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All good things must come to an end, and so my guest stint on the Yo, Is This Racist? podcast with my new BFF Andrew Ti has reached its conclusion. Did we save the best for last? You be the judge:
The post I refer to in the podcast, the one where my Hardass Asian Mom and I (sorta) live-blogged The Karate Kid remake, can be found here. It’s probably one of the most popular posts I’ve ever written for the site–due entirely to the hilarity of the HAMeo (Hardass Asian Mom’s cameo)–so if you’re not familiar with it, check it out.
And if you want more Yo, Is This Racist?, subscribe to the podcast, read the site, read Andrew’s other equally hilarious site, Yo, Should I Dump This Asshole?, like Yo, Is This Racist? on Facebook, follow it on Twitter, but no matter how much you love his flow, please please do not hug Andrew on the street, yo.
Filed under: Andrew Ti, Evil Dead, Jackie Chan, Jaden Smith, Kung Fu Fighting, Kung Fu Movie Genre, Kung Fu Movies, Martial Arts, Racism Questions, Racist Stuff, Silat, Stabbing People, The Karate Kid, The Karate Kid Remake, The Raid, Yo Is This Racist?, Yo Should I Dump This Asshole
Happy birthday to Chuck Norris, who turned 70 this week!
We’re not sure how someone who actually knew the late great Bruce Lee and came into contact with his philosophical deepness could become such an anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-science, fearmongering toolbag…
…but no one’s perfect, right Chuck?
From the Top 50 Chuck Norris Facts:
When you say “no one’s perfect,” Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Filed under: Black Belts, Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris Abortion, Chuck Norris Evolution, Chuck Norris Facts, Chuck Norris Gay Marriage, Conservatards, Karate, Martial Artists, Martial Arts, Tae Kwon Do, Tang Soo Do, Way of the Dragon
Kung Fu (1972-1975) centered around Carradine’s justice-seeking character, Kwai Chang Caine, aka “Grasshopper,” a half-white, half-Chinese orphan raised by Shaolin monks. During that time–and long after in syndication–Carradine seemed to be the only Asian star on TV. That’s no joke. It was a joke, of course, that Carradine was white, but his character was kinda all Asian people had to root for, for a while.
Carradine, who had no knowledge of martial arts before the show, became a lifelong practitioner of Tai Chi and Qi Gong.
This week, the UK’s Metro featured this photo of Wang Xiaoyu, a barber from Changsha, in China’s Hunan Province. A nearly two-decade veteran of martial arts training, Wang is apparently attempting to attract more customers by doing haircuts while in a headstand.
Err… we don’t exactly see the allure, but maybe he gives a helluva bang trim.
Happy 33rd birthday to martial arts star Tony Jaa! You make us pray for all men to have such fine focus and physique. Until that happens, you’ll have to just be fine enough for everybody.
May you indulge in something undisciplined and fun today, and continue to kick ass all year!
Dear Fuck God,
First of all, let me thank you for all of my wonderful gifts. Thank you for my luscious weave, my bodacious fake tits, and my wonderful husband. Thank you for convincing my mother to give me the space that I need, mostly ‘cuz I feel she is a stupid and dumb, fat bitch anyway.
Next, I would like to say sorry for a couple of things. I am sorry that I voted for John McCain. I am sorry that I brought shame to the House of Chanel. I am sorry that I tried to bring shorts back into style.
Finally, I would like to ask for forgiveness. I would like to apologize for all of Spence’s and my staged photo-shoots, particularly the most recent one in which Spencer and I pretended to get martial arts training. Listen, I know they’re really annoying. I know we look ridiculous, but here’s the thing–I feel like we’ve basically signed our souls away to the Fuck Devil. Fuck God, at this point, unless I want to just bow out of life completely, I’ve got no choice but to keep up this douchery. So I’m sorry, so sorry, and wish that instead of pretending to fight in these last photos, Spence and I were actually, truly beating the shit out of each other, perhaps to the death, so that we could put each other out of our misery and make the world a happier, better place.
