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What A Sh*tshow: The CNN/Tea Party Debate

September 13th, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

I am a masochist.

For one, I work in television, and a little too much lately at that (hence the recent lack of blogging), which is an industry clearly suffering from a dearth of powerful Asians. In the Golden People’s absence, idiots reign supreme, and proliferate (Remember the idiot assistant of that other ignoramus that couldn’t coordinate your last conference call? He’s now your executive) like zombies.

God help us all

I also watched last night’s CNN/Tea Party Debacle Debate, when I clearly should have been watching Miss Philippines get robbed of the Miss Universe crown instead. What can I say? I love watching that she-devil Michele Bachmann’s hair shimmer in the light.

After all, Bachmann certainly made her mark, making sure to answer as few direct questions as possible and assuring that audiences got a real sense of how Rick Perry has violated hordes of little Texan girls with a “dangerous” HPV vaccine. You’ve gotta hand it to Rick “Lovya Dubya” Perry–he may not know his foot from his head, but he sure knows how to get people scratching their heads… which could, amazingly, get him elected.

Fact is, the show was more a display of theatrics than politics, from the gaudy CNN set to Wolf Blitzer’s ridiculous face, to the candidates’ introductions, to the Perry dogpile, to the overuse of “Obamacare” (like one of Pee-Wee’s secret words), to the sports championship tone of the whole bonanza. I found myself watching the mess as a witness, as if all the loons on the stage were talking about some theoretical country instead of the one I live in, dismissing the needs of this country and cheering for the deaths of uninsured sick people as if such people didn’t exist.

Continue reading What A Sh*tshow: The CNN/Tea Party Debate

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Threesomes And Pageants Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

November 20th, 2009 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

By now, you’ve likely heard about the just-leaked threesome sex tape (WARNING: previous link extremely, extremely NSFW) featuring Miss Trinidad & Tobago (Anya Ayoung-Chee), her boyfriend Wyatt Gallery, and a close friend that is NOT, as previously alleged, Miss Japan.

Double the fun!

Missing from this screen grab: Ponytail guy

The video was snatched when Gallery dropped off his laptop for repair at a Trinidad computer shop, and quickly made waves this week throughout the Internet pervosphere.

I won’t lie. I watched the video twice–even though I knew it was wrong, fueled by my disappointment in Carmen Electra’s newly-”leaked” sex tape, which was a bra-filled snoozefest. And I must say, that Miss Trinidad knows how to party!

Seriously, though… what did Wyatt Gallery ever do to deserve such an incredible stroke of luck (the threesome, not the leak)??? Perhaps he frequently helps little old ladies across the street. With his penis.

[TMZ: Miss Universe Contestants In Three-Way Sex Tape]

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Miss USA’s National Costume–Also a Disgrace?

August 19th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Miss Japan: Before & After

The Miss Universe pageant will air August 23 on NBC, but competition is already underway. You may recall the recent mishegas surrounding Miss Japan’s national costume, which has been toned down after it was widely-criticized as a “disgrace”–no pink crotch-mound will be exposed during the show after all–but get a load of Miss USA’s outfit:


This is a beauty pageant, right? Where did that chick’s face go? And this is how we’re representing America in the Obama-era? With car-racing and camel-toe?

[via BuzzFeed]

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Miss Universe Japan… Maybe

July 31st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


That’s Emiri Miyasaka (Miss Universe Japan) above, in a brand-spankin’-new national costume, which she will apparently be wearing to the big galactic competition on August 23 of this year.

Perhaps on first glance (if you didn’t, like, immediately splooge all over yourself) you reacted as I did: “Ugh. God. Awful.”

Or like the handful of angry readers that posted comments documented by Itai News (highlighted by Japan Probe, from whom we’re borrowing translation)–which accused her of mocking her home culture, then labeled her as “a national disgrace,” “perverted,” and a “stupid person” wearing a “stupidly designed costume.”

Leave it to my trusty partner-in-crime, Jen, to approach the outfit slightly more thoughtfully: “Yeah, it’s really pervy, but we are talking a beauty pageant“–an event where coating one’s teeth with Vaseline, shoving one’s tits up their chin with tape, and spouting ignorant drivel from the stage are all kosher, if not recommended. Jen also ventured that the outfit might even be evidence of progress: maybe the Miss Universe Japan people are boldly stepping ahead of the curve, finally recognizing that the world kinda views the Japanese as pretty… pervy, and they’re beating everyone to the punch. How forward-thinking of them!

