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Listen up, monkey-spankers. There’s actually a competition in San Francisco for onanists called the Masturbate-a-thon, but if you want to win the thing, you’re going to have to outlast this guy –>.
His name is Masanobu Sato, he hails from Japan, and he’s currently the World’s #1 Masturbator. Last Saturday at the 9th Annual Masturbate-a-thon, he broke his former world record of 9 hours and 33 minutes and jerked it for a whopping 9 hours and 58 minutes.
I can’t figure out what would possess someone to go for this record, although I suppose it’s good PR for one’s stamina. (It, however, terrifies me.) But perhaps it appeals to other ladies? Or dudes? I don’t know how Masanobu rolls, but it seems that if he can play with himself for that long, he could probably stand to spread the (self-)love to both sexes.
[SF Weekly: "The 9th Annual Masturbate-A-Thon (NSFW)"]
[photo by Lauren Smiley]
Filed under: Jerking Off, Masanobu Sato, Masturbate-a-thon, Masturbation, Masturbators, Number Ones, Onanism, Onanists, Self-Love, Wankers, Weird San Franciscan Behavior, World Champion Masturbator, World Records
If I had known that the two Kill Bill Volumes could be boiled down to exactly one minute, completed in one simple dolly shot, I NEVER would have sat through the achingly long four hours and seven minutes of Tarantino film
masturbation homage. Ever.
Not only could such a thing be done, but it was done, recently. Note the achievement of some students from York University:
Remember the Geisha iPhone app? About which I wrote, “But why stop at geishas? Why not have a stripper app? Or better yet, a lap dance app? Why not have the iPhone also be a dildo? It already vibrates, so you’re halfway there.”
That was before I discovered iGirl, which is being billed on iTunes as “your own virtual girl friend…for less than the price of a cup of coffee or a beer.” You can tickle her, make her dance, and even change her ethnicity! And she’s, ahem, multi-lingual. Plus, as her creators put it, “She Obeys.”
That’s more like it. I mean, sure, they could have taken this idea further or, in the words of one of the customers who reviewed iGirl, “Longer hair and topless would be a good addition.” But this is a promising start toward virtual, convenient, inexpensive iJackingOff! Good job!!!
Okay, so I know reading lists are more of a summer thing, and some of you are back in school and already slaves to your syllabi, but how fun would a DISGRASIAN book club be? We could time our meetings to coincide with our periods, drink magnums of red Burgundy, smoke a jay, ooh and aah over each others’ cute shoes, talk lit-rature, and pretend we’re really smart and well-read (which is kinda like how I got through college, minus the good French wine, because beggars and students with Stafford loans can’t be choosers). To kick this thing off, I’ve drawn up a reading list.
Also covered in this 144-page memoir vibrating with a heretofore unseen honesty this side of James Frey: How to Be a Drive-Bisexual. How to Wear Fake Balloon Tits without Blowing Out Your Back. How to Work That Pole. How to Fake-Cry. How to Dump Your TV Boyfriend/Girlfriend. And: How to Hide That Oozy Herpes Cold Sore.
The Pussycat Dolls recently endorsed this book about past-life regression, and, as we all know, their stamp of approval on all matters of intellectual import is SOLID GOLD. Pussycat Doll founder Robin Antin says, “(Many Lives, Many Masters) is about reincarnation, finding your soul mate, and people who are in your lives for a reason.” Methinks it’s only a matter of time before that makes it as a backcover blurb.
(* Many Lives, Many Masters is not to be confused with Many Lives, Many Masturbators, another Pussycat Doll favorite.)
The Booker Prize shortlist – The White Tiger, The Secret Scripture, Sea of Poppies, The Clothes on Their Backs, The Northern Clemency, and A Fraction of the Whole
I know, I know, you’re thinking, Crap, that’s a whole lotta books. This doesn’t sound fun anymore. Does it help to know that a writer for London’s Daily Telegraph distilled the books down to this:
“Token Asian; Oirish misery novelist; another token Asian; Guardian woman; gay; token Australian wild-card with beard who looks definitely a bit foreign.“
Kinda saves us the trouble of actually reading them, when we’re being told that the books are a bunch of PC garbage-truck, tokenizing drivel (Do two Asians on one shortlist still make them tokens? Just checking).
Cool! That means we can skip the book part of our book club and get down to what really matters–drinking, smoking, and talking about each others’ shoes. Gaw, reading is so fun!