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Our pal Angry Asian Man haaaaates it when we make fun of Ann Curry, because he’s got a mad crush on the Today show anchor, who turns 53 today.
But the truth is, we do, too.
There’s something ineffably charming about her, whether it’s her repeatedly wishing you a good morning or her oogly-love for Brad Pitt that makes her go all fangirl during an interview. We’ve called her a robot time and again, yet we can’t actually remember how that got started in the first place–must have something to do with how perfect she always seems (and certainly how perfect her lipstick always is).
She’s just trying soooooo hard alllllll the time, y’know?
She should get points for that. And since it’s her birthday, we’re only going to say nice things about Ann. Here goes:
Ann, baby. You turn 53 today, and you look fuckin’ amazing. Please email us the name and number of your derm when you get a chance. You seem like a nice person, way nicer than us, all oozy with compassion, even when you’re talking to hideous fame trolls like Octomom, i.e. people we’d rather punch in the face. Your voice, that silky, smooth alto, could soothe the bloodlust of famished baby hyenas. We kid and we tease you only out of love. Now please don’t stop doing ridiculous things like really awkward hip-hop dancing or attempting to scale one of the world’s tallest, cruelest mountains or inappropriately touching movie stars’ faces, or we won’t have anything fun to write about anymore. Oh, and happy birthday!
Name: Sonja Sohn
Hails from: Virginia
Occupation: Actress and activist
Why She’s a Babe: As Detective Kima Greggs on the best television show of all time, The Wire, Sonja proved that she could drink, smoke, fuck, and fuck up her relationships right alongside the big boys. And now the Blasian former slam poet–who goes by her Korean American mother’s maiden name because her father didn’t approve of her career choice–is turning her experiences from the show and from filming in the bleakest neighborhoods of Baltimore into a nonprofit called “reWIRED For Change,” a life-skills, violence prevention, and self-esteem-building program targeting at-risk youth, ages 14-24. This along with The Wire being taught as a course at Harvard next year makes it almost seem like the show never died, went to TV heaven, and left me canceling HBO, watching all five seasons on DVD over and over like a fiend, and in a state of permanent mourning.
Wishing Johnny Damon a happy birthday is total fucking overkill. We refuse to do it. Here’s why:
Johnny Damon and Joba the Hutt Chamberlain celebrate the New York Yankees’ 27th World Series title
Imagine you’re Johnny Damon. You wake up today, and it’s your 36th birthday. You’re hungover, no, scratch that, you’re still drunk from the night before, because you raged into the wee hours after winning the World Series. Not your first World Series, mind you, but your second…in five years. Would it be gauche to wear both rings at once, you wonder, sleepily, drunkenly, grinning at the irony of your World Series ring won with the Red Sox and your World Series ring won with the Yankees glinting side by side on your knuckles. (You’re pretty stoked that you know what “irony” is, too. Well, sorta, but you wouldn’t want to have to put it in, like, actual words.)
Now, you may be asking yourself, how is it that we have a favorite sock company? But Hansel from Basel socks aren’t just, like, socks. To us, they’re more like lingerie (you’ll find they have that effect on your significant other, too). Some sport sweet details–pom-poms, ribbons, knee patches–while others, like their over-the-knee and thigh-high socks, are just sexy.
We want you to experience the magic of Hansel from Basel firsthand, so we’re doing a GIVEAWAY. Here’s the deal:
The first 5 people to bring us 10 new Twitter followers (no spambots, please) get a FREE pair of Hansel from Basel socks. DM us with the names of 10 legit Twitter accounts who have started following DISGRASIAN and once they check out, you’ll never go barefoot again!
Occupation: Local news anchor
Why She’s a Babe: In 2003, Cho, who’s Koreish (half-Korean, half-Jewish), was named by People as one of its 50 Most Beautiful People. She’s inspired a website called Liz Cho Is Awesome, which deemed her “the next Katie Couric, Jane Pauly, and Joan Lundon all rolled into one.” And Asylum recently counted the WABC news anchor among its “Top 19 Hottest Newscasters in America.” Us? We love her strong features, particularly that long face and those sculpted cheekbones, which kinda remind us of Cher circa Mermaids (i.e. masculine but pretty, before all of the wack plastic surgery). We also like that this Korean surgeon’s daughter keeps it classy in her off-hours, and despite being universally hailed as a babe, she’s never snapped flaunting her assets all over the place like so many other of her peers.
Along with the usual suspects, like Superman, Wonder Woman, and Slave Leia (which Olivia dressed up as a few Comic-Cons ago), there are some surprise picks from the Attack of the Show! host, like the Prince of Persia (i.e. the character that turned Jake Gyllenhaal into an oily muscle queen), Poison Ivy (“She was a bitch with serious issues. I admire that”), and…Kathy Bates in Misery???
“Okay, I know this is questionable. But, come on! This is a woman who saw an opportunity and didn’t let go. Okay, maybe that opportunity was to enslave her favorite writer and force him to write books. But she knew what she wanted and she wasn’t afraid to go after it. And isn’t that sexy?“
We seriously could not love this chick–Olivia, we mean, and not the sledgehammer-wielding Annie Wilkes–more.
Catch the Attack of the Show! crew on Friday at Comic-Con.
Filed under: 2009 Comic-Con, Annie Wilkes, Attack of the Show, By the Way Thanks for 8 Years of Misery, Geek Icons, Geeks, Mixed People, Nerds, Olivia Munn Playboy, Olivia Munn Slave Leia, Stephen King
The only time I cried Tuesday during the Michael Jackson memorial was in the middle of it, when I went back to sleep after an awful night of tossing and turning and dreamed that I was crying, uncontrollably, that hiccupy, face-contorting, ugly kind of crying. It was unclear in the dream why I was crying, but I remember being surprised by my tears. And then I woke up and watched the rest of the memorial service, which I had recorded, dry-eyed.
