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When in Doubt, Blame the Pap

August 18th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Hayden Panettiere recently revealed to Company Magazine that the public and paparazzi are the source of her relationship blues, a prime example being her breakup last year with co-star ex Milo Ventimiglia.

Why Hayden?

She says:

“It’s very, very difficult and people have no idea what they do to peoples’ relationships. They destroy them. The paparazzi and the public,” [in] a revealing interview with Company Magazine. “The public wants to read about your personal life, and the paparazzi give it to them by nosing into your personal life and saying things that are just not true and horrible.”

So here’s “me,” absolutely shocked at this revelation. And horrified the public and paparazzi would and could poison a relationship so precious as that between two actors.

After all, what could be more rock solid than a union of celebrity performers? Especially involving a young hot starlet deeply embroiled in the hot club scene of Hollywood, and her decade-plus-older beau?

I’m blown away. Jaw agape.

OH! And I’m also holding the world’s smallest violin:

Play it again, Jen!

[PopCrunch: Hayden Panettiere Blames Fans, Paparazzi For Ruining Lovelife]

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Next Thing You Know, They’ll Be Shaq-ing Up

July 17th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Sure she can gyrate. But what about that bikini wax?

Something tells me this is what Tila Tequila would be up to if she REALLY LET HERSELF GO.

[via Yahoo! Sport UK + Ireland]

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Joe Jonas: "Look Me in the Chink-Eyes"

March 18th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Oh, Joe. Not you too. Now I’m gonna have to throw out my Jonas Brothers records along with my Miley Cyrus records. What’s left to listen to? Radiohead?! Not. Fair. Because I love you guys. I do, I really do. Midgets are magical creatures, like unicorns. And, no, it’s not a sexual thing, because I wear a purity ring just like you. I, too, think I’m better than everyone else and want to save myself for marriage. But if you’re better than everyone else, Joe, why this?

Why disappoint your fans? Why not stick to doing what you do best, and by that I mean wearing scarves and trimming your bushy eyebrows so they don’t grow down into your eyes? Your pretty, pretty, un-slanty eyes. (Actually, come to think of it, a lot of people think you have slanty eyes.) But, but…where was I? Your eyes. Right. Your pretty eyes make my giney tickle. No, I didn’t mean that. I will stay pure, even if you don’t. Yes, I did. God, I’m so confused! What do I believe in anymore? What’s next? Are you really even a virgin? Can I honestly believe that you and Camilla Belle haven’t done the nasty? What if that purity ring is like Britney’s vow to keep her cherry until marriage, in other words, a big fat lie? What if everything about you and your brothers is one big fat lie? What if you’re not really these squeaky-clean nice guys, and you’re actually d-bags? How do I know that you don’t like porn and have herpes and really like making out with other guys? Are you and your brothers really even midgets? Do you like smoking marijuana? Oh, Joe. I hate this feeling. I do. My giney is so not tickling for you right now. So. Not.


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And for the Record…

January 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The little bear costume I intend to buy for Jen’s future offspring looks like this:

…NOT this:

Or–shit, is that baby actually in a monkey costume?

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Michelle Malkin Is Asian, After All

August 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

For those of you who’ve ever wondered if Michelle Malkin is really Asian, given her championing of internment camps and other racist whatthefuckery, watch this video taken of a protest yesterday in Denver, where Michelle was “reporting”:

Didja see how our favorite conservamidge clung to her camera like any good Asian would? Nothing was going to come between Michelle and her Nikon! NOTHING.

As for her Britney-esque gum-smacking problem?

Well, we never said bitch was civilized.

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Hey (Hey!) You (You!), We Don’t Think You’re Sexy

August 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

In what has become a grand tradition of trying to make immodest musical performers (like Gwen and Beyonce) bow down in fully-clothed, booty-not-shakin’ fashion, the Islamic opposition party of Malaysia has turned its efforts towards banning an Avril Lavigne performance set for August 29 in Kuala Lumpur. reports:

“‘It is considered too sexy for us. … It’s not good for viewers in Malaysia,’ party official Kamarulzaman Mohamed said. ‘We don’t want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models.’ Kamarulzaman sent protest letters to the Culture, Arts and Heritage Ministry and Kuala Lumpur’s mayor last week, calling for the concert to be canceled.”