Anyway, gotta go. We’ve got a rezzie at the Ivy for “lunch.”
Filed under: Apologies, Chanel, Disappointing Your Parents, Douchebags, Fake Tits, Famous-For-Nothings, Heidi Montag, John McCain, Martial Arts, Prayer Hands, Shameless Photo Ops, Spencer Pratt, The Fuck God
Y’know, if Oprah had been searching for “America’s Smartest and Most Talented Kids” when Jen and I were younger, we would’ve had that shit in the BAG!
Instead, she waited. She waited until 2008. I have to say, I’m confused–if I wanted to find America’s smartest kid, I’d just call up the United Federation of Teachers and say, “Give me your Asians!” and then just pick the cutest one with the sharpest bowl cut, and call it a day.
Let me just tell you, Best Week Ever just pulled a clip of one of Oprah’s “smartest,” and I can already see that this search is a terrible idea. The results ain’t lookin’ too pretty.
Agh, people… PEOPLE! I can already envision your angry emails: “He’s just a kid, you ornery bitch! Leave him alone!” and “Learning physical discipline takes a lot of smarts!” and “White kids doing martial arts are rad!”
Yeah, yeah. Whatevs.
Listen. I can spot a future Steven Seagal when I see one. Are you ready for another, Oprah fans? ARE YOU?
Dear Wesley Snipes,
Dude. We get it.
You famously lobbied for an Asian actress (Ming-Na) to play your wife in One Night Stand, then life imitated art and you married Korean painter Nikki Park, and you’ve earned a million colored belts in multiple martial-arts disciplines.
Alright already. You love us. You really love us. Apparently you spend so much time in your wife’s native Korea that you consider it your second home (we just hope you’re paying your taxes there unlike, uh, nevermind). But please don’t take your outsized love for our peeps and cultures to this level, it’s really beneath you:
You do understand that you’re going to trial for fraud, right Wesley?
that bracelet gives me hives,
When you look at the photo of Michelle Yeoh below, taken at an event last night in Paris, bear in mind that homegirl is 45 YEARS OLD.
Occupation: Actor, Model, Stuntman
Why he rules: He’s purty, he’s been practicing martial arts longer than he’s been walking, you’ve probably seen him doing scary and death-defying things on some screen somewhere, Diana saw him climbing up freeway overpasses yesterday as if he were elevated by wings (and thoroughly enjoyed it), he could whoop you if necessary–but might be too nice to do it.
Costumed in police attire this week, “martial arts star” Jackie Chan announced that he will star in a new recruitment campaign for the LAPD.
At the press conference he added, “I’m the police ambassador in Taiwan, Japan, Hong Kong, China, everywhere.”
Jackie, in the mid-seventies, when every single one of my siblings, relatives, and immigrant Vietnamese friends crossed over the Pacific to become war refugees in the United States, shit was BAD. Every kid on the block–regardless of class or color–wanted to kick some little Charlie ass. And in the face of danger, only one thing stood between every single Vietnamese Kid and about 300 knuckle sandwiches. Do you know what that thing was?
All you had to say was that you knew Bruce Lee, and by golly, Fat Tommy or Billy the Killer would for some reason believe you and leave you alive for another day.
Bruce Lee had the grace of a gazelle, the fire of a dragon, the soul of a Buddha. He only laughed after he’d ripped your heart out with his left hand. Bruce Lee was a fearsome, wonderful hero and everybody knew it. Bruce Lee was an ambassador.
You, however, refuse to practice kickflips without slapping an embarassingly dippy grin across your face. You allow Chris Tucker to make YOU look like the babbling idiot in those Rush Hour movies, and oh, you’ve somehow managed to aid Brett Ratner in becoming one of the most successful “directors” in Hollywood.
Please, please omit “everywhere” from your list of destinations as Ambassador of anything. I don’t think I can defend myself against Fat Tommy yet.