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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Scotty Lago, Michael Phelps And The Olympic-Sized Case Of Mistasian Identity
Earlier in the week, we told you about how snowboarder Scotty Lago went on Kimmel and, with the help of a friend who’d spoken to fellow Olympian Michael Phelps, identified the woman who blew his bronze and got him bounced from the Games as a reporter who had also tried to “make out” with Phelps.
Good thing our friends are smarter than Scotty and Michael’s friends, because ours quickly pointed us to this post by Canadiasian gossip blogger Elaine “Lainey” Lui, the reporter in question, who runs the site Lainey Gossip. Lainey not only refutes that she’s the same woman who gave Lago the bronzejob, but she also tells her side of the story behind the “alleged” Phelps make-out attempt.
Lainey Lui on the left, The Bronze Blower on the right
She writes in “For Michael Phelps: Distinguishing Asians 101″:
Filed under: Blowjobs, Broheems, Bronzejobs, Butterfaces, Douche-nozzles, Douchebags, Lainey Gossip, Lainey Lui, Michael Phelps, Mistasian Identity, Olympians, Scott Lago, Scotty Lago, Scotty Lago Bronze Medal Blowjob, Scotty Lago On Jimmy Kimmel, Scotty Lago Racy Photos, White Boys
DISGWITTER OF THE WEAK! Moby The Dirty Gaijin
Oh Moby, you-touchy-feely-techno-vegan-China Hand, you.
Gaijin = Foreigner. In Japanese.
Dirty laowai would have been “ironic.”
Not to mention less “idiot”-ic.
(I suppose.)
Filed under: Celebrity Twitterers, Cultural Awareness, Dance Music, Foreigners, Gaijin, Irony, Isn't It Ironic?, Laowai, Mistasian Identity, moby, Sensitive Boys, Techno, The 90's, Twitter
Threesomes And Pageants Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong
By now, you’ve likely heard about the just-leaked threesome sex tape (WARNING: previous link extremely, extremely NSFW) featuring Miss Trinidad & Tobago (Anya Ayoung-Chee), her boyfriend Wyatt Gallery, and a close friend that is NOT, as previously alleged, Miss Japan.
Missing from this screen grab: Ponytail guy
The video was snatched when Gallery dropped off his laptop for repair at a Trinidad computer shop, and quickly made waves this week throughout the Internet pervosphere.
I won’t lie. I watched the video twice–even though I knew it was wrong, fueled by my disappointment in Carmen Electra’s newly-”leaked” sex tape, which was a bra-filled snoozefest. And I must say, that Miss Trinidad knows how to party!
Seriously, though… what did Wyatt Gallery ever do to deserve such an incredible stroke of luck (the threesome, not the leak)??? Perhaps he frequently helps little old ladies across the street. With his penis.
[TMZ: Miss Universe Contestants In Three-Way Sex Tape]
Filed under: Anya Ayoung-Chee, Beauty Pageants, Guilty Pleasures, Laptops, Leaked Tapes, Luck Be Two Ladies Tonight, Lucky Bastards, Miss Japan, Miss T&T, Miss Trinidad & Tobago, Miss Universe, Miss Universe Contestants Nude, Miss Universe Japan, Mistasian Identity, NSFW, Scandals, Sex, Sex Scandals, Sex Tapes, So So Wrong, Three-ways, Threesomes, Trinidad, Whoopsieeee
The CFDA Fashion Awards and the Case of Mistasian Identity
The CFDA Fashion Awards took place last night in New York, and there were Asians all up in the joint. (Have you ever wondered what it is about our people and fashion design?) Doo-Ri Chung, Peter Som, and Phillip Lim were in attendance. Alexander Wang took home the Swarovski Award for Womenswear–given each year to an up-and-coming designer–after beating out Thakoon Panichgul and Jason Wu.
Michelle Obama was given a special tribute award for supporting American designers, which was an indirect nod to Thakoon and Jason Wu, whose profiles were elevated significantly after the First Lady wore their designs at two major events during the election (the last night of the DNC and the Inaugural Ball, respectively). Jason Wu was also at Monday night’s CFDA’s. Here he is with awards presenter Diane Kruger, in his design:
And again with Jack White:
Hey! That’s not Jason Wu! (That’s another little Asian person, Anna Sui, who received a lifetime achievement award.)
