DISGRASIAN™

Threesomes And Pageants Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

By now, you’ve likely heard about the just-leaked threesome sex tape (WARNING: previous link extremely, extremely NSFW) featuring Miss Trinidad & Tobago (Anya Ayoung-Chee), her boyfriend Wyatt Gallery, and a close friend that is NOT, as previously alleged, Miss Japan.

Missing from this screen grab: Ponytail guy

The video was snatched when Gallery dropped off his laptop for repair at a Trinidad computer shop, and quickly made waves this week throughout the Internet pervosphere.

I won’t lie. I watched the video twice–even though I knew it was wrong, fueled by my disappointment in Carmen Electra’s newly-”leaked” sex tape, which was a bra-filled snoozefest. And I must say, that Miss Trinidad knows how to party!

Seriously, though… what did Wyatt Gallery ever do to deserve such an incredible stroke of luck (the threesome, not the leak)??? Perhaps he frequently helps little old ladies across the street. With his penis.

[TMZ: Miss Universe Contestants In Three-Way Sex Tape]

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Filed under: Anya Ayoung-Chee, Beauty Pageants, Guilty Pleasures, Laptops, Leaked Tapes, Luck Be Two Ladies Tonight, Lucky Bastards, Miss Japan, Miss T&T, Miss Trinidad & Tobago, Miss Universe, Miss Universe Contestants Nude, Miss Universe Japan, Mistasian Identity, NSFW, Scandals, Sex, Sex Scandals, Sex Tapes, So So Wrong, Three-ways, Threesomes, Trinidad, Whoopsieeee

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Sun Yue, Luckiest Mofo Evar

Congrats to the Lakers on winning their 15th championship Sunday night!!! Most especially to shooting guard Sun Yue, aka the Luckiest Mofo Evar, who’s the 5th Chinese baller to play in the NBA and only the 2nd Asian player to win a championship.

L.A. Lakers Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, and the Luckiest Mofo Evar

DUDE. You’re AWESOME. You sign with the Lakers in August, get mono, delay your start until December, play in only 10 games before getting sent down to the Developmental League (“D-League” for short, like “D-List” or “D-Student”), return to the Lakers just in time for the playoffs, where you play 0 games…and still manage to get a ring. DUDE. I mean, DUDE. That takes mad skillz!!! Your ability to never come off the bench makes you a prime candidate down the road for 6th Man of the Year (or Invisible Man, I’m not sure which). Your fist-bump stroke is absolutely gen-i-us. And the way you park it on the sidelines the way big men park it in the paint? Quite frankly, the stuff of legends.

Speaking of legends, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, and Patrick Ewing all committed harakiri late Sunday night when they discovered that Sun Yue has a ring now and they still don’t, and that, no, this was not just some horribly cruel joke.

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Filed under: Championships, Chinese Basketball Players, Failing Upward, Fakers, Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers, Los Angeles Lakers, Lucky Bastards, NBA, Pau Gasol Is the Ugliest Dude in the NBA, Rings, Sun Yue, Winners

Paging All Orphans

Why the long faces?!

What’s up, little guys?! We’ve got great news. If you’re Asian, that is. Because we’ve just learned that Asian orphans are HOT HOT HOT! So stop your crying and all that tiresome bitching and moaning about losing your parents (jeez, we get it already)–and clean up those faces! Do you think fabulous people like the Jolie-Pitts adopt dirty children?! Turn that frown upside down! Help is on the way.

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Filed under: Adoption is the New Black, Lucky Bastards, Orphans, People as Accessories, Racial Dilettantes, Thank God We're In, Weird Fads

Harry Potter and the Order of the Tongue Slip

Harry Potter and the Whatever Whatever opened midnight on Wednesday to huge box-office numbers. In the fifth movie installment of J.K. Rowling-in-Dough’s book series, audiences get to witness the magician-dork’s first onscreen kiss with Cho Chang, as played by Katie Leung.

LUCKY BASTARD!!!

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Filed under: Daniel Radcliffe, First Kisses, Harry Potter--I Still Don't Get It, It's All Downhill From Here Bro, Katie Leung, Lucky