You are currently browsing posts tagged with Masi Oka
In the last week, you may have noticed that NBC’s launched a new marketing slogan in its promos: “More Colorful.”
NBC Entertainment marketing president Adam Stotsky told Variety that “color is what we strive to do in our programming” and the slogan signifies “innovative programming” (like the unabashedly hacky Jay Leno Show, for example).
We think theTVAddict.com has a better take on NBC’s new tagline, however:
Meanwhile, if you still care, the fourth season of Heroes premieres tonight. Now there’s an NBC show with more colorful people!
I bonded with Phil (aka Angry Asian Man) this weekend over the decades we’ve spent crushing on Tamlyn Tomita. For me, Tamlyn is forever Kumiko from Karate Kid II, her film debut, with all of that wispy hair and that worried, downturned, but oh-so-pretty mouth. I’m pretty sure she’s the first Asian girl movie character I ever saw get the boy–albeit a skinny wuss who got his ass beat 12 times across three acts until the last 10 frames of the movie, but whatevs. Tamlyn has a Manchurian Candidate kind of effect on me, wherein I see her lovely face and then I break into an awful rendition of “The Glory of Love” that would most likely get me killed in Borneo.
Last night, Tamlyn had a cameo on the show we love to hate, Heroes, where she played Hiro’s mother, who dies when he’s a young child. And she looked goooooood. So good, in fact, that her playing the wife of George Takei seemed really creepy, as though George’s character had actually robbed the cradle. Tamlyn…what’s your secret, gurl?
Hails from: Seoul, Korea and New York City (from age 10 on)
Why He’s a Babe: Forget Hiro. Season 3 of Heroes is all about Ando, James’s character on the show who’s spent the previous two seasons totally underutilized as Hiro’s sidekick (as played by our favorite fister, Masi Oka). But this season’s premiere suggested that Ando is headed over to the dark side, and, as ladies, we’re genetically programmed to love bad boys. Especially one who murders the relentlessly-annoying, Engrish-spreaking Hiro, while wearing only his skivvies, no less! Okay, we made that last part up (about the underwear, not the murder)…but we can dare to dream.
Mezco Toyz is releasing Heroes action figures this June, and Toys ‘R’ Us is exclusively offering the cheerleader and the wacky Japanese dude who throws his fists up in the air when excited.
“Hilo really have to go. Must get out of Time Square, teleport to future or medieval Japan. Ooooh. Aaaaaaaah. Concentrate, Hilo. Must save world, but first, must find…arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh….eeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh….
Shit. I just clapped my pants.“
Every time I witness Masi Oka on his own turf, performing for the camera on his own volition, a little part of me dies. It’s one thing to clown like an idiot on Heroes, from which, thanks to the strike, we can take a much needed break. It’s quite another to shoot idiotic videos with your actor friends that make you seem even more like a perma-flaccid-dick.
I swear to Bejeezus, if I never hear Kung-Fu fighting again (as an inappropriate score to some clowny Asian dude ruining it for all the rest), it’ll be too soon. But hey, let’s all thank Masi for bringing it back.
Happy 33rd Birthday to DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer Masi Oka! We still can’t believe that after 289,080 minutes of life (we figured the math out in our heads just like you would), you haven’t quite gained the poise and cool to make you, well, very cool at all–but when it’s your birthday we do our best to be nice. So we hope you throw down many a martini tonight…and hang out with your nicest friends… and hit on some hot ladies with a successful outcome. Just cut loose, and try not to make a fool out of yourself, even though that may be difficult.
Was that nice enough?
HAYDEN: Not much. Bummer about the writers’ strike, huh?
HAYDEN: Hey, did you see last night’s episode? Awesome, right?
MASI: Uh, yeah. Except neither of us was in it.
HAYDEN: Well, I was in one shot.
MASI: But you weren’t “in” in it.
HAYDEN: Okay, but you weren’t in it at all.
HAYDEN: Um…how do I put this? You’ve got White Man’s Puff. Asian guys aren’t supposed to get White Man’s Puff. Maybe that’s why you weren’t in last night’s episode.
MASI: Says the midget.
HAYDEN: I am NOT a midget. I am petite, and, sure, I have stumpy legs, but…the politically correct nomenclature is Little Person, anywho.
MASI: Whatever, midget.
HAYDEN: What in the world has gotten into you?
