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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Jesse James

April 22nd, 2010 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSE JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We bet this one was a HAPPY one!


‘Cuz there’s nothing like being turning 41 to remind you of what really counts in life: knowing that your family is happy and your career in order.

We figured you probably didn’t get many, so we decided to go in together on a couple of birthday presents for ya. They are:

Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Jesse James

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Don’t Call Me Nipper, Winey

June 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I stopped being interested in Amy Winehouse’s famous crackhead antics a long time ago, longer than her bad eyeliner, longer than her nappy hair, longer than Regis Philbin’s seemingly endless career. I find her self-destructive narco-mania, her repulsive crackne, and well-documented downward tornado to be a caustic spectacle–and just totally depressing. I still can’t figure out why nobody has dragged her into rehab or some cozy place with straitjackets, but maybe her manager just tells himself, “Well in the song she just says ‘No, no, no,’ so I suppose there really is no point,” while going to the bank to cash the last of his 10% checks.

I don’t really want to talk about her while she’s in this state. She’s a sick and crazy person, and should deal with the sickness and craziness privately.

In not-so-private matters, News of the World just leaked a video shot by her lovely husband Blake some time ago, in which she and a friend chime in on a little sing-song loaded with racial slurs:

If you can’t bear to look at her emaciated figure for so long, I’ll just grab the best frame for you:

Oh, what a treasure!

Listen, I’m the last person to waste breath or typing energy trying to hold an addict accountable for any of her litany of offenses against humankind.

But I just want Amy to leave us all–y’know, all of us Blacks, Pakis, gooks, nips–the fuck out of her sick, sad world. Maybe if she doesn’t sing about us, we’ll all just wisely stop listening to her.

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Disgrashians

March 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Khloe Kardashian, Bobby Trendy, and Kim Kardashian
at the launch party for Tori Spelling’s new book,
sTori Telling

BOBBY: We are faaaaabulous!

KHLOE: Who are you, again?

BOBBY: Who are you, again?

KHLOE: …

KIM: Bobby, your bony hips are blocking my ass.

BOBBY: Girl, the sun couldn’t cover your ass. Does anybody ever call you Kim Kard-ass-ian?

KIM: Yes.

BOBBY: Oh.

KHLOE: People call me “the fat one!”

BOBBY: Oh.

KHLOE: It’s my fault, though… I should never wear pants like these.

BOBBY: Listen, Chubs, you have nothing to worry about. The one on my left is pushing maximum density here. If her face gets any bigger, her ass is going to start getting mad.

KHLOE: (laughs evilly) You’re BAD!

BOBBY: I AM! (snaps fingers)

KHLOE: That almost makes those icky shoes excusable.

BOBBY: These shoes are FIERCE!

KHLOE: When you say “fierce,” your eyes cross a little.

KIM: (snaps to) Guys, are you talking about something? I was busy trying to remember my middle name.

KHLOE: Did you remember it?

KIM: No. Wait, yes. It’s Kardashian.

KHLOE: No…

KIM: (To Bobby) Augh… thinking is so bad for my skin. I think a lot and stuff, and like, I get this way all the time. It’s like, how am I supposed to remember the difference between left and right? Why do I have to know that the Earth spins around the moon? One night, I was trying to count how many guys have peed on me and I got so frustrated and tired I just fell asleep without Cecilia taking my makeup off.

KHLOE: (To Bobby) She can’t really count above forty.

KIM: Thirty-eight, Thirty-nine… shit! Um. Forty, Sleventy.

BOBBY: Wow. For the very first time in my life, I’m actually not the biggest mess here.

KHLOE: Nope.

KIM: My name begins with a “K!”

BOBBY: Aren’t you guys Asian?

KIM: Kind of!

KHLOE: No.

KIM: Yeah-huh. Kourtney told me were part Asian, technically.

KHLOE: Yeah, but remember when we met that bitchy girl Diana from DISGRASIAN? She pushed her glasses up her nose and told us that we should never call ourselves Asian in public. Then she said a bunch of big words that you didn’t understand, and you asked her if she was talking China-ese.