But the similarities are striking, we have to admit.
Filed under: Alexander Wang, Asian Fashion Designers, CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund Award, Doo-Ri Chung, Fashism, Jason Wu, Michelle Obama Fashion, Mistasian Identity, Peter Som, Phillip Lim, Thakoon Panichgul
Chu’s Zooming Chu? Judy Chu v. Betty Chu
Democratic candidate and AOTW Judy Chu was the top vote-getter Tuesday in the race for the 32nd Congressional District seat vacated by Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis, winning 32.5% of the vote. But because she didn’t receive a 50% majority, she’ll face off with Republican Betty Chu, who got 10% of the vote, and some Libertarian dude who’ll be a non-factor, in a July runoff.
Judy Chu v. Betty ChuThe drrrama factor of Chu v. Chu is amped by the fact that Judy and Betty are related by marriage (Betty is married to Judy’s first cousin). And they hate each other! Especially after this election, during which Judy’s campaign accused Betty of trying to coattail on Judy’s name–Judy is the more well-known of the two–and of changing her Chinese name characters, which were printed on the ballot, to more closely resemble Judy’s (Mistasian Identity, Betty…that’s some dirty pool!). To which Betty–who, at 72, is 17 years Judy’s senior–replied, “Believe me, my name has been around a lot longer than hers. I was born with that name.”
BITCHFIGHT!!!
Well, not really, given that the 32nd Congressional District is mostly Latino, strongly Democratic, and expected to go to Judy, but can you blame us for dreaming?
[LA Times: Two Chus among candidates for San Gabriel Valley seat]
Filed under: 32nd Congressional District, Asian-American Politicians, Betty Chu, Bitchfights, Chinese-Americans, Dirty Politics, Drama, Judy Chu, Mistasian Identity, San Gabriel Valley
@MileyCyrus Should Stop Tweeting
“FEEEED ME!“
Miley Cyrus took her fat face and creepy model boyfriend to Koi last night for some mediocre pseudo-sushi, apparently keeping her Blackberry close all night to Twitter constantly for her fans.
From Gossip Girls:
During the meal, Miss Cyrus let all of her Twitter fans know exactly how she was feeling, tweeting, “Eating sushi! Omgosh California Rolls are from heaven!!! Praise GOD!”
Now, that’s a tweet that we–had we been following the tween on Twitter–would have had to respectfully disagreet with via replytweet @mileycyrus (sorry, this is confusing for me twoo, I mean twoot, I mean–). Here’s the deal: California rolls are baaaarely sushi, and–as I learned from Jen after she did months of research with a multitude of our fine city’s famed sushi chefs– borne from Los Angeles and not “heaven.”
Miss Miley followed up her food epiphony with another insider nugget of info:
“My waiter at Koi looks like dude from HGTV! Is it weird if I ask for an autograph?”
UH.
Maybe we would just…say something…
@mileycyrus you aren’t talking about vern yip, are you?
@mileycyrus http://tinyurl.com/bleepox123
@mileycyrus surely yer not just saying that cuz he’s azn!!!
@mileycyrus maybe he’z not asian, maybe just has a goofy face
@mileycyrus oh u must mean the other dude on hgtv, eric stromer? hot! http://tinyurl.com/blargh345
@mileycyrus totally ask him for his autograph!
@mileycyrus u can make your face look thinner if u tilt it slightly
Filed under: Autographs, California Rolls, Disgrestaurants, Eric Stromer, Faces, Fat Heads, God, HGTV, Koi, Miley Cyrus, Mistasian Identity, Models, Sushi, Twitter, Vern Yip, We All Look Alike
White Bentley Car Chasian
While most of you who don’t live in Los Angeles were sleeping Monday night, we Angelenos were glued to the set, watching a three-hour, low-speed car chase involving a new white Bentley unfold. The chase began around 8 pm, not long after the driver allegedly assaulted his girlfriend with a deadly weapon in North Hollywood, and wound its way all over the city (on the 101, 5, 10, and 405 Freeways) before ending near its start point, by Universal Studios.
