DISGRASIAN™

Guess It’s Settled: Miley Was Just Smiling With Her Eyes, Really Really Hard

It was announced today that Lucie Kim’s $4 million dollar lawsuit against Miley Cyrus–which we knew in our hearts she would never win–was thrown out by Los Angeles judge Robert Sohigian today.

Sohigian “was not convinced Cyrus had violated a state law protecting citizens from discrimination by businesses,” and tossed the case without so much as a stern talking-to about social responsibility, the significance of buck-teef and slit eyes, or a verbal list of things that toothy, chubby-faced Disney troll-models should not do…especially in front of cameras.

So it’s likely that what Cyrus will take away from this experience is a big, fat PHEW! And a cheerful reminder that when you’re famous, you can do really stupid, shitty, racist crap and never, ever be sorry for it.

[AFP: Judge Dismisses Miley Cyrus 'slant eyes' suit]

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Thanks, Jasmine and Kelly!

Filed under: $4 million Lawsuit, Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Apologies, Bad Judgment, Fuck 'Em All, Lawsuits, Los Angeles, Lucie Kim, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus is a Disease, Miley Cyrus Lawsuit, Not Sorry, Robert Sohigian

Miley Cyrus, Pole Model

Hey look, a photo of Miley Cyrus doing something more offensive than giving the chink-eye:

Okay, not really. But her half-hearted, pedobait pole-dancing at last night’s Teen Choice Awards is definitely up there. Straddling a pole at 16 to entertain an audience of children? This chick has parents, right?

Watch the video of Miley’s pole dance here if you like being bored and creeped out at the same time. The Teen Choice Awards air tonight at 8 pm on FOX.

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Filed under: 2009 Teen Choice Awards, Grease That Pole, It's All Downhill From Here, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus Pole Dancing, Pedobait, Role Models, Straddling a Pole, Strippers

BABEWATCH: Anna Maria Perez de Tagle

Name: Anna Maria Perez de Tagle (née Anna Maria Francesca Enriquez Perez de Tagle)

Age: 18

Occupation: Actress

Why She’s a Babe: While Anna Maria is best known for her work in tween vehicles such as Hannah Montana (in which her character tortured Miley Cyrus–a plus in our book) and Camp Rock, what we love about the 18 year-old–who is of Filipino, Irish, and Spanish descent–is her knowing look. She looks like she knows something that you don’t and she may never tell you what that is. And that’s a refreshing departure from all of those tween stars past and present who withhold nothing and are constantly trying to bare all (ahem, Lindsay).

Of course we’ll eat our words if nude Anna Maria pics hacked from her cell phone ever emerge, but until that sad, desperate moment, we’ll look forward to seeing her big-screen debut in the remake of one of our fave movies of all time, Fame, so that we, along with everyone else, can remember, remember, remember her (rather long and involved) name.

[Official Anna Maria Perez de Tagle website]
[Official Fame trailer]

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Filed under: Anna Maria Perez de Tagle, Beautiful Filipina Women, Fame Remake, Fame the Movie, Filipinos, Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, Mixed People, Pinaysians, Tween Stars Must Die

@MileyCyrus Should Stop Tweeting

Miley Cyrus took her fat face and creepy model boyfriend to Koi last night for some mediocre pseudo-sushi, apparently keeping her Blackberry close all night to Twitter constantly for her fans.

From Gossip Girls:

During the meal, Miss Cyrus let all of her Twitter fans know exactly how she was feeling, tweeting, “Eating sushi! Omgosh California Rolls are from heaven!!! Praise GOD!”

Now, that’s a tweet that we–had we been following the tween on Twitter–would have had to respectfully disagreet with via replytweet @mileycyrus (sorry, this is confusing for me twoo, I mean twoot, I mean–). Here’s the deal: California rolls are baaaarely sushi, and–as I learned from Jen after she did months of research with a multitude of our fine city’s famed sushi chefs– borne from Los Angeles and not “heaven.”

Miss Miley followed up her food epiphony with another insider nugget of info:

“My waiter at Koi looks like dude from HGTV! Is it weird if I ask for an autograph?”

UH.

Maybe we would just…say something…

@mileycyrus you aren’t talking about vern yip, are you?

@mileycyrus http://tinyurl.com/bleepox123

@mileycyrus surely yer not just saying that cuz he’s azn!!!

@mileycyrus maybe he’z not asian, maybe just has a goofy face

@mileycyrus oh u must mean the other dude on hgtv, eric stromer? hot! http://tinyurl.com/blargh345

@mileycyrus totally ask him for his autograph!

@mileycyrus u can make your face look thinner if u tilt it slightly

Filed under: Autographs, California Rolls, Disgrestaurants, Eric Stromer, Faces, Fat Heads, God, HGTV, Koi, Miley Cyrus, Mistasian Identity, Models, Sushi, Twitter, Vern Yip, We All Look Alike

Premature Autobiographicasian

Oh, joyous of days!

