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"Ladies" Who Lunch

April 2nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Tila Tequila and Meghan McCain finish lunch
at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont, March 28

MEGHAN: I’m really glad we did this, Tila.

TILA: Me too! Thanks for buying lunch.

MEGHAN: Well, you said you couldn’t find your wallet.

TILA: Oh! Um, yeah!

MEGHAN: Um, you’re welcome.

TILA: You have a lot of dough though, right? I mean your mom’s totally loaded.

MEGHAN: Well I don’t really like to talk about money.

TILA: Oh. Why?

MEGHAN: I’ve always heard it’s kinda tacky. Kinda like talking smack about your dad’s first family when they’re not around to defend themselves. Not like my mom does that or anything.

TILA: Hunh.

MEGHAN: Hunh.

TILA: Hey, did you buy your boobs?

MEGHAN: Excuse me?

TILA: God, you must have bought really expensive ones. They’re so real, it completely looks like it’s all real fat in there.

MEGHAN: Er, yeah, my breasts are real.

TILA: Oh my gaw! Praise the lawd Jesus! I love ‘em! You’ve got awesome tits, girl.

MEGHAN: Thank you. Everybody loves my boobs.

TILA: I just want to stuff my face in them and then make out with your thighs for my vlog. And then take you home to meet my parents.

MEGHAN: I, uh, okay.

TILA: And gaw, I’m like, just so glad we hooked up on Twitter! Ha… you can actually say “I hooked up with Tila Tequila… on Twitter.”

MEGHAN: Yeah… I… could?

TILA: It’s just that when I found that you like, fully looked up to me, I just sooooo wanted to like, reach out, like to a little sis or an um, like, rabid fan, or whatever. I can’t believe you’re my rabid fan! I love that!

MEGHAN: Oh girl, I love you. But I don’t know if you could call me a “rabid fan,” per se. It’s not really like that. I just think it’s cool that you–

TILA: Make out with chicks.

MEGHAN: Well, not–

TILA: Have beautiful, big tits.

MEGHAN: I mean–

TILA: Hate the gooks.

MEGHAN: You–wait, what?

TILA: You wanna “If You Seek Amy!” Girrrrl!!!

MEGHAN: Um, Tila, I think I might just going through a rebellious stage. I hate my parents. My mom’s a robot.

TILA: Mine too!

MEGHAN: That’s awesome.

TILA: I know. So annnyways, when I realized we were going to lunch, I was like, we’re gonna dress all ladylike, right? So I’m gonna wear a little black dress and my classiest stilettos! And then I was all like, ohmigosh. Pearl necklace. I’ve gotta wear a pearl necklace!

MEGHAN: Are those… pearls?

TILA: Well, I mean, kinda! Anyway, pearl necklaces are like my favorite thing. If you know what I mean! [snorts]

MEGHAN: Yes, I think I do. Hey, not to get or technical or anything, but I think those balls on your necklace are more accurately meant to appear “pearl-like.”

TILA: [suddenly emotional] Girl, don’t hate.

MEGHAN: What??

TILA: Are you being a hater?

MEGHAN: I… I’m sorry, what?

TILA: I have suffered so much hardship in my life already. And when you’re on top [snorts], people just want to take you down. They wanna be haters! And I say, fuck the haters!

MEGHAN: Tila, I’m not… I’m not hating.

TILA: Fuck the haters! Don’t be a hater! Don’t breaka my stride, girl! Don’t hate!

MEGHAN: I just spent two-hundred bucks on lunch. Why would I hate?

TILA: Girl, don’t talk about money. That’s just tacky.

MEGHAN: I just told you that!

TILA: Bitch, please! [whips out Blackberry]

MEGHAN: What are you doing?

TILA: I’m tweeting this.

MEGHAN: Oh my fucking God. You’re like a goddamn Twitter addict!

TILA: Yeah, I twitter a lot, ho! Right now I’m saying that you’re a cunty, money-grubbing, hater bitch. Should show up on your phone in a second. Oh, and now I’m saying that you take the Lord’s name in vain.

MEGHAN: Oh my god, you’re a full-on psycho.

TILA: Right now I’m tweeting that you’re a full-on psycho.

MEGHAN: I hate you.

TILA: I didn’t vote for your dad.

MEGHAN: Who cares? Neither did I!

TILA: I’m tweeting that.

MEGHAN: AUGHHHHHHH! [exits]

[Us Magazine: Meghan McCain Goes to Lunch With MTV's Tila Tequila]

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Baby, You’re Worth It

February 27th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Ladies…


Remember. It’s not about whether or not you can afford to buy anything at Chanel [purrs].

What’s important is if, after glancing at a paparazzi photo of you with your ass-cheek-baring, Wet Seal denim shorts, cheap blue contacts, dirty knee boots, and just-bought treasures in hand, Intern Jasmine wonders innocently:

“[Maybe she's] like my mom, who saves shopping bags from fancy department stores and then reuses them to carry her lunch around.”

In which case… we’re looking at a great-looking lunch.

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Liquor? We Don’t Even Know ‘Er…

December 28th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Jen and I have spent countless hours writing together at DISGRASIAN HQ, and boy can it be tough. It takes a lot to get us through the intense zeitgeist filtration–many therapy seshes are clocked in, lots of vices indulged, handfuls of anti-anxiety and performance enhancing (we feel you, MLB) pills popped. But the thing that really gets us through it all is afternoon booze. Where the hell would we be without the three-martini lunch? Okay, it’s not always martinis. We go through Bloody Mary phases, and mmm do we love Armagnac, and rose wine when it’s seasonal, and it’s always time for scotch. Always.

The point is, afternoon liquor is a savior, kind of like sweet Baby Jesus on a bad day. The ladies of DISGRASIAN simply encourage the drinking lunch. We can’t imagine getting through the day without it (we may as well have grown up in Connecticut!) and hope that no one ever has to.

Yes, technically that makes us alcoholics. Oh go blow yourself if you’re judging us. We’ve written some fucking funny stuff through the inebriasian.

So when we heard about the Chinese liquor ban in the city of Xinyang in Henan province, that essentially prohibits public servants and Communist Party officials from taking their 3-bev lunches, we almost pyyyuuuked. And when we found out that Chinese liquor firms, some of whom have lost a third of their sales due to the ban, were fighting this bullshizz… well, we immediately know whose team we were on. Public servants and Communist Party officials deserve a break today, y’know?

Fight on, Boozers! We’re with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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