It’s difficult to explain to non-La La residents why car chases–high-speed, low-speed, ones involving stolen U-Hauls–are so compelling. Part of it is that we live in our cars. Part of it is that we live in a sunny “It’s All Good” bubble that is only punctured–and called into question–by calamity, whether it’s by fire, mudslide, earthquake, or car chase. It’s a Didion-esque way of looking at the world; the dream is held together by the underpinnings of disaster.
The White Bentley Car Chase was particularly narrative-friendly, because of the make of the car. Internet rumors quickly spread that the driver was Chris Brown. When the driver finally stopped in Universal City and cameras actually captured his face, the story changed. It wasn’t girlfriend-beater Chris Brown after all, but Miami-based DJ Khaled. So not only was the driver rich, but he was famous, too. How very L.A.
Once the driver stopped, he sat in his car for an hour-and-a-half, surrounded by cops, before shooting himself in the head. He later died at a local hospital.
As it turns out, the driver of the White Bentley was a “businessman of Pakistani origins.” He was probably rich, but he was not famous, until, of course, the few hours before his death. He was not famous until he put a gun to his head in the shadow of the movie studio whose first European production was Fahrenheit 451, a movie about a dystopian future wherein television is killing free thought. He was not famous until his last moments were uploaded a dozen times on YouTube. He was not famous until he shot himself in a $100,000 car, right next to one of the largest Toyota dealerships in L.A., one that promises on its website “to provide you with the car of your dreams.”
How very L.A. indeed.
Filed under: Chris Brown, DJ Khaled, Fahrenheit 451, Holy Calamity, Joan Didion, L.A. Car Chases, Los Angeles, Low-Speed Car Chase, Mistasian Identity, White Bentley Car Chase, White Bronco
A Case of Mistasian Pomerasian Identity
When I first read about the Chinese man who mistook his pet Arctic fox–a rare, protected species–for a Pomeranian, I was like, Whaaaa?! But then I saw a picture of Mr. Zhang, the confused pet owner, and I had SO MANY MORE QUESTIONS.
Is the color super-saturated in this photo, or did that fox, who would frequently bite his owner, make steak tartare out of Zhang’s face? Or are those horrible burns? Wicked bad rosacea? Why is Zhang wearing lipstick? Is this what happens to people after something terrible happens to them, like getting their face chewed off by a dog-fox or surviving a fire, that they become incapable of distinguishing between animal species and knowing what’s what in the universe?
So many questions.
[via BuzzFeed]
Filed under: Arctic Fox, Confusion, Fox Pomeranian, Mistasian Identity, Weird Chinese Behavior, What Gives?, Zhang Pomeranian Owner Arctic Fox
Swimming With Sharks
The only person we think should challenge BenRoethlisberger to a chess game, and his “stalker”
All of this–the mistasian identity, the objectificasian, the public dismissal–is degrading enough for the poor miss. But the gossip douchtards at I Don’t Like You In That Way took it a step further:
“Michael Phelps is dating an Asian chick, and here he is with some fug Asian chick at LAX earlier this week. Phelps claims this isn’t his girlfriend, and she’s just some stalker, so who knows if it is or not, but I’m mostly concerned with the fact that this thing with the giant implants could even pass for his girlfriend. Phelps has 8 gold medals – he isn’t Wesley Snipes. He should be dating Swedish models or Russian teenagers, not some chick who gives massages and happy endings at a strip mall.”
Listen, I know y’all are about ready to watch me erupt with fury or bust some heads ‘n shit, but I’m not gonna. In my life, I’ve learned a some very important lessons. Here are a select few:
- Never have sex near poison oak (Don’t worry, guys; this one I learned secondhand).
- When a dog is acting out, it most likely needs more exercise.
- When talking shit out with a friend, always say stuff like: “I think” or “I feel” instead of “You are an asswipe jizzface.” (For example, try “Sometimes, because of the fucked up things I feel you do, I think of you as an asswipe jizzface.”)