It looks like DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer Miley Cyrus, 16, has finally completed her rather premature autobiography, Miles to Go, a tell-all for Disney Books.

Guess her thrilling story is finished! Hopefully she’ll expire now.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Disney, Hateful People, Idiots, Life Stories, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus is a Disease, Miley Cyrus Makes Fun of Asians, Not Sorry, Teenagers, Time to Disappear

HONORASIAN ALERT: This Hannah Montana-Hating, Metallica-Loving Kid

If this kid isn’t DISGRASIAN’s love child…

…I don’t know who is.

You fucking rule, kid.

[via BuzzFeed]

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Filed under: Cool Kids, Disney Sucks, Good Taste, Hannah Montana, Honorasians, Love Children, Metallica, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, We Love Child Geniuses

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Miley "Chink-Eye" Cyrus

On February 2, when Miley Cyrus’s lovable gestures first caught our collective chink-eye, we assumed the incident would go down simply: we’d bitch about her massive racist error on our blog, lots of other peeps would do the same thing, Disney would then shit their pants, the little starlet would put her tail between her legs, and ultimately, an effusive apology decorated with heart and star stickers would soon be unleashed upon the PR wire. Something like, “Miley is so sorry to the Asians. Please Asians, forgive us, and continue to spend all of your amazing money on our prefab Disney drivel.”

All we really expected from Miley Cyrus and her owner, Disney, was a perfunctory, predictable apology. Instead, we ended up with two bullshit, quasi-sorry blog statements.

Now that it’s clear Miley isn’t going to make any effort to make things right, one woman has got her own message for Miley Cyrus, and is saying it in legalese:

Angeleno Lucie Kim has filed a $4 billion lawsuit–basically entitling each of the 1 million Asian Pacific Islanders in L.A. County to the minimum amount, $4,000, of a civil case–against Cyrus, to make her pay for the suffering she’s caused us all.

At first we thought this legal stunt was absurd, if not detrimental to the cause. But then we realized it teaches us all two very important lessons:

1. RACISM COSTS.
2. We goofy-faces can be $4,000 richer off of someone else’s ignorance and stupidity. WOO-FUCKING-HOO!!!

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Thanks, Jasmine, Tuyen, and Chris!

Filed under: Lawsuits, Lucie Kim, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus Lawsuit, Racism Costs, TMZ, We Want Our Money Honey

This Sucks and Blows

For the “bong hit heard ’round the world,” Michael Phelps was forced to pay some dues: He apologized. His mom apologized. His bong apologized. His contract with Kellogg won’t be renewed, and in lockstep, Subway almost dropped him as well (Thankfully–now I can still order $5 footlongs when necessary). In order to keep Mazda from pulling their funds as well, the man with the golden stroke was even asked to submit this enthusiastic video apology to his “friends in” (read: all of) China:

Call me a derelict, but am I the only one that thinks all of this nonsense is much ado about bong hit? Phelps has been put through the ringer for a photo he did not pose for, because he was smoking weed (like most of you will do this weekend). I don’t care. I don’t want him to apologize! I want him to go home and polish his medals, and post some pictures of his abs to put up on Facebook.

Meanwhile, Chris Brown and Miley Cyrus stay mum about their recent bouts of questionable behavior, our 43rd President will probably never apologize for his crimes against humanity, and Anne Hathaway shall forever owe the world an apology for her insufferable acceptance speech at this year’s Critic’s Choice Awards.

Seems a bit off to me, but maybe I’m just baked.

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Filed under: Bong Hits, China, Chris Brown, I Don't Get Anne Hathaway, Kellogg, Marijuana, Mazda, Michael Phelps, Miley Cyrus, Nonsense, Public Apologies, Subway, This is Bullshit, Weed, Weird American Behavior

Appy-polly-loggies, Miley.

Dear Miley,

We’ve been wrong all along. It has quickly become clear that we at DISGRASIAN are the ones that owe you an apology (or a number of them) regarding the “photo of you and your friends,” rather than the other way around. Whoopsie!

Let’s begin: We’re awfully sorry if we called bullshit on the first apology you circulated, addressing the chink-eye photos that have been swirling around the Internet for over a week. We’re sorry if, as evidenced by your second apology, you can’t fucking read.