MASI: I’m depressed. The first good Heroezzz episode airs last night, and I’m not even in it. No one liked me being in Japan or with that fug warrior princess. My IMDB STARmeter is plummeting. By the time the strike’s over, this show is gonna tank. And my life will be over. At least there are pervs out there who will still want to see that midget body of yours naked and greased like a pole. You’ll always have that to fall back on.
(takes a long swig of dark-colored liquor)
HAYDEN: How dare you?!? I save dolphins. I cry for them on camera. Scratch that, I weep for them. Just like I weep for you. You fat fuck.
Many of you have read by now that Heroezzzz creator Tim Kring spoke to Entertainment Weekly from the picket line on the first day of the Writers’ Strike Monday (which we support a quick, fair resolution to from the asstard studios, as it has put many friends out of work and made them emotionally needy, not to mention day-drinkers)
to shamelessly promote his show that is soon to be in reruns, in which he apologized to Heroezzzzzzz fans for the show’s Royal Suckage this season. Below, please find a few excerpts from EW’s story, along with our translasians:
HIRO WAS IN JAPAN WAY TOO LONG Hiro’s (Masi Oka) time-bending adventure in 17th-century Japan — where he mentored samurai hero Takezo Kensei (David Anders) — finally came to an end on Nov. 5. But Kring says it ”should have [lasted] three episodes. We didn’t give the audience enough story to justify the time we allotted it.”
TRANSLASIAN: Jen and Diana were right. That whole White Samurai storyline was bullshit, not to mention totally ricist. I am so ashamed. I wish I had the nuts to commit seppuku.
YOUNG LOVE STINKS Kring regrets sticking Claire (Hayden Panettiere) with a super-dud boyfriend and forcing Hiro to moon over a cutesy princess. ”I’ve seen more convincing romances on TV,” he admits. ”In retrospect, I don’t think romance is a natural fit for us.”
TRANSLASIAN: Claire’s boyfriend was convincing as a high-schooler 8 years ago in Election, when he played the kid who ratted out Matthew Broderick. This season, he just seemed like a perv with a “power” who liked underage midget girls.
And Masi Oka’s Hiro is a doughy mess. He and the princess had about as much chemistry as me before I pop a Cialis and a cheap hooker with genital warts. Please, Jen and Diana, stop hatin’ on me. It’s true, I was cockblocked by a cute Asian chick/dude at a bar once and I have a thing against your people. I am currently working that out in group therapy. Forgive me.
We recently read that Masi Oka was named ambASSador to a non-profit called OLPC. Before we learned more about OLPC, we could only imagine what the organization’s purpose was.
A support group for men who speak like castratos? Or Asians who speakee the Engrish?
Then we discovered that OLPC stands for One Laptop per Child. OLPC seeks to provide low-cost personal computers (for around $100) to children in developing nations. And why did they hire Masi as their ambASSador?
Dude just looks so hot caressing a computer.
**A note from Diana’s fictional, yet very handsome twin brother**
Hi. I’m so glad to finally be writing to you. My sister talks about you all the time, but most of the time I’m zoned out because it sounds mostly like, “blah blah this is ricist” and “blah blah blah why isn’t anyone covering Roethlisberger so that he can fucking pass the ball” or “blah blah blah Lagerfeld is obsessed with young hacks.” She’s incredibly cool and brilliant and has that hot friend Jen and everything, but sometimes I can’t deal.
I don’t watch much TV, and I definitely don’t watch the show you’re on. But after seeing the video above, I’m already convinced that I don’t like or respect you.
I think you might be the most famous Asian TV actor today–it’s incredible that I’ve even heard of you, as I tend to spend most of my days focused on my race for the X-Prize or cuddled up with some Goyard, and my nights trying to make a dent in the list of Michelin-rated restaurants near my loft. Your sudden skyrocketing into the limelight seems fantastic, and it’s always nice to see an Asian person on a magazine cover or on the screen.
Diana mentioned something about your character being a “doughy, Engrish-speaking, childish, dickless clown” the other day. She also said something about “fisting.” I don’t really know what that means, but… anyway, I just don’t really know what that means. I assume, though, that your character must be incredibly banal, and dare I say it–laden with tried-and-true Asian male stereotypes? How unfortunate.
What is guiding my opinion of you, however, is your behavior in this video. This is you being you, behind the scenes in hair and makeup. And while you’re acting as yourself, you are indeed performing; moreover, you’re clowning. You’re going off-the-cuff as a weeping, weak, babyish, unfunny mess. Am I wrong, or did that fellow from Felicity just ask you if your sobs were “Japanese for…”
…For what? Insecurity?