- Be nice to your parents as soon as they can’t ground you. They deserve it.
- Never get too angry and defensive about what any blogger says, particularly any celebrity blogger. There’s a very low bar and it’s an awfully fast forum–just start your own blog and call them a douche. It’s how we roll!
- Any dude that talks about Asian ladies as somehow sub-par to brainless Baltic models, and only good for happy endings, is likely to have a grey, crooked, tiny, wrinkly dick. And they have definitely never tapped any primo, first-class, top-notch, grade-A Asian pussy. Trust me.
Filed under: Adding Insult to Injury, Bloggers, Caroline Caz Pal, Circus Tits, Degradasian, Grapevines, Michael Phelps, Mistasian Identity, Pussy, Tiny Penises
Foiled Again
Every time–I’m talking, EVERY SINGLE TIME–I get a quick glance of a photo and see this one tiny Korean girl rocking rainbow rave style (minus the large tribal earrings), looking eerily like a low-rent rendition of my high school obsession (a diminutive raver pixie named Tiffany), I wrinkle my nose and scoff. I think: She’s ruining it. She’s fucking ruining it! She’s not rocking the colors right! Her shoes are whack! Her knees are all wrong! She looks like a nerdcore Skittles fanatic. She’s not even cool! What is WRONG with this sista??
And then I realize: that ain’t no sista.
That is…
ONCH with poor Joel McHale
Filed under: Awkward Moments, Bizarre Photograph Poses, Mistasian Identity, ONCH, Pretty Guys, Ravers, The Soup
Werr, We Do Aw Rook Arike
AllKPop.com discovered a rather obscene case of mistasian identity in last week’s People Magazine, in which a piece about our favorite pop star Rain featured a picture that was actually our boyfriend Rick Yune’s hot brother, Karl (Does that make him a Hot Karl? Yes).
Yum–we mean Yune–squared
Needless to say, the folks at AllKPop were annoyed (hence, the “All Asian look same?” comment). And so are we–DUDES, COME ON! HOW HARD IS THIS? WE ALL KNOW THAT KARL YUNE DOES NOT GLEAN HAIR INSPIRASIAN FROM MEG RYAN!!!
…but we’re pretty sure Rain does. Get it straight, PEOPLE!
Filed under: Bad Hair All Around, Hot Asian Men, Karl Yune, Meg Ryan, Mistasian Identity, Photo Op Victims, Rain, Rick Yune, Speed Racer, Tabloids, US Weekly - Oops We Mean People Magazine, Useless Press
The Good, The Bad, and The Incompetent
Dear Jezebel,
Do I look like Diane Nguyen, the hot poker player?
I don’t think so. I’d like to, because she’s very slim and pretty, but I just don’t see the resemblance. Jezebel sure seems to, though!
Sure, photo source FilmMagic may have started the trouble by spelling my name incorrectly when logging my “celebrity appearance” (huh?) for Declare Yourself at Russell Simmons’s “Turn Up the Vote” event last week. And yes, I wish I hadn’t eaten so many slices of Sally’s pizza during DISGRASIAN’s visit to Yale just days before, which apparently rendered me a full-on bloatation device and unrecognizable to the public.
But FilmMagic isn’t responsible for research. They take pictures. Jezebel, however low your standards may be, is supposed to be accountable for its words. And right now, you’ve gotta be responsible for this case of mistasian identity: I am not a poker player. I don’t even know what a royal flush is without a little armagnac in me. Please, please get that fact straight the next time you’re sifting through the B-list returns from a red carpet photo-op!
We’ve begged HRC to always do her homework. Now, we ask you to do the same. Come on Jez, reprzent a little for the ladies, and prove that you aren’t as inept as we’re starting to think you are.
Warmly,
Diana
Source Source Source Source Source
Filed under: Always Do Your Homework, Bloat Face, Inept Folks, Jezebel, Mistasian Identity, Moon Faces, Terrible Pictures of Self, This is Bullshit, We All Look Alike, WTF?