After all, what’s the real disgrace here? That she’s wearing lingerie?

Hell, we’ve seen Rachael Ray in skivvies before, for crying out loud. Total NBD. Conservative Middle America still loves the woman. I could take her or leave her, but that’s hardly the point.

That turkey might think Ray is a disgrace, but he’s probably the only one.

And if we’re talking about being scantily clad, let’s not forget that Miyasaka will be obliged to trot around in an itty-bitty two piece for the competition, as will all of her competitors. I mean, check out the evening’s performers, for crying out loud:

Nothin’ but class in this act

By comparison, Miss Universe Japan looks covered up and downright bookish!

At the end of the day, regardless of its cosmic reach, we are in fact talking about a BEAUTY PAGEANT, not a post-doctoral graduation ceremony. Others may disagree, but in my eyes, this pageant is about as legit and respectable and culturally relevant as Star Magazine (perhaps less so). It’s a boiling cauldron of disgrace. It’s a disgrace diet shake.

Final thoughts: One thing I really, really, really, truly-ooly respect is Miyasaka’s hot legs. They’re awesome. Gotta give respeck where it’s due, y’know?

[Japan Probe: Is Miss Universe Japan's National Costume a National Disgrace?]

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Daddy Likey

December 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The days are just packed for former Miss Universe Riyo Mori, who, now having passed on the crown to 2008′s winner from Venezuela, still feels as loaded with duty as ever.

As she told Japan Today in a recent interview, “I thought life would be more relaxed but I am still busy.”

We can only imagine what that must be like, especially because we know that the little miss as also a blogger (does that mean that she abuses caffeine and alcohol, flogs herself daily, and ritually beats her head on the desk, like we do?). Like us, she seems to get blasted with tons of reader mail. ““I get many questions, usually about how to be beautiful. Younger women ask me how to be beautiful outside, what cosmetic products to use, how I do my makeup, and so on.”

Jeez. That could take all day.

Fortunately, Mori is not without role models and mentors. When asked about Miss Universe owner Donald Trump, she was filled with praise:

“He was like a big daddy and very nice to me.”

Good to hear! Let’s just hope that daddy doesn’t spank.

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Oops!…I Did It Again

July 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

For the second year running, Miss USA fell on her ass in the Miss Universe pageant. Last night, after being named to the Top 10, Missouri City, Texas-native Crystle Stewart slipped during the evening gown competition:

Is this is some kind of metaphor for America’s standing in the world? (Ms. Stewart finished eighth overall.) Ah well–at least her fall will be good fodder for the future endeavors of Miss USA, a motivational speaker who plans on opening a “character development school” after her reign and is currently working on a book called–I shit you not–”Waiting to Win.”

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Odds and Ends

July 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

WHAT THEY MEAN BY “UGLY ODDS”

Calling all gambling addicts! Tired of throwing your money away on horses, baseball, and boxing? Why not bet on a contest that you can also jerk it to?

Betting odds for the 2008 Miss Universe pageant were recently massaged-and-released, and Miss Venezuela, Dayana Mendoza (pictured left), is the front-runner (+625 odds). The only lady of Asian Persuasian to make it into the top ten is Miss India, Simran Kaur Mundi (+1100).

Three other Asian contestants–Malaysia (+7000), Sri Lanka (+8000), and Japan (+8000)–are languishing in the bottom 20:


So, if you’re feeling lucky, put your money where your mouth wants to be. I mean, “is.”

WHAT THEY MEAN BY “GAY”

Y’all know I love me a gay. Even a Tyson Gay, the U.S. sprinter who won the 100 M dash at the Olympic Trials this weekend. (Gay’s time of 9.68 seconds did not break the world record of 9.72 seconds because he was aided by tailwind). My love for this Gay is rooted mostly in the fact that he, in addition to being awesomely fast, gives good headline:

“GAY MAKES HIS POINT”

“Gay’s display dazzling”

“Is Gay’s big day too good to be true?”

“Gay blows field away (with wind’s help)”

Christian news site OneNewsNow is not with me on this, as they republished an AP story on Gay’s weekend victory by auto-replacing the word “gay” with “homosexual.”


OneNewsNow apparently considers “gay” to be a bad word.

What a bunch of homosexuals!

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Thanks, Doctor Rob!