There was something so chilling about mourning a man in the most public of ceremonies whose great tragedy was that he had never had a private life. Even in death, there wasn’t any way for Michael Jackson to walk–or be driven in a casket–down the street unnoticed.
And the memorial service itself, while undoubtedly providing fans some kind of catharsis–and entertainment, searing into our brains one last time this notion that Michael was the consummate entertainer–felt strangely like an awards show and not a funeral, an awards show with a peculiar dress code: black clothing, sad faces, choked-back tears. (Except for Mariah, who, god bless her, adorned her mourning garb with a Farrah Fawcett-worthy hair flip, cleavage down to there, and sequins.) Everyone who eulogized Michael was so famous, chyrons identifying them to the general public were dispensed with by and large.
Perhaps that’s why I found Judith Hill‘s performance of “Heal the World” towards the end of the service so moving. Hill, who’s half-black and half-Japanese and whose parents met in a funk band in the 70′s, was scheduled to be one of Michael’s backup singers during his shows in London, and was, until yesterday, a complete unknown. Hours before Rolling Stone identified her, our friend Raymond, cofounder of URB magazine, Tweeted her identity and website (I don’t know how he figured it out, he’s just brillz that way).
Every time she sang the line “heal the world,” I thought she might actually do it. There was joy tempering the pain, and unlike so many of the other performances of the day, hers didn’t feel produced–in the sense of “lights, camera, action”–for an audience. Hill’s rendition of the song Michael once said was the one he was most proud to have created wasn’t transmitted through this thick static of celebrity, performance, apology, legacy-asserting, and possibly fake-tears. Which is why it almost brought me to real ones. And I think I might have cried if I knew what exactly I was crying for, unlike in my dream, where I cried and cried for no reason.
Would I be crying for him? Me? Those lost moments of childhood, jumping on my bed, singing every line that I could make out in Thriller, believing there was no greater happiness?
Happy birthday to Olivia Munn, who turns 27 today!
Did we mention she’s Playboy‘s cover girl this month? There are 14 pics of Olivia in her birthday suit (almost) that weren’t published in the magazine that you can see on Playboy‘s website. Right now. For free.
So it’s kinda like her birthday and your birthday, too.
Why She’s a Babe: While Anna Maria is best known for her work in tween vehicles such as Hannah Montana (in which her character tortured Miley Cyrus–a plus in our book) and Camp Rock, what we love about the 18 year-old–who is of Filipino, Irish, and Spanish descent–is her knowing look. She looks like she knows something that you don’t and she may never tell you what that is. And that’s a refreshing departure from all of those tween stars past and present who withhold nothing and are constantly trying to bare all (ahem, Lindsay).
Of course we’ll eat our words if nude Anna Maria pics hacked from her cell phone ever emerge, but until that sad, desperate moment, we’ll look forward to seeing her big-screen debut in the remake of one of our fave movies of all time, Fame, so that we, along with everyone else, can remember, remember, remember her (rather long and involved) name.
Hails from: The East Bay, CA
Occupation: San Francisco District Attorney and California Attorney General candidate
Why She’s a Babe: SF District Attorney Kamala Harris is hot because she’s tough. She’s tough on gun felonies, child assaults, hate crimes, and violent crime in general. The only thing she isn’t tough on is, obvs, the eyes. She’s also the Queen of Firsts: the first woman elected District Attorney of San Francisco, the first African-American voted to that office in California, the first Indian-American to hold that position in the United States. And her next move? Becoming the first female Attorney General of the state of California in 2010.
To learn more about Kamala Harris’s 2010 campaign for CA Attorney General, go to her official website.
Become a fan of Kamala’s on Facebook here.
Filed under: Badasses, Blasians, California Attorney General Race 2010, East Bay, firsts, Kamala D. Harris, Kamala Devi Harris, Kamala Harris, Mixed People, San Francisco District Attorney, We Love Being First
OMGOMGOMGOMG. Daniel Henney is coming over to MY house!!! No, seriously, ferreal. OMG. What should I do? More importantly, what should I wear? Something kinda casual, maybe, but paired with some strappy, devastating fuck-me shoes? Don’t want to appear desperate. BUT I AM DESPERATE DANIEL HENNEY LET ME LICK YOUR FACE. Okay, breathe. Do you think Daniel Henney likes risotto? I’ve been making a mean risotto lately. But, wait, what am I saying? He’s an actor. Actors don’t do carbs. Hmm. Maybe we skip dinner altogether then and go straight to making out? Yes, please! Hopefully he’s not one of those pretty boy actors who wants to be taken seriously and appreciated for his mind. No, really, that won’t do. I’M NOT HERE TO TALK PROUST DANIEL HENNEY I’M HERE TO WATCH YOU TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS GOT IT? (Oh please, Lord, let him be shallow and sex-starved, please, I don’t even care if he’s an awful lover like most ridiculously hot guys, I just want to see him naked.) Now, uh, where was I? Oh, right…DANIEL HENNEY IS COMING TO MY HOUSE. I better go and get ready. Trim my bangs, buy a magnum of decent red Burgundy and some Votivo red currant candles, dig up my nice underwear, maybe get a bikini wax, and definitely pop a Xanax. Yes, I think I can handle this. I can handle DANIEL FUCKING HENNEY coming over to my house, and I can play it cool. Or cool-ish. In the vicinity of cool, maybe, like the center of a medium-rare steak. We’ll see, no guarantees. Wish me luck!