment of silence for the death of…

Before and Whatever

…Chan Ho Park’s Beard.

Oh, Chan Ho Park’s Beard. We hardly knew you. Your life was cut short–no pun intended, this is a eulogy for fuck’s sake–and you did not make it long enough–ahem–to see your first year. But you accomplished great things in the precious little time you were with us. Is it a coincidence that around the time of your birth, The Face That Wore You had one of his best seasons in recent history? We think not. Is it a coincidence that only after you arrived, The Face That Wore You pitched in his first World Series? Nay.

Yet The Face That Wore You never understood your magic. He began to doubt you back in October, when his team lost to The Team That Forbids You. Surely it was then, as he witnessed their beard-murdering faces, one after the other, beating down his tribe with their wood clubs, that he began to plot your end. And later when The Face That Wore You switched allegiances to The Team That Forbids You, he all but signed your death sentence. Is it any wonder that in his first outing without you, victory eluded him? Does The Face That Wore You have any idea that, without you, he’s doomed to failure (in baseball and in hotness)?

Continue reading SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: RIP Chan Ho Park’s Beard

Filed under: Beards, Beards Are Hot, Chan Ho Park, Chan Ho Park Yankees, Chan Ho Park's Beard, MLB, New York Yankees, New York Yankees Win World Series, Opening Day

Is Pete Rose A Puffy Lover?

There are probably lots of fun things to say about Pete Rose’s Playboy-bound lady friend, who has–without so much as divulging her name–managed to garner press simply by being a boobtastic, young, Asian lady on Ol’ Rose’s arm.

Pete Rose and his boobalicious girlfriend

Hell, the Hit King has already done most of the work for us. Here’s what he said during a radio interview on Houston’s KGOW (via Sports Radio Interviews):

“You know, my girl’s a real educated girl – she graduated from Arizona State. She had a very prestigious job several years ago when she was a flight attendant for Korean Airlines, which is really a big deal in Korea, and she’s Korean. And let’s just hope that the Playboy people like her, and if they don’t, that’s okay too. We’ll just turn the page and thank them for the opportunity.”

[Insert thousands of jokes here]

But to be perfectly honest with you… really, really, really all I can think about are those crazy awesome torpedos busting out of her shirt in the above picture. They keep tossing my head back into the surf of an Internet ocean filled with nonsense. That sea includes PuffyLover.com, a site that celebrates–um– “puffies,” as in–er– “puffy nipples.”

Continue reading Is Pete Rose A Puffy Lover?

Filed under: Baseball, Bud Selig, Career Endeavors, Comedy Gold, Disgraced Baseball Players, Distraction, Embarrassing, Hot Koreans, Korean Airlines, MLB, Pete Rose, Playboy, Puffies, Puffy Lover, Puffy Nipples, Pursuits of Happiness, The Internet Is A Strange Place, Torpedo Tits, What the what?

BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Johnny Damon

Wishing Johnny Damon a happy birthday is total fucking overkill. We refuse to do it. Here’s why:

Johnny Damon and Joba the Hutt Chamberlain celebrate the New York Yankees’ 27th World Series title

Imagine you’re Johnny Damon. You wake up today, and it’s your 36th birthday. You’re hungover, no, scratch that, you’re still drunk from the night before, because you raged into the wee hours after winning the World Series. Not your first World Series, mind you, but your second…in five years. Would it be gauche to wear both rings at once, you wonder, sleepily, drunkenly, grinning at the irony of your World Series ring won with the Red Sox and your World Series ring won with the Yankees glinting side by side on your knuckles. (You’re pretty stoked that you know what “irony” is, too.  Well, sorta, but you wouldn’t want to have to put it in, like, actual words.)

Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Johnny Damon

Filed under: Birthdays, Blowjobs, Johnny Damon, Mixed People, MLB, New York Yankees, New York Yankees Win World Series, Thais, The World Series

Hideki Matsui Is The First Japanese-Born World Series MVP

Congratulasians to Hideki Matsui, who was named World Series MVP after the Yankees finished off the Phillies, 7-3, in six Wednesday. Matsui, whose nickname is “Godzilla” in Japan, had a monster night in the Series clincher–he homered, doubled, and singled while tying the record for most RBI (6) in a World Series game. The 35 year-old hit .615 in the Series overall.

Matsui is the first Japanese-born baseball player to receive the Most Valuable Player honor and described Wednesday night as “the best moment of my life right now.”  It also may have been his last moment as a Yankee, since he’s reached the end of a four year-contract with the team.