Like you, we’re sorry “if” we were offended by the photos, if we happen to find mockery of our slitty eyes and chinky buck teef, like, insulting. We’re sorry if we didn’t understand at first that GOD’s plan is for you to be an insensitive, ignorant, good-for-nothing, alienating ingrate. We’re sorry if your face is really naturally goofy (like ours!). We’re sorry if we’re convinced that you are slightly inbred. We’re sorry if it took you half a millisecond to grow “embarassed” and apologize to your fans for the “racy” (eh–we’re not convinced) Annie Leibovitz photos in June 2008’s Vanity Fair, yet you and your bullshit PR team can’t deign to officially deal with these “racist” photos in any kind of decent way. We’re sorry if we believe that Disney is evil, and y’all are proof positive of that.

Moreover, we’re sorry if wrath rains down upon your prett–er, your little head. We’re sorry if one day you happen to find yourself lost in the dark, pummeled by hail, caught up in a horde of locusts, covered in blood and boils, or attacked by frogs and flies. We’re sorry if you end up like Britney–bald, bloated, and crazy. We’re sorry if you find out soon that your model boyfriend doesn’t like girls in “that way.” We’re sorry if your dad has chin pubes. We’re sorry if we still have no idea what you’re famous for.

We’re so sorry, Miley. Anyway, we’ve gotta get back to our busy lives of stuff and stuff! Yayy! =] Here’s a goofy face for the road!!!

Blessings… xoxo
DISGRASIAN

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Thanks, Thuy, jRu, and Jen!

Filed under: Disney, Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus Makes Fun of Asians, Non-Apologies, Not Sorry, Public Apologies, This is Bullshit

Dear Miley Cyrus: Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry in a Half-Assed Way

Dear Miley,

Asians hate apologizing. Because it means we have to admit we were wrong. And we hate being wrong as much as we hate apologizing, which is why we excel at stuff to painstakingly avoid it. Our parents also never taught us the distinction between apologizing and flogging ourselves; when we were wrong as kids, we’d have to apologize for the ages. Literally. Like for stuff we did years ago, that we had already apologized for, not to mention the stuff we did five minutes ago. Then we’d have to admit that we fucked up not because, y’know, we occasionally dabbled in bad behavior or that we were, um, children, but because of some deep dark character flaw that we would have to spend the rest of our lives rectifying. Which then sent us into some horrible shame spiral about our “true” selves. It was all very grim, punishing, and Catholic, like Meryl Streep’s character in the movie Doubt, but if it taught us one thing, it was that WE. ALWAYS. HAVE. TO. DO. BETTER.

All this is just to say that we get how hard it is to say you’re sorry. It’s so much easier to, like, shoot an elephant. So when we heard this morning that you’d apologized for giving us the chink-eye, we were pleased, to say the least. Relieved too, because we were exhausted from reading all of the lazy, unexamined responses to the chink-eye picture that told us to “lighten up” or that our eyes “really look like that” or that, apropos of nothing, we’re just mad because our dicks are so teeny. You see, therein lies the problem: when you have a really famous person doing a really racist gesture–and we can’t believe we have to spell this out in the year 2009–it opens the floodgates. It makes it okay to hate. It gives a greenlight to people to air out, inflate, and disseminate their prejudices with impunity.

But then we actually read your “apology”:

“Ive also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, Im sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!

In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy? It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new ‘BAD GIRL’!”

I feel like now that Britney is back on top of her game again, they need someone to pick on! Lucky me! haha Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know what is on my heart. You guys know me and have been by my side every step of the way!

You guys know my heart and know the most important things to me are my friends, family, fans, and GOD! In NO WAY do I want to disappoint any of you! But, when I have made mistakes in the past, I feel like Ive owned up to them and apologized.

Anyway, I really wish everyone would stop focusing on my personal life and get back to focusing on what I love! Music and Acting! Hopefully, I will be touring again this fall! Yayy! =] It will be a nice change to be back out on the road again! xoxo Blessings.. Miley =)”

“Im sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!“?

Never begin an apology with “I’m sorry IF.” That makes it a conditional and half-assed. That’s like saying, “I’m sorry if I offended you. You think I offended you, but I don’t, and I refuse to think about this further because I’m right and you’re wrong. Who wants ice cream?” If you apologize, you have to own it.

Also, never lie in an apology. “I was simply making a goofy face.” No, you weren’t. You were giving us the chink-eye, an internationally-recognized symbol of unwelcome, like the reverse pineapple. The guy who’s making a peace sign and covering his mouth behind your hirsute boyfriend knows it. And your token Asian friend, who’s the only person not giving us the chink-eye because, deep down, underneath the hair product and the “I’m-just-happy-to-be-here” attitude, he understands on an inchoate level that you’re really laughing at him, and not with him…he knows it, too.

Furthermore, don’t leave things unsaid in an apology. If you’re going to blame the context, you’re obliged to provide the context. But in what context is giving the chink-eye acceptable? Are you going to feign like the Spanish Basketball Team and try to pass it off as a “loving” gesture? Were you and your friends doing an impromptu staging of Miss Saigon (we’ll admit we love that musical for the helicopter rescue)? Or were you just high, as a lot of people are saying you were? Marijuana is always a lousy excuse for bad behavior. And don’t hide behind the word “context.” Context doesn’t make it right.

