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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Scotty Lago, Michael Phelps And The Olympic-Sized Case Of Mistasian Identity
Earlier in the week, we told you about how snowboarder Scotty Lago went on Kimmel and, with the help of a friend who’d spoken to fellow Olympian Michael Phelps, identified the woman who blew his bronze and got him bounced from the Games as a reporter who had also tried to “make out” with Phelps.
Good thing our friends are smarter than Scotty and Michael’s friends, because ours quickly pointed us to this post by Canadiasian gossip blogger Elaine “Lainey” Lui, the reporter in question, who runs the site Lainey Gossip. Lainey not only refutes that she’s the same woman who gave Lago the bronzejob, but she also tells her side of the story behind the “alleged” Phelps make-out attempt.
Lainey Lui on the left, The Bronze Blower on the right
She writes in “For Michael Phelps: Distinguishing Asians 101″:
Filed under: Blowjobs, Broheems, Bronzejobs, Butterfaces, Douche-nozzles, Douchebags, Lainey Gossip, Lainey Lui, Michael Phelps, Mistasian Identity, Olympians, Scott Lago, Scotty Lago, Scotty Lago Bronze Medal Blowjob, Scotty Lago On Jimmy Kimmel, Scotty Lago Racy Photos, White Boys
Snowboarder Scotty Lago went on Jimmy Kimmel this week to clear the air about those darned racy photos that got him kicked out of the Vancouver Olympics festivities before the closing ceremony.
Medal groupie!? In the interview, Lago says fellow Olympian Michael Phelps recognized the girl from the photos as someone who once posed as a reporter and tried to make out with him. Read: it was that skank’s fault.
Hunh. Lago’s story smacks of one that some cheesedick would tell in a locker room to all of his pimply-faced buddies, trashing the poor girl he convinced to blow him the night before. “Oh yeah, she was gagging for it!”
Filed under: 2010 Olympics, 2010 Winter Olympics, Air BJ, Blowjobs, Gagging For It, Jimmy Kimmel, Medal Groupie, Michael Phelps, Olympians, Scotty Lago, Scotty Lago On Jimmy Kimmel, Scotty Lago Racy Photos, Talking Shit, the Olympics, Trash Talk, Vancouver Olympics, Vancouver Winter Olympics
For the “bong hit heard ’round the world,” Michael Phelps was forced to pay some dues: He apologized. His mom apologized. His bong apologized. His contract with Kellogg won’t be renewed, and in lockstep, Subway almost dropped him as well (Thankfully–now I can still order $5 footlongs when necessary). In order to keep Mazda from pulling their funds as well, the man with the golden stroke was even asked to submit this enthusiastic video apology to his “friends in” (read: all of) China:
Call me a derelict, but am I the only one that thinks all of this nonsense is much ado about bong hit? Phelps has been put through the ringer for a photo he did not pose for, because he was smoking weed (like most of you will do this weekend). I don’t care. I don’t want him to apologize! I want him to go home and polish his medals, and post some pictures of his abs to put up on Facebook.
Meanwhile, Chris Brown and Miley Cyrus stay mum about their recent bouts of questionable behavior, our 43rd President will probably never apologize for his crimes against humanity, and Anne Hathaway shall forever owe the world an apology for her insufferable acceptance speech at this year’s Critic’s Choice Awards.
Seems a bit off to me, but maybe I’m just baked.
Filed under: Bong Hits, China, Chris Brown, I Don't Get Anne Hathaway, Kellogg, Marijuana, Mazda, Michael Phelps, Miley Cyrus, Nonsense, Public Apologies, Subway, This is Bullshit, Weed, Weird American Behavior
What is up with Michael Phelps and his love of low-rent Asian things? Didn’t that boy pick up any culture when he was in Beijing last year?
He recently signed a huge deal to shill for Mazda–the Mazda 6 to be exact–in China. I rented that very same car last summer, and the piece-of-shit broke down after 20 minutes on an unlit, desolate stretch of New Mexican highway between Albuquerque and Santa Fe, in the middle of the night. For two hours, I waited for a tow, wondering what was going to get me first, the coyotes or the meth freaks. That night, I disowned, repudiated, renounced, and abjured Mazda FOREVER from the category of “Reliable Japanese Cars,” which, you know, I always thought was kinda redundant. I hope the mother ship has enough good sense to do the same.
I’m sorry, DISGRASIAN Mazda owners, but I’m still verrrrrrry bitter.