So what’s next for the Japanese outfielder/DH?

Continue reading Hideki Matsui Is The First Japanese-Born World Series MVP

Filed under: A-ROD SUCKS, Alex Rodriguez Centaur Painting, Bandwagons, Depressing News, Hideki Matsui, Hideki Matsui World Series MVP, Japanese Baseball Players, MLB, New York Yankees, Winners, Yankees Win 27th Title, Yankees Win World Series, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz

BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Ichiro Suzuki

Happy birthday to Ichiro, who turns 36 today!

2009 was a huge year for the mononymous outfielder: he set a major league-record of nine straight seasons with 200 or more hits, finished the season with a league-leading 225 hits, hit his first career walk-off home run (against the Yankees’ Mariano Rivera, no less), and even drew his first career ejection for arguing a called third strike.

But hey, we’re talking about a dude who’s single-handedly proven to Americans that Asians can bring it on the baseball diamond, small ball can be just as captivating as long ball, and pokey ears can be weirdly hot, so Ichiro defying expectations is nothing new.

Speaking of defying expectations, here he is from a few years back telling Bob Costas what his favorite American expression is:

TRANSLASIAN: “August in Kansas City, it’s hotter than two rats in a fucking wool sock.”

Source

Filed under: Asian Baseball Players, Ballers, Baseball Players, Ichiro, Ichiro Suzuki, Japanese Athletes, Japanese Ballers, MLB, Records, The Seattle Mariners

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Chan "Hot" Park

In the NLCS, I’m rooting for our hometown Dodgers–who lost Game 1, 8-6, to the Phillies Thursday and were shutout in the 7th by Chan Ho Park–but I’m also root-root-rooting for Chan Ho’s sexxxy beard.

Also a fan of Beards? Visit the official Facebook Beards Fan Page.

Source

Filed under: Asian Baseball Players, Beards, Chan Ho Park, Comebacks, MLB, Philadelphia Phillies, The Los Angeles Dodgers

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Rinku Singh Keeps His Eye on the Ball Instead of the Ladies, Gets Historic Win

Gulf Coast League Pirates pitcher Rinku Singh made history Monday by becoming the first India-born player to record a professional baseball win in the U.S. (The GCL Pirates are the rookie developmental team of the Pittsburgh Pirates.) You may recall that Rinku and his countryman Dinesh Patel made history before when they signed with the Pirates organization last November after placing first and second in an Indian reality-show contest called The Million Dollar Arm, thereby becoming the first India-born players to ink a professional sports contract of any kind in this country.

So how did Rinku get his first win? Did he manage to bring up the velocity of his fastball from the low 90’s? Did he paint the outside corners of the strike zone? Did he introduce something nasty and unhittable to his limited pitching repertoire?

My theory: he started keeping his eye on the ball instead of the ladies.

I kid, I kid! (Rinku, if you’re reading this like you did that other time, where you thought I was calling you a perv when I was really calling you a babe, know that this is what we call in America “giving you shit.”)

Then again, he only had to strike out one batter to get the win, so I’m not going to get my panties too far in a bunch over this “historic” moment. (Yes, Rinku, still “giving you shit.” See also “heckling.”)

[DISGRASIAN: Babewatch: Rinku Singh]
[Rinku's blog: The Good - The Bad & The Ugly]
[Deadspin: Rinku And Dinesh Are Not On The Babewatch!]

Source

Filed under: Dinesh Patel, firsts, Gulf Coast League, Heckling, Indian Baseball Players, Lost In Translation, Million Dollar Arm, Minor League Baseball, MLB, Pittsburgh Pirates, Rinku Singh

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: I Feel Sorry for Chien-Ming Wang and That Throws My Whole Identity into Crisis

Realizing that you feel sorry for a Yankee player is, I imagine, something like waking up one day with an STD gnawing away at your genitals. (Not that I speak from experience, because, um, eww.) How did this happen? Who did this to me? What’s it gonna take to get over this horrible affliction?

Of course I’ve always had a soft spot for Chien-Ming Wang, because we have the same name, and he’s schooling people on how to say it right. I even like to think that we might be distant cousins. But as long as he’s in pinstripes, fuck him. Then again, he’s having an EPIC FAIL year. Last week, it was revealed that he had the worst ERA (21.61 runs) through five starts since they started keeping track of ERA’s–back in 1913. Then he was told before this Wednesday’s game against the Nationals–along with the media and everybody else who reads the sports pages–that he was pitching for his job. “We thought it was in our best interests to be honest with him and tell him it’s time to be the real Chien-Ming Wang,” his manager Joe Girardi said, prior to the game.

