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Gruel and Forty Lashes for Mikuko

March 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Of course Mikuko put this matchy-matchy outfit together for me. Don’t even ask me where my necktie went. I told her explicitly to put one out for me but that little bitch “forgot,” as per uze. If I’ve told her once, I’ve told her a million times, ties make me look edgy and dope. She’s eating gruel for the next two weeks–I will not be made a fool–and forty lashes when I get home. Maybe it’s time to let little Kingston try his hand at the whip. Ah, they grow up so fast, don’t they? I’m going to need 500 Restylane shots in my ass and a coffee enema to get me out of this morning funk. Why why are slaves so ungrateful?”


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Shut Up and Look Pretty

March 29th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Pictured below is Gwen Stefani and one of her Japanese comfort women performing last night on American Idol:

Gwen Stefani: Quick, Mikuko, get me my syringe. My face is starting to move.

Mikuko: With all due respect, Mistress Stefani, as I’ve told you eight thousand times before, my name is Elizabeth. (sigh) Do you need your face deep-freezer or do you want the stuff for your armpits, too?

Gwen Stefani: Mikuko! What did I say about talking back to your Mistress? Say another word and I will be forced…to hand you over to Master Rossdale.

Mikuko: Please, no, no, Mistress! I’ll do anything! I’ll follow you in full costume on your errands to Rite-Aid and the Beverly Center. I’ll eat Kingston’s runny poop, if you spare me this time! I am not so fond of Master Rossdale.

Gwen Stefani: Well I don’t like that puss-, er, Master Rossdale either. Try walking ONE day in my white patent tranny shoes, Mikuko! Ah, to be a slave. Not a care in the world.

Mikuko: Yes, yes, not a care.

Gwen Stefani: To have food and clothes and makeup provided for you, to never have to pay for anything. It’s like the world is your goody bag.

Mikuko: Mistress, I most deferentially beg to differ, but…

Gwen Stefani: Forty lashes tonight for you, Mikuko, for daring to talk back to your Mistress! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times before, Shut the fuck up and look pretty, Slave! That’s it! We’re done here. Now which one of you Japs, Mikuko, Mikuki, Mikaka–I can never tell you apart anyway–is holding my Gucci diaper bag? I think I just crapped myself.


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