As you may recall from last week, the poor gal photographed near Michael Phelps at LAX Airport was subsequently called everything under the sun: Phelps’ girlfriend, a “busomy, exotic stranger”, a “stacked stripper”, a “total stranger”, a “stalker”, “some little Asian girl with buoys strapped to her chest“, and of course, “a fug Asian chick” (to name a few).
But let it be known, as declared right here and now (or, more accurately, on TMZ) that this woman refuses to be referred to as:
In her words: “I’m not a ‘ginormous boob skank’, oh my god. Oh my god. I am not a ginormous boob skank.”
And in her friend’s words: “[unfomfortable chuckle] She’s not a skank.”
The funny thing is, we did some homework and can’t seem to find anywhere on TMZ where she was referred to as a ginormous boob skank. And actually, given our extensive research (Google), we aren’t actually certain that anybody of note ever did.
But there you have it folks, it seems like most of the monikers you’ve bestowed upon this fine lady are, indeed, just fine. But “ginormous boob skank”–as the lady says it–is totally fucking off limits.
All of this–the mistasian identity, the objectificasian, the public dismissal–is degrading enough for the poor miss. But the gossip douchtards at I Don’t Like You In That Way took it a step further:
“Michael Phelps is dating an Asian chick, and here he is with some fug Asian chick at LAX earlier this week. Phelps claims this isn’t his girlfriend, and she’s just some stalker, so who knows if it is or not, but I’m mostly concerned with the fact that this thing with the giant implants could even pass for his girlfriend. Phelps has 8 gold medals – he isn’t Wesley Snipes. He should be dating Swedish models or Russian teenagers, not some chick who gives massages and happy endings at a strip mall.”
Listen, I know y’all are about ready to watch me erupt with fury or bust some heads ‘n shit, but I’m not gonna. In my life, I’ve learned a some very important lessons. Here are a select few:
- Never have sex near poison oak (Don’t worry, guys; this one I learned secondhand).
- When a dog is acting out, it most likely needs more exercise.
- When talking shit out with a friend, always say stuff like: “I think” or “I feel” instead of “You are an asswipe jizzface.” (For example, try “Sometimes, because of the fucked up things I feel you do, I think of you as an asswipe jizzface.”)
- Be nice to your parents as soon as they can’t ground you. They deserve it.
- Never get too angry and defensive about what any blogger says, particularly any celebrity blogger. There’s a very low bar and it’s an awfully fast forum–just start your own blog and call them a douche. It’s how we roll!
- Any dude that talks about Asian ladies as somehow sub-par to brainless Baltic models, and only good for happy endings, is likely to have a grey, crooked, tiny, wrinkly dick. And they have definitely never tapped any primo, first-class, top-notch, grade-A Asian pussy. Trust me.
At some point during this recent long holiday weekend, in-between turkey helpings and wine guzzling and coming to the sobering realization that Thanksgiving dinner gives you epically grotesque, gladiator-strength gas, you may have logged onto the interwebz and discovered that Michael Phelps has a new girlfriend, whom he took home this past weekend to meet the fam. Her name is Caroline “Caz” Pal, she hails from Long Beach, and she’s a Vegas cocktail waitress at the Moon nightclub at the Palms. People in the blogosphere have been bitchily calling her Phelps’s “slutty girlfriend”, a “stripper” and a “skank,” and we’re probably expected to pile on like Caz’s girlfriends did to her in this picture taken from a certain “Beverly Hills Pimps and Ho’s” party…
But we’re here to make the case for Caz. Because dating an Olympian has got to do a number on a person’s self-esteem, especially dating one like Phelps, who has more gold medals than Zeus and is, like, the greatest everrrrrrr. Besides, the poor thing had to meet his smother, er, mother Debbie, this weekend, and that must have been harrowing, because you know Mama Phelps is super-protective of her ever-so-talented cub.
And, look, Caz has talents too (get your mind out of the gutter)! If you flip through her modeling portfolio, which was posted on TMZ and Just Jared, you see a woman of diverse interests, an appreciator of the finer things, a polymath after our own hearts. She’s not just a cocktail waitress. She’s…
…a Deaf Signer!
…and an Art Lover!
…a woman with an Inimitably Quirky Sense of Style!
…not to mention, Ambidextrous!
[For those of you wondering what Caz's ethnicity is--we can't say for sure. But based on her surname and Diana's "Jungle Asian Eagle Eye," we'd venture to guess Cambodian.]