We’ve banned Ms. Lavigne–from, well, our lives, basically–for a number of reasons:

1) Her Mandarin sucks

2) Too short

3) Diana hates poseurs more than hippies (which is saying something)

4) Homegirl is probably a plagiarist

5) “Skater” is not spelled, “sk8ter” in our book, which is the only book we care about

6) She’s really, super, creepily short

7) Stupid eyeliner

8) Dear God is she little

Anyway, NONE OF THESE ITEMS involve her being too sexy.

We just. Don’t. See it. We just don’t.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Olsen Emulasian

April 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I don’t really care one way or the other when it comes to the Olsen Twins. Wait–I actually don’t think you’re actually supposed to call them “the Olsen Twins” anymore; they prefer you call them “Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen,” or “The Olsens,” but aren’t they in fact twins? It all sounds like a waste of brain space to me.

All I know is that Jen dressed up as MK a few years ago for Halloween, and this other girl Zooey did the same the following year, and they both looked wan and swathed in fabric and faaaaaaaaaaaabulous. Playing a billionaire skinny midge with both a caffeine and Balenciaga problem is FUN. Which is why when Jen put on an enormous, draping, sweater robe in our Boston hotel the other night (during the Harvard stop of this week’s DISGRASIAN tour), I delighted in her resemblance to the Troubled Olsen.

Can’t picture it? She looked almost exactly like this:

…except without the yellow bag and the idiotic fuzz donut around her forehead.

Um, wow.

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American Bye-dol

April 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Poor Ramiele Malubay. We hardly knew ye…

…or could see ye.

Farewell, our little boob-grabbin’ Pinaysian sensasian!

Source: Fox

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Save the Losers

January 31st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Hayden,

You’re sweet, i.e. you haven’t flashed your cooter in public yet. You seem grounded, i.e. you haven’t gone to rehab or gotten preggo. And there’s something beautiful about the fact that you’re this teeny girl trying to save some of the largest mammals on Earth.

But what the heck is up with your fetish for losers?

totally confused,

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Ellen Page Has No Neck

January 29th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Regardless of how you feel about the movie Juno, aka “This Year’s Crash,” I think we can all agree on one thing: Ellen Page has no neck.

Is this why I find her so annoying? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s her marble-mouthed mumbling that bugs. Maybe it’s because she wore Zac Poseur to the SAG awards. Maybe it’s her “I’m just a girl from a small town in Canada” and “Juno was just a little independent movie” spiel. Maybe it’s cuz she’s a midget.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I, too, am a sufferer of No Neck Syndrome (NNS). It’s extremely difficult for me to do a headstand while balanced on my elbows and forearms, for instance. I also have to seriously consider the cut of a neckline before I get dressed so as not to appear like a 13 year-old Romanian gymnast. Turtlenecks are not my strong suit. I guess I can’t stand Ellen Page because, really, she reminds me of my own defects. And this is only a public fit of self-hatred that I’m having, rather than a legitimate gripe about how homegirl’s still in diffident pregnant teen-character while whoring out on the red carpet and every late-night talk show. Yeah, this rant is really about me and not about Ellen Page at all. Phew! So glad I figured that one out.


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Oh Whale

January 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Hey, Hayden?

I know that in your real, non-Heroes life, you’re pretty busy getting out the youth vote, saving whales in Japan, y’know regular time-consuming stuff!

Can you do us a quick favor? Put a little extra juice into domestic issues for the moment. You like whales, clearly. Can you help us figure out why President Bush seems to like Naval combat training more than Southern Californian whales? I know fighting’s important and all but… anyway.

Bat those pretty eyes and help us figure it out, will ya?



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CazZzhmere Mafia

January 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

[Overheard at DISGRASIAN HQ this morning, on why CazZzhmere Mafia's ratings blew]

DIANA: I’m not sooo surprised, are you? I mean, shit was stale. The clothes weren’t even fun to look at. Did you do an oversized belt count?

JEN: Yeah–I clocked it at 81.

DIANA: It was such a watered-down Sex and the City. No, scratch that. It was Sex and the City backwash. Wait…no…it was like a Sex and the City…enema.

JEN: Huh? I thought it was about three boring white girls who, out of the kindness of their hearts, make it their charitable mission to help an Asian midget find love! You know, cuz it’s hard for little people out there in the dating wor–

DIANA: Whaaat?!? What channel were you watching? Did you wander over to TLC or something?

JEN: I don’t know. I’m so confused. Maybe I wasn’t wearing my contacts?

DIANA: Welp, ya didn’t miss much. Like I said, a Sex and the City e-ne-ma.


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