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On Wednesday, Apple’s market cap moved past Microsoft’s by $3 billion, which had CNN Money declaring Microsoft “no longer the industry’s alpha dog.”
CNN Money interviewed a couple experts on what Microsoft had to do to continue keeping up with the Jobses, with one analyst suggesting:
“They have to continue to try to find other businesses, otherwise growth is always going to be bound by the PC market. Wall Street believes in Apple because Apple continues to put out new products that capture the imaginations of the press and tech pundits. Microsoft just hasn’t been able to come up with a new multi billion dollar business like Apple.”
And while we’re no experts, we are a target demo, as the owners of about a dozen Apple products between us, so here’s another suggestion:
Filed under: Apple, Apple Products, Apple Surpasses Microsoft in Market Cap, Asians And Their Unholy Obsession with Gadgets, Cute Things, I'm a Mac, iPad, iPhone, Macbooks, Microsoft, Microsoft Kin Phone, Microsoft Products Are Depressing-Looking, Steve Jobs, Ugly Shit, Zune
In an effort to promote the debut of Windows 7 last week in Japan, Microsoft partnered up with Burger King to offer this monstrosity, the Windows 7 Whopper:
Seven Whopper patties, 1.7 lbs of meat, and 2,120 calories for 777 yen.
So what this tells me about Microsoft’s latest operating system is…
- Windows 7 is messy.
- Windows 7 will make me puke.
- Windows 7 is bad for me.
- Microsoft ad people suck.
- Windows 7 will give me diabeetus.
- Windows 7 is trying to kill me.
- Windows 7 is for sad people.
Great ad campaign, guys!
A couple of days ago, TechCrunch reported on a curious case of race-swapping that they discovered on two identical Microsoft marketing sites. In the U.S. version of the site, a photo of an Asian man, a black man, and a white woman could be seen on Microsoft’s “Business Productivity Infrastructure” home page:
But in the Polish version of the same site, the head of the black man had been photoshopped out and replaced with that of a white man:
After the blogosphere caught wind of this, the Polish site was changed, and the black man restored to the photo. Microsoft apologized Wednesday for this racial switcheroo and stated that they were “looking into the details of this situation.”
Presumably that also means they’ve fired the photoshop guy who not only did the horrible cut-and-paste job on the replacement head–notice its distinct Linda-Blair-in-The Exorcist-head-swivel–but left in the black hand, and, perhaps most devastatingly for Microsoft, failed to notice, unlike several savvy commenters over at Photoshop Disasters, that the computer in front of the black/not-black guy is an Apple MacBook(!).
Question: Who can resist the ineffable charms of a 4 1/2 year-old, tech-savvy, chubby-cheeked little Asian tater tot who emails her parents, doctors her pictures, has a pet fish named Dorothy, and tries to sell you a PC?
Answer: We can.
But it is. Oh. So. Hard. Because. She. Is. Our. Achilles. Heel. Damn. You. Bill. Gates.
Hey dude. We know you’re having a shitty week. Shoot, the whole world knows, which probably means that, right about now, you’re in bed with the curtains drawn, licking raw cookie dough off your fingers, catching up on all those episodes of Deadliest Catch you’ve got stored on your TiVo. While everyone else is speculating what if (you had taken the Microsoft deal) and what next (for Yahoo!), we want to focus on YOU, Jer. Because, hey, you’re still worth a couple billion–okay, maybe a little less with this financial crisis thingy goin’ on–and you’ve worked really hard for that dough. Maybe too hard, naw mean? Don’t you think it’s time to step away from all this technological innovasian and have some good old-fashioned fun for a change?
That’s why we’re here. We, unlike you, are not billionaires. We really don’t know squat about running a business, much less, like, balancing our checkbooks. But we do know how to have fun. And if we had your kinda money, we would know how to spend it. Here are a few suggestions that we guarantee will help cheer you up:
1) Buy a sports team
We know what you’re thinking. Paul Allen’s been there, done that. But unlike Allen, you could buy a team, and, instead of merely parking yourself courtside to get some camera time or wasting your owner’s box on celebutard hangers-on or being content when your team is a perennial also-ran, you could commit. To building a contender. Don’t worry if you don’t know anything about sports. We can teach you. The first thing you need to know is that the Dallas Cowboys, the Pittsburgh Steelers, or the Boston Red Sox should be top 3 on your wishlist. Not just because they’re our favorite teams. Well, okay…maybe because they’re our favorite teams, but, like, whatever, all three of these teams have been #1 in one way or another over the last decade (merchandising and world championships), and you do want to be #1 again, don’t you?