KIM: Oh, right.

BOBBY: (whispers to self) Oh thank you baby jesus. And thank you, Diana Disgrasian.

KHLOE: Take the picture! We’re starving!

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Oil Devastasian

December 14th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

We learned today that the UN is sending a team of eight environmental experts to figure out the damage from last week’s South Korean oil spill, the worst the nation has ever seen, caused by a leaking Hebei Spirit tanker.

Our hearts go out to the animals, land, and humans that are being affected by this disaster, and we can barely even bear to look at the insane damage:

…but we can’t stop looking–the devastasian seems neverending–and it all really just sucks.

Worst of all, it looks like S. Korea’s lack of preparasian is mostly to blame for the obscene spread of the oil:

“They weren’t prepared enough to control the spread,” Gi Tgan Hyuk, a spokesman for the Korea Federation For Environment Movement, told TIME. The group says the government should have put an oil fence around the tanker immediately to control the slick while rescue teams waited for heavy seas to settle down in order to plug the remaining holes in the tanker’s portside, a job that was completed only some 48 hours after the accident. While the government says it did place barriers around the tanker, environmental groups charge that the vessel wasn’t completely encircled, allowing oil to seep out.

Ugh. All we can say is: SOUTH KOREA, CLEAN UP THIS MESS.

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Hot Disgrhetto Mess

August 10th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

So I finally got around to watching We Got to Do Better, the BET show formally known as Hot Ghetto Mess, which got a title change after a 5,000-name petition went around protesting the show.

Some of the video clips, like the one in the pilot that shows a toothless black man butchering the Star-Spangled Banner, are totally objectionable. It’s Lowest Common Denominat-Humor, laughing at people who are poor, disenfranchised, and possibly mentally ill. The show throws in clips of white people humiliating themselves for “balance,” though that just seems like a panicked network note come to life. “If we make fun of poor white people, then it will all be okay,” is how I imagine that story meeting going.

But there is one notable mess on the show, and that’s Charlie Murphy. He’s stiff and awkward as the host, as though he’s afraid of being at the center of this controversy. Does he remember that brother Eddie picked up a tranny prostitute and still managed to become the star of three children’s movies? He’s also so bug-eyed in the wraparounds that I wonder if a) he has a thyroid problem or b) someone is using really teensy script on the teleprompter to fuck with him.

I can’t help thinking that, if Dave Chappelle hadn’t gone batshit, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Damn it!

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THE INSANITY BAROMETER

June 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

This week, Vanessa Minnillo, formerly of MTV’s TRL, debuted a new line of cosmetics called Flirt. Here she is at the launch party:

I’m Betty Boop!

I’m going to eat you!

I’m going to eat you and fifty hot dogs at the same time!

Oh my god! The mannequin just farted!

Wowzers. Not only has the Insanity Barometer gone up, up, up, it’s shattered into a million pieces, and I’m eating broken glass off of the floor. As I snack on this dee-licious lunch, I thought I would write Va-mess-a a letter.

Dear Va-mess-a,

I am writing today out of concern for your mental health. Forgive me for being forward, but what the hell is wrong with you? I guess I should be happy that, in the above photos, no one’s holding a knife to your throat. Are you experiencing problems in your home life? We at DISGRASIAN are well-aware of how your boy Nick can render a girl batshit-crazy.

We also know of your, um, proclivity for crazyfaces.

I have a theory about why you seem to always take wack pictures. Stop me if you think I’m overthinking this. As a former beauty queen, who had to, no doubt, endure the humiliasian of taping your butt cheeks and putting Vaseline on your teeth to maintain that creepy pageant-smile, perhaps you’re finished with impressing other people with your looks. I respect that. You’re done with the Beauty Myth, the Feminine Mystique, and yada yada, and have moved on to posing with crazyfaces, because you want the world to see the REAL YOU and appreciate you for your mind, your critical faculties, your intelligence–

Wait a second. You’re Vanessa Minnillo. I am overthinking this.

On second thought, you’re nuts.

all the best,
Jen

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