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Jen has, for a long while now, been mildly disturbed by my fascination with Martha Stewart. Admittedly, it’s a bit extensive: I’ve got multi-year subscriptions to her Living and Everyday Food magazines, quietly read The Daily Wag (her french bulldogs’ blog) daily, and once tried to steal my friend Michael’s ex-girlfriend’s dog (named… drum roll… Martha Stewart). Oh, and then there’s the recent foray into Ball canning jars and seasonal pickling, the frowny face I make when looking at sad flowers in an unbalanced vase, my fondness and collection of coasters. God, I love coasters. I love Martha, man. She scares me and I love it (Funnily enough, the same can also be said of my eternal ladycrush, Jen).
Naturally, when excerpts from Whateverland: Learning to Live Here–a humorous memoir co-written by Martha’s daughter Alexis–began making waves all over the webz yesterday, I had to take a look. The selection of Alexis’s comments about mama Martha were referred to as “embarrassing” and “scathing” by assorted media outlets. But perhaps you, like me, found them bizarrely comforting and familiar. Like me, you may have wondered what all the fuss was about. Like me, you may have thought, “DEAR GOD. NO WONDER I LOVE THIS BEAST! MARTHA STEWART IS TOTALLY A HARDASS ASIAN MAMA!”
The stiff bob. The forced smile. Sure, she drinks gin with every meal and okay, she doesn’t wrap up leftovers in a used plastic grocery bag, but I’m telling you. She’s just like Mom! Here’s proof, based on Alexis’s pull quotes:
‘Martha does everything better! You can’t win!’
I mean, ’nuff said. Should I even continue? Should I EVEN CONTINUE?
Since I’ve already shown my hand today by admitting an unshakable love for all things SJP and Sex and the City, I figure I might as well go all out and divulge my intimate relationship with another female icon: Martha Stewart.
Let me be clear. Martha as a woman kinda scares me. I would never fuck with her. Never ever ever. I also recall seeing a commercial once for her home products–it featured her jolly-like in a bathtub filled with only her body and water and bubbles. That was horrible.
But what about her love of colored tumblers? I share that. And her fondness for in-season vegetables from local markets? That’s me, too. The modern foliage modernizing her uppity East coast homes? Oh yes. Her inclination towards powder blue and sea foam wall paint? I concur! Her love of cocktails? I share that as well. Her adorable dog babies? I couldn’t love those frenchies and the new chow pup more!
One thing I have learned from many moons of reading her monthly opus, Martha Stewart Living: Ol’ Martha and I love all the same shit.
And ever since plowing through a highly amusing piece about the Living craft staff in David Rakoff’s most recent book of essays, Don’t Get Too Comfortable, I can’t help but fantasize about what the people that actually live inside the pages of my beloved magazine are like. Martha’s army. They must be a rare and special sort—for crying out loud, they deal with MARTHA. THE MARTHA. EVERY DAY. And they satisfy her sea foam dreams! They press her vegetable-print notecards! They sew her seersucker summer napkins! She trusts them with her photographs: close-ups on tropical ferns in unexpected country locales, beauty shots of crusty bread, multiple varieties of ranunculus, collectible absinthe saucers! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Have y’all checked out Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle blogzzZZzzzZzz, GOOP? Y’know, a Paltrow P.O.V. guide to dressing appropriately, eating well, rocking hip tunes, throwing wonderful dinner parties, and having dear friends with cool jobs (like chefs and directors).
It’s awful. So awful. And hey, this is coming from a die-hard subscriber to Martha Stewart Living (seriously… it’s so good), yoga addict, shoe fiend–a person, one could argue, that should be having joyous convulsions over such a site right this very minute.
But GOOP is gross–as smug as the actress herself, and perhaps even less interesting. Whether she’s touting a pedestrian list of party songs or listing kid-friendly restaurants like, uh, Chicago’s NoMI (where I almost had a very ugly incident with glass sculpture once), it’s really a blasé bunch of scribblings that not-so-subtly nods to the wonderful life that Paltrow leads–the fabulous friends, so-very-down-to-earth perspective, glamorous day job, eloquent vocabulary…zzZZZzZzzzzZz. It’s inaccessible, really, and not particularly insightful.
Still, she underscores the site’s presence with the logline: “nourish the inner aspect,” a Hindu phrase that recently came under public criticism via religious scholar Rajan Zed.
From Contact Music:
U.S. Hindu leader Rajan Zed suggests the movie star should take the trouble to learn more about the ancient religion before using taglines like “nourish the inner aspect” on her website. Zed fears Paltrow is leading impressionable minds astray by suggesting her weekly musings are deep and philosophical – and then just writing about material, “external” matters.
He says, “There are not many deep, spiritual and philosophical thoughts in the blog, which are an essential part of nourishing the inner self.
“The actress needs to grow-up and stop writing about mundane topics like ‘Boots by Gucci’, ‘Banana Pancakes’, ‘The Hungry Cat’ and ‘Tweezerman’ – in which she talks about taming the unruly eyebrows of men.”
Hunh. We couldn’t have said it better ourselves! Oh wait, yes we could:
The actress needs to just stop writing.
Filed under: Annoying Things Celebrities Do, GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hateful People, Hinduism, Lifestyle Blogs, Martha Stewart, Nourish the Inner Aspect, Rajan Zed, Religious Scholars, Tweezerman, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
I’ve never really been a fan of Paris Hilton, but not for the obvious reasons. One time, while I was standing in line at the creepy Rite Aid near my house that Danny Bonaduce and Courtney Love frequent, Paris elbowed me out of the way so that she could thumb through the tabloids and find pictures of herself. The only other time I’ve been elbowed out of the way by a celebutard was when Martha Stewart cut the women’s bathroom line–which stretched for many sequined miles–in front of me at an awards show. Is it weird that both of these women went to jail?
Bad manners may not be jailworthy, but they are appalling. And Paris’ were once again on display during her recent romp through Asia. It was reported that, while in Japan, Paris hit Daikokuya, a high-end consignment chain. The store clerk working at the time said:
“She bought 28 items, apparently taking a fancy to bags from Louis Vuitton and Chanel, but also picking up accessories like earrings.”
The bill came to 1.8 million yen, about $16,000 US. Through an interpreter, Paris asked for a 5% discount. The clerk agreed, but then asked for an autograph. Paris said she’d give the signature up for another 5% discount. The clerk said she couldn’t do that, but the store ended up giving Paris 10% off anyway, even though haggling is just not done in Japanese retail stores.
What a cheap whore! Li-trally!