How do we know so much about apologizing, when we’re so loath to do it? Well, we’ve had a lot of practice. And also, we’re Asian, and, like we said before, we excel at things because we don’t like to fuck up, make mistakes, and get sent down a horrible shame spiral. If you really want to be like us, Miley, get your fingers out of your eyes, and start doing the same.

love means never having to say you’re sorry in a half-assed way,

DISGRASIAN

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Filed under: Apologies, Ching-Chongery, Chink Eye, Half-Assed Things, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus Makes Fun of Asians, Public Apologies, Racist Gestures, This is Bullshit

Along for the Rice

Just in case you missed it, a photo of Miley Cyrus and her pretty pals making chinky-chong-chong faces for the camera hit the Internet running yesterday (Miley Cyrus? In a leaked photo? Shocker!), and hasn’t lost gas. Maybe when you first peeped it, you were like us, and commented on the one Asian schmuck in the picture. Like any douche worth his seat next to Hannah Montana--the tool undoubtedly bit his lip (“Yeah! Slanty! Hee! No, it’s funny cuz I’m here! You guys are great!”) and giggled while his friends talked to him in buck-toof. And then wondered at night why he doesn’t get laid.

In response, OCA (a non-profit, pro-social APA group) distributed a press release yesterday to address the mess, including one rather obvious point:

“The inclusion of an Asian Pacific American individual in the photo does not make it acceptable.”

Er, ya think? Frankly, we would have imagined a more succinct:

“Tell Hannah Montana to stop listening to that little, yellow friend of hers. He’s just a silly chink!”

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Filed under: Chink Eye, Chinky Faces, Chinky-Ass Shit, Cousin Tams, Getting Laid, Inexcusable Stuff, Insecure Assholes, Miley Cyrus, OCA, Tools, Weak Men

Face It, Miley

I shouldn’t be expected to understand the Miley Cyrus thing: I don’t think I pay for the Disney channel, I’m not eleven years old, and I certainly don’t find Billy Ray’s chin-pube influence to be at all acceptable. All signs point to “no” with the little butterface. Can she sing? Sorta. Can she dance? Kinda. Is she gentle on the eyes? Hardly. So there you go. I DON’T GET HER.

It’s not that I’m totally out of touch with tween culture or Disney’s brilliant machine, guys. The wild success of the Jonas Brothers totally makes sense to me. Sure, they make terrible music. Yes, their pants are too tight and I’m not at all comfortable with their penchant for ill-fitting vests and high boots. And okay, if they never perform at another football halftime show, it’ll be too soon. But these boys, with their pretty little koala faces, are so damn sugary and cute that they’re impossible for the little ladies to resist. That I can accept. A girl’s gotta have somebody to doodle about in her easy-lock diary, for crying out loud. Give ‘em three cute brothers.

But this Miley girl–whose given name isn’t even Miley (“Miley” was apparently short for, er, “Smiley”–a nickname adopted by her parents)–this girl is not cute. As far as I can tell on the Interwebz, she’s basically just average in every single possible way. Let’s be honest, homegirl has a face that only a chin-pubey, too-close dad can be expected to love (by the by, few others seems willing to say such things because she’s just a young thing, and it’s wrong to judge the little ones harshly… but I’m an asshole, and after I see enough Internet photos of a chick in her underwear I no longer regard her as “little,” and overall I just don’t care).

But while we’re on the subject of faces, y’know, it occurs to me that I’ve always meant to give the little lass some advice on the face she seems to make most repeatedly in photographs (usually self-snapped). It’s an awkward, puckery, duck face. An unflattering pout, if you will.

My advice would be: Always make a nice face in photos. If you were a person with a cute face, it would be all about angles. If your head was cute but a little round, you’d be wary not to let your full moon take over a picture. But if you’re like, really grim, as in your case, and have got a truly tragic mug, always, ALWAYS opt for pretty expressions. Don’t dick around with icky faces–you can’t pull it off. And when assessing your look, always trust a picture. Never trust your ego. Your ego will likely tell you: You’re famous! That means you’re gorgeous! But your ego will be wrong.

‘Cuz then you’ll have but a moment to get out of my face, before Jen and I decide that we’re ready to bust up your face. And it will be the most unfortunate situasian you’ve ever had to face.

And two bitches you don’t ever want to face, face-to-face… are us.

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Thanks, jRu, Ashley, Jasmine, Bao-Viet, Tammy, Elisa, and Eukadanz!

Filed under: Assholes, Chink Eye, Chinky Faces, Disney, Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus Makes Fun of Asians, This is Not Okay, Ugly Chicks, Yuckers