DISGRASIAN™

LUCY: Wait–dammit. They’re taking a picture? Everyone will think I know you people.

NICOLE: You know us. Remember that one night we stayed up doing tequila shots, talking shit about Rachel Zoe?

MARISA: I know Rachel Zoe.

LUCY: No you don’t.

MARISA: Yes I do! I think I met her right after I won [dips head and deepens voice in seriousness] my Oscar.

NICOLE: Wow! You won an Oscar? Wow. That’s really hot. I didn’t know that.

MARISA: Everybody knows that. Didn’t you see My Cousin Vinny?

NICOLE: That’s the movie with the bad guy from Home Alone, right? I think I saw that on TBS the other day.

MARISA: Ahem. I won the Academy Award for my role as [pauses] Mona Lisa Vito. For [raises eyebrows] Best Supporting Actress.

LUCY: [rolls eyes] Uh huh.

NICOLE: Rad. When was that, or whatever?

MARISA: Feels like yesterday. Maybe it was 2000 or 2001.

LUCY: [snorts] It was 1992.

MARISA: [snaps] In 1992, you were still doing bit parts on TV dramas.

LUCY: At least people don’t speculate as to whether or not my getting those bit parts was an accident, you old hag.

MARISA: (miffed) I WON FAIR AND SQUARE.

NICOLE: Who did you wear?

MARISA: [to Lucy] You’re a real bitch, you know that?

LUCY: Yes. That’s why I play one so often in movies and TV shows.

NICOLE: God, I need to get back on TV again. I hate being at home and remembering that I procreated with a Madden twin. I hate all this baby holding bullshit. I hate having tits.

LUCY: Love those bubs while you can, Nic–they’re going to be all deflated and saggy when you get to be like ol’ grandma over here.

MARISA: I AM NOT A GRANDMA!

LUCY: Really? Then why are you borrowing my grandma’s look?

NICOLE: Oh, shit!

MARISA: I’ll kill you!

LUCY: Don’t even start. I’ll cut you.

MARISA: [whimpers]

NICOLE: Wow. Are you guys, like, acting?

LUCY: Somebody take this goddamn picture before I cut somebody else.