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Jen has, for a long while now, been mildly disturbed by my fascination with Martha Stewart. Admittedly, it’s a bit extensive: I’ve got multi-year subscriptions to her Living and Everyday Food magazines, quietly read The Daily Wag (her french bulldogs’ blog) daily, and once tried to steal my friend Michael’s ex-girlfriend’s dog (named… drum roll… Martha Stewart). Oh, and then there’s the recent foray into Ball canning jars and seasonal pickling, the frowny face I make when looking at sad flowers in an unbalanced vase, my fondness and collection of coasters. God, I love coasters. I love Martha, man. She scares me and I love it (Funnily enough, the same can also be said of my eternal ladycrush, Jen).
Naturally, when excerpts from Whateverland: Learning to Live Here–a humorous memoir co-written by Martha’s daughter Alexis–began making waves all over the webz yesterday, I had to take a look. The selection of Alexis’s comments about mama Martha were referred to as “embarrassing” and “scathing” by assorted media outlets. But perhaps you, like me, found them bizarrely comforting and familiar. Like me, you may have wondered what all the fuss was about. Like me, you may have thought, “DEAR GOD. NO WONDER I LOVE THIS BEAST! MARTHA STEWART IS TOTALLY A HARDASS ASIAN MAMA!”
The stiff bob. The forced smile. Sure, she drinks gin with every meal and okay, she doesn’t wrap up leftovers in a used plastic grocery bag, but I’m telling you. She’s just like Mom! Here’s proof, based on Alexis’s pull quotes:
‘Martha does everything better! You can’t win!’
I mean, ’nuff said. Should I even continue? Should I EVEN CONTINUE?
Like I mentioned last week, I don’t know a lot about soccer–but I dig the aggro gentleman’s sport (and the gentlemen that play it) and I truly respect that it’s The World’s Game. So this weekend, when I wasn’t reading the July 2010 issue of Martha Stewart Living (it has such cute pies on the cover!), or happily booing Ron Artest at the free throw line, I was watching solid hours of sweet-ass international soccer.
Here’s what a learned:
a) Sucks to be Robert Green.
b) No, seriously. It sucks.
c) Japan fans rule.
Continue reading What I Learned From A Weekend Of Watching World Cup Soccer
Filed under: Aggro Guys, Asian Guilt, Asians Aren't Lazy, Awesome Japanese Behavior, England Vs. United States Tie World Cup Game, Gentleman's Sports, Germany Vs. Australia 4-0, Germany World Cup Soccer, LA Lakers, Laker Hate, Laziness Is So Not Asian, Martha Stewart Living, Productive Ways To Spend The Weekend, Robert Green, Ron Artest, Soccer, Soccer Players, Soccer Players Are So Hot, World Cup, World Cup Soccer
Since I’ve already shown my hand today by admitting an unshakable love for all things SJP and Sex and the City, I figure I might as well go all out and divulge my intimate relationship with another female icon: Martha Stewart.
Let me be clear. Martha as a woman kinda scares me. I would never fuck with her. Never ever ever. I also recall seeing a commercial once for her home products–it featured her jolly-like in a bathtub filled with only her body and water and bubbles. That was horrible.
But what about her love of colored tumblers? I share that. And her fondness for in-season vegetables from local markets? That’s me, too. The modern foliage modernizing her uppity East coast homes? Oh yes. Her inclination towards powder blue and sea foam wall paint? I concur! Her love of cocktails? I share that as well. Her adorable dog babies? I couldn’t love those frenchies and the new chow pup more!
One thing I have learned from many moons of reading her monthly opus, Martha Stewart Living: Ol’ Martha and I love all the same shit.
And ever since plowing through a highly amusing piece about the Living craft staff in David Rakoff’s most recent book of essays, Don’t Get Too Comfortable, I can’t help but fantasize about what the people that actually live inside the pages of my beloved magazine are like. Martha’s army. They must be a rare and special sort—for crying out loud, they deal with MARTHA. THE MARTHA. EVERY DAY. And they satisfy her sea foam dreams! They press her vegetable-print notecards! They sew her seersucker summer napkins! She trusts them with her photographs: close-ups on tropical ferns in unexpected country locales, beauty shots of crusty bread, multiple varieties of ranunculus, collectible absinthe saucers! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?