Although the Yankees lost yesterday, the “real Chien-Ming Wang” showed up and had his best outing of the year, which means he keeps his job for now. (Clearly, Girardi understands the efficacy of Hardass Public Humiliasian.) As an added bonus, Wang and his wife, Chia-Ling Wu, welcomed their first child, Justin Jesse Wang, on Tuesday. So things are finally looking up for the dude.

Which is good, because feeling sorry for a Yankee is about as pleasurable as an itchy, burning crotch.

Source

Filed under: Asian Baseball Players, Chien-Ming Wang, Crotch, ERA's, Hardass Asian Coaches, Joe Girardi, Justin Jesse Wang, MLB, New York Yankees, NY Yankees, Pitchers, Public Humiliation, STDs, Taiwanese

BABEWATCH: Dave Roberts

New England Sports Network’s (NESN) Red Sox play-by-play guy Don Orsillo and Dave Roberts

Name: Dave Roberts

Hails from: Southern California

Ethnicity: Blasian (Roberts’ mother is Japanese)

Occupation: Retired baseball player and newly-hired NESN studio analyst

Why He’s a Babe: Admittedly, I’m biased. Because without Dave Roberts and The Steal, there is no Bloody Sock Comeback after being down 3-0 to the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS, there is no World Series win for the first time in 86 years, there is probably–if you subscribe to the Ray Bradbury school of thought where the future hinges on the smallest of incidents–no second World Series win in 2007. There is most likely only more misery, pessimism, and teeth-gnashing for Red Sox Nation, forever and ever amen. But what’s so appealing about the former outfielder, really, is that he was undersized as a player, not a power hitter, not a star, with a a so-so throwing arm–totally forgettable, in many ways–but he always managed to find a way on base and to make an impact in a game, earning a spot in the top 10 in steals for five straight seasons when he played for the Dodgers, the Padres, and the Giants in the National League (it would have been six straight had he not come in a paltry…11th in 2007). And playing above your god-given talent level? That’s the definition of being a baller. And being a baller is, as they’d say in New England, wicked hot. Plus, look at those adorable crinkly eyes!

Roberts is once again proving just how scrappy and memorable he is by filling in in the booth for beloved Sox color commentator Jerry “Rem Dawg” Remy while Remy recovers from lung cancer surgery. Of Roberts’s game-calling debut, play-by-play announcer Don Orsillo said what’s been said of Roberts innumerable times throughout his unlikely career: “I couldn’t have been more impressed.”

The Steal

Source
Source

Filed under: Baseball Players, Blasians, Boston Red Sox, Dave Roberts, Don Orsillo, Jerry Remy, Mixed People, MLB, NESN, Red Sox Nation, The Bloody Sock Comeback, The Steal

AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Seibu Dome

Name: Seibu Dome

Location: Saitama, Japan

Occupation: Home to the Seibu Lions, a professional baseball team in Japan

Known for: Its exquisite toilets. Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched eight years for the Seibu Lions, and when he signed with the Red Sox in 2007, Boston had to fork over $51 mil to the Saitama-based team (another $52 mil went to Dice-K, putting the total cost of acquiring the Japanese pitcher at $103 million). Because Seibu Dome, the Lions’ ballpark, was considered “the worst stadium in Japan,” the organization decided to spend the money earned from that deal on major upgrades to the stadium, which included, most remarkably, installing top-of-the-line TOTO toilets in its restrooms. Each stall in its women’s rooms boasts a $1,500 TOTO Washlet (whose marketing slogan is “Clean is Happy”), which is a toilet and bidet-in-one with a built-in seat warmer. Now, you might think it strange that we named a ballpark AOTW, but if you’ve ever sat on one of these babies (pictured below), and if you’ve spent any time at all in other ballpark bathrooms, you bet your warm, clean ass you’d know why.

[NY Times: Seibu Lions’ Porcelain and Plastic Memorial to Matsuzaka: Plush Bathrooms]

Source

Filed under: Ballparks, Baseball, Boston Red Sox, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Dice-K, Happy Asses, Japanese Baseball, Japanese Toilets, MLB, Seibu Dome, Seibu Lions, Shitters, Stadiums, Toto Toilets, Warm Asses