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Miss Spelling

June 30th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Miss Universe pageant is currently underway in Vietnam and pageant organizers have already demonstrated that they can’t spell “Philippines.” Miss Philippines Jennifer Barrientos’ sash read “Miss Phillippines” for three days before the mistake was corrected. I only learned about this because I happen to have a Google Alert for “Phillipines.” That’s right, with two L’s. Because I, um…am on a mission to rid the world of its ignorance when it comes to spelling the name of this Southeast Asian island-nation. Yes, that’s it! And to do that, I have to be hypervigillant. I have to scour the web for Phillippineses. I have to sleep with one eye open just so that I can be on the lookout at ALL TIMES for those hatefull two L’s. The devills who commit this crime over and over must be stopped, and I, uh…

…I maybe can’t spell “Philippines” either.

The Miss Universe pageant airs July 13 on NBC.

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

May 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Happy 24th birthday to Nadine Chandrawinata, former Miss Indonesia Universe! We’re not really sure what happens to retired beauty queens after all the competitions become memories, but we’re sure it involves lots of face cream and softly lit mirrors.

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What the Hell

March 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I’ve mentioned before that I once attended a Miss Universe pageant. I wound up taking pictures of the contestants for a magazine story and spent quite a bit of time with them. Many of them were robots who responded to anything and everything with a canned answer and a pose. I would be hard-pressed to pick these women out in a lineup, but I do remember Miss India, Nehu Dhupia. She was smaller than most of the other glamazons, and she did not have a perfect body. But she was smart and articulate in a human way. She seemed like she’d be a fun drinking buddy. And her face was truly breathtaking:

Nehu placed in the top ten but didn’t win. Since then, she has become an actress in Bollywood, in addition to…a white Hooters girl???

Okay, maybe she could pass for Latina.

Tell us who she reminds you of!

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YMI Here?

October 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Billboards for YMI Jeanswear have been going up all over town featuring 2007′s Miss Universe Riyo Mori of Japan and Miss USA Rachel “I fell on my ass at Miss Universe” Smith and Miss Teen USA Hilary Cruz.

Now, let’s take a peek at Riyo’s internal monologue during this shoot.

RIYO: YMI sharing billboard space with these losers? YMI doing ads for low-rent hooker wear?

Riyo can also be seen on MTV’s new reality drama-queen show “Pageant Place,” which premiered last Wednesday. The premise is that Miss Universe, Miss USA and 2006′s Miss Teen USA Katie Blair will all live together in an apartment during their reign. Like The Real World, only prettier. The wrinkle? 2006′s Miss USA Tara “Coke-a” Conner moves in with them this week, pissing off both the reigning Miss USA Rachel Smith and Miss Teen USA Katie Blair, who was BFF with Tara until she ratted Tara out to “the organization” for being a cokewhore and almost got her dethroned.

Below, please find Pageant Place’s trailer trash (if doesn’t actually play on our site, because it’s MTV and they blow):

And Riyo’s internal monologue about all this?

RIYO: YMI sharing screen time with these trashy hos? Especially those two blonde fat-faces who are a donut away from blowing up?

(existential pause)

RIYO: Are you there God? It’s me, Riyo. YMI a useless beauty queen/reality show whore? YMI doing any of this? YMI here? Y. M. I….alive?

(existential crisis ensues)

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Universal Heroes, Part Ni

June 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
“I, like, totally have a ‘Samurai Soul’!”

As Diana, like, totally tubularly posted today, Miss, like, Universe 2007, Riyo Mori, wants to break into acting. Miss Universe also totally and li-trally says she has a “Samurai Soul.” That’s so awesome cuz we do too. OMG!!! BFF!!!

Riyo was also, like, all, “”It’s funny because I’ve never been surrounded by so many people, so many cameras.

And we were, like, all, “That’s so, like, funny, because you’re Japanese, y’know? And cameras and Japanese people are all hoozy-whatzy…”

And Riyo was all, “No, guys, for serious.”

And we were all, “I mean, you know, it’s just…”

And then Riyo was all, “What? I don’t, like, get it, ‘kay?”

And we were like, “You are BULLSHIT, Riyo.”

And Riyo was all, like, “I mean it, guys! Stop, like, fracking with me. I’m so sure I’ve, like, never been surrounded by SO MANY CAMERAS.”

And we were all, like, y’know, “Shut up, Riyo, and look pretty.”

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