2) Buy your way onto the space shuttle
You wanted to be more competitive with Google, right? Well, Sergey Brin bought his ticket to space…why not you? Since Sergey’s probably busy, like, Googling and stuff, you could totally get there before him! How awesome would it feel to beat Google for a change? Also, we can’t think of a better way to make your Hardass Asian Mama proud. All Asian parents want their kids to go to space; it’s a law of nature, like the effects of gravity. It’s going to cost you $35 million, and it will only bring short-term satisfaction, but if it means besting Google and making your Mom proud in one move, it’s worth every last purple penny.
3) Start an online-media empire in Asia
If space isn’t enough of a final frontier for you, let’s talk Asia. You’re already doing business there. You’ve earned a pretty bad reputasian for your dealings with China, and you probably feel a shit-ton of shame over it. Well, you should. But we’re not here to pile on (for now). We think that you could begin to make amends, however, by creating a content-driven online-media empire in Asia to satisfying the burgeoning middle- and upper-classes who want perspective, voice, opinion, and humor in their news. Think of it as becoming the Arianna Huffington of Asia, Yahoo! News with a panty-twist. We, um, could help you get started with that. In fact, we have this blog that would fit right into that business model. We’re all about Asia and Asians and opinions and humor. A weird coincidence, right?!
Anyhoo! Bet you’re feeling better already. We certainly are. So call us, Jerry Yang. We’re here for you.
always looking on the bright side,
DIANA and JEN blog their little hearts out on their Mac computers.
DIANA: Aaargghhh! I hate the latest version of Microsoft Word. It’s formatting all crazy again. Damn you, Bill Gates. An hour’s worth of work, down the shitter.
JEN: I think Bill Gates is misunderstood.
DIANA: (snorts) Yeah right.
JEN: No, I’m serious. Did you know he gave three million to Myanmar?
DIANA: That’s the least he could do, since he’s worth a gajillion dollars.
JEN: 58 billion, actually. But he’s no longer the world’s richest man even.
DIANA: Who is?
JEN: Warren Buffett.
DIANA: Aww! I love Warren Buffett! He’s so cuddly. I just want to squish him.
JEN: That’s what I’m saying about Bill Gates. I think he’s totally misunderstood. I think he’s probably a very nice man–
DIANA: OMG. Are you high? Bill Gates is a monopolist, a corporate raider, and, above all else, a greedy NERRRRRRD. I bet he eats his own boogers.
JEN: But he’s trying to solve the HIV/AIDS crisis in Africa.
DIANA: With that kind of money, he shoulda solved it already.
JEN: And he’s friends with Bono.
DIANA: I hate U2.
JEN: And he’s stepping down as Microsoft chairman in July to focus on charity.
DIANA: Dude. Seriously. What’s gotten into you?!
JEN: Nothing. What are you talking about? I’m great. I’ve just decided that…I love Bill Gates.
DIANA: I’m going to throw up.
JEN: (sighs) Okay, fine. I’m kissing Bill Gates’s ass. For a really good reason. Did you see what he gave South Korean president Lee Myung-bak earlier this month? Check it out:
JEN: Yeah, that’s right. A black Xbox with mother-of-pearl inlay. Only 100 of them were made.
DIANA: (awestruck) Shit. I just splooged my pants.
JEN: That’s what I’m saying.
DIANA: I love Bill Gates. I HAVE TO be his new BFF.
Like many of you, I’ve been watching closely to see what will become of yesterday’s super-dot-com, Yahoo!, as Jerry Yang and pals try desperately to avoid Microsoft’s low-ball $46.6 billion hostile takeover.
Phew! Jen and I can’t wait until somebody attempts a $46.6 billion takeover of DISGRASIAN. Sorry, readers, at that point there will be no resistance, only island-purchasing. But you’ll all be invited to stay awhile!
Regarding Yahoo!’s reticence, I recently read an assessment of Yang that I never thought I’d see:
“According to one source close to the situation, ‘The emotional part of Yang would rather do anything but sell to Microsoft, but he doesn’t have the cards to come up with a value-creating, competitive alternative for shareholders.’”
My stoic, terse, anal-retentive, never-say-cry, Hardass Asian Dad and I have a pretty simple message for weepy Mr. Yang: “Do not emote. Sell! Sell! Sell!”
Hard to say, really…
Bill Gates receives Honorary Doctorate
“Microsoft Corp. Chairman Bill Gates receives the Honorary Doctorate of Tsinghua University from Chinese academician Gu Binglin after delivering a speech to the students there Thursday, April 19, 2007.