Masi, if Asians in the media don’t take themselves seriously, nobody will. Lacking a punchline and constantly deflating yourself as a male is simply inexcusable. You can’t possibly, truly be like that ridiculous blubbering disaster, can you?
I for one, am an Asian man, that never reverts to clowning for attention. Sure, I was both an academe and an athlete. Yes, I’m incredibly successful. Okay, I’ve gotten laid more times than I’ve brushed my teeth. Fine, I’m handsome, and I’m strong, and I’m cool. I understand that that probably makes things easier for me.
But Masi, please, just try and make it easier for our other brothers, y’know? Not all of them are like me. They need a little help. And they’re looking to you for inspiration. They’re hoping that you set a standard of manhood that is respectable to make their daily lives just a little easier.
Don’t make the punchline you. Or else somebody is going to want to punch you, and I wouldn’t put it past my sis to be that somebody.
Cheers, bro. Good luck.
Seamus “Diana’s Twin” [Last name redacted]
MARCUS: Hey Martha. Did you sign off on those shooters?
MARTHA: (Yawns) I donno. I forgot. Can I do it later?
MARCUS: Totally. What time is it?
MARTHA: 9:30am. Wanna go get baked? And then get some Bloody Mary’s?
MARCUS: Totally. Let’s hit the Saddle Ranch!
[They exit, get into Marcus' BMW, and head to the Sunset Blvd. location of the Saddle Ranch. Five hours later, they return.]
MARTHA: I can’t believe you rode that bull!
MARCUS: It was easy. I’ve done it before.
MARTHA: So… we really need to talk some more about how we’re gonna make this show the bestest Emmys ever!
MARCUS: Yeah! It’s our chance to shine! So here’s what I’m thinking. The host– Ryan Seacrest. We’ll set up the audience in a circle around the stage. It’ll be like, you know, circular. It’ll be kind of like that terrible Dane Cook HBO special, but funny! It’ll remind you of everything you love about television, like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! It’s egalitarian, it’s fresh, it’s new, it’s Emmy!
MARTHA: I’m down!
[They high-five. Martha writes down on a legal pad: "Circle, Seacrest, Millionaire."
MARCUS: I guess we're done working for the day.
[They leave. Later that evening, Marcus receives a frantic cell phone call from Martha.]
MARTHA: Dude! We totally forgot about how our product integration segment. We haven’t talked about how to approach that.
MARCUS: Right – we need to talk about the digital age. We still haven’t figured out who’s going to present the award for Creative Achievement in Interactive Television. Should we get, y’know, Andy Samberg or some other TV star–whose career has really been brought to life by Interactive television– broadcast himself on a YouTube style screen for the introduction? That would be edgy and fresh.
MARTHA: I like it… but I don’t love it. I feel like there’s something a little less… obvious. A little more… au courant.
MARCUS: Like what?
MARTHA: Oh! Oh! I’ve got it! Why don’t we get that funny Asian dude who’s always talking funny and pumping his fist in the air and talking about technology on Heroes to present it!
MARCUS: And he can sit behind a geeky computer! And he can wear glasses! And he can talk like a techno robot! Haha ha ha ha ha! Ohmygod I’m like, crying. This is so fucking funny.
MARTHA: What does he really have to do with Interactive Television, though, really? Does he know how to use a computer?
MARCUS: Who cares?
MARCUS: Get Masi Oka on the phone! He’s comedy gold!
Photo Source: WireImage
* = Not the actual producers
** = Not actual names (obviously)
Filed under: Circular Stages Make me Nauseous, Dane Cook, Masi Oka, Never Resisting a Chance to Exploit Yourself As A Stereotype, Product Placement, The Emmys Are Bullshit, Who Wants to Be a Millionare Besides Me?
“Jen and Diana, stop trying to change me. I am what I am. And I am addicted to fisting. Lookey here, I got Grunberg to do it. And I got that big Japanese dude to do it, too. Japanese people love fisting. Okay, maybe that Japanese chick with the mic isn’t so into fisting, but will you look at Ali Larter watching me fist? Duuuuuuuuude, she is so into fisting, she wanted to do it right there at the press conference while wearing that fancy bedskirt! Let’s face it, girls, fisting’s the thing. End of story.”