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Here’s a video on “How To Be Asian” by some chick named Nicole. It’s supposed to be funny or something? Apparently it’s an inside joke and part of an ongoing schtick of Nicole’s that involves putting shit on her face to become another race (black, usually) and maybe being self-satirizing about it but also maybe just being lazy and racist.
Taped eyes? Yellowface? Ching chong? Yawn.
The real tip on “How To Be Asian” that’s missing from the vid? If you want to be Asian, rule number one is Don’t Suck. I don’t know if this video was supposed to make me laugh or give me an outrage boner but neither happened. It just kinda hung there like a stale fart waiting to be collected in a glass jar and ushered out of the room so the rest of us could carry on. It was meh, it was mediocre. Mediocrity, of course, is failure, and failure isn’t Asian.
Filed under: Alexandra Wallace, Asians Hate Failure, Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong, Do Better, FAIL, Failure, How To Be Asian, Mediocrity, Racist Videos, Stupid White Chicks, Unfunny Stuff, Viral Videos, Wannabes
Somehow, as if to prove my endurance, I trudged through last night’s criminally dull second episode of Project Runway‘s 6th season. This was mostly to see if there was anyone in the group with enough talent to give a damn about–for their ability, that is, not just their meth addiction or nude caftan design.
Frankly, I held high hopes for Malvin Vien, a cerebral designer that wistfully handles fashion with the free-associative approach of a philosopher or person on shrooms. Sure, his first Runway piece was an exoskeleton-inspired frock for a red carpet, but an ability to commit to an actual concept can sometimes be a good thing. He was worth further investigation.
The challenge in episode two was to design a chic look for pregnant Rebecca Romijn (her twins are now nearly a year old, by the way–a well-known fact that casts a dated feel over the much-delayed production). The safe designers went for draping, the bold designers created short-shorts and unforgiving jumpsuits, and Malvin…
Because that’s exactly the image a woman with leaking boobs, adult acne, swollen hands and feet, constipation, and a 40-pound basketball sitting on her belly wants to conjure up while trying to feel beautiful and chic. Please, somebody tell Malvin, one should know women if they are to design for them. Otherwise, they’ll be the second person to hear “auf Wiedersehen” chirped out of Heidi Klum’s perky little mouth.
I’m not sure what’s worse, though. Malvin’s poor decision-making, or the whole shoddy cast of this bedraggled season of Runway. I’ll have to assess a few more mediocre looks to decide.
“Hello America! I’m Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana. Perhaps you remember me from my awesomely bad Republican response to President Obama’s February 24 speech? I’ve been super busy in my home state lately–in fact, I just passed some cool new legislation, just this week! See, here’s the thing: all of us here around the office, we’d been thinking–there are lots of dummies around these parts, young adults that grow up unable to do hard stuff like add and read, and that makes us, like us-us, look bad. It’s like we have an educational problem or something.
So we solved it! This new legislation will allow kids to get into high school without taking some dumb, difficult standardized tests. And if somebody isn’t “feeling” high school, they can just get on the “career track” program and have easier requirements! They would’ve “slipped through the cracks” anyway, guys!
Phew! So it’s a win-win for all involved–we don’t need to improve the schooling, the students don’t need to improve themselves, and everyone looks better for it. Mediocrity has never tasted so good!”
Filed under: Bobby Jindal, Bobby Jindal Republican Response to Obama Speech, Career Track, Education, High School, Louisiana, Lowering the Bar, Mediocrity, Settling, Standardized Testing, Weird Louisianan Behavior
Amazing Race–or Amazian Race, as I like to now call it–winner Victor Jih enjoyed his first spoils of fame this week by getting stalked by TMZ. Outside one of L.A.’s most notorious temples to sushi- and human-mediocrity, Koi.
Christ, Victor. First Mitt Romney, now Koi? What is it with your love of loser establishments? You really won me over with your impressive command of Mandarin in the last few legs of the race, but really. Buy yourself some taste with your half of the million dollars, for fuck’s sake!
Page Six reported over the weekend that Steve Madden and Kimora Lee Simmons have made a deal for Madden to exclusively manufacture and supply all the shoes, handbags and belts for Simmons’ new Fabulosity line at JCPenney.
I know what you’re thinking… what could be more fabulous than a partnership with the king of trendy shoe knockoffs, available at malls across middle America?
Nothing, I tell you. NOTHING!
PerezHilton.com just reported that Heidi Montag, who will turn 22 this year, joined her douchebag boyfriend Spencer Pratt at the DMV… and finally registered to vote! Wow! We’re so impressed we could justzzZZZzZzZzzzz…
zzzZzzZZzzurpOH! Um. Good… job? Sure, you should have done this four years ago, but who’s counting?
Cavil at Rest singer/guitarist Ryan Hanh–that adorable, curly-mopped chap driving the white car you see above–was a military brat born in the UK, raised in Singapore, and dumped into the ‘burbs of Southern California. Because of his last name, I’d been convinced for time that his kinky ‘fro actually belied his blood heritage–and he was actually through-and-through Vietnamese, like me. I finally asked (he’s not). But, he maintains, he feels Asian. And I realized then that sometimes, that’s all that matters.
Cavil at Rest is your new favorite band. Look at all those dudes–from the top left, Matt, Taylor, Andy, Kelcey, and Ryan–so gosh-darn sweet-faced, so compact, so fashionably v-necked. Through their charged urban-hippie soul rock I pull references from MC5 to The Doobie Brothers to The Rolling Stones to The Potatomen to the southwestern guitarist that played at my friend Dan’s New Mexico wedding. That’s not a bad palette for a band from my coastal South Orange County homeland (which, as Jen will attest to, is a expensively ugly breeding ground for average tastes and mediocre spirits).
Lend an ear here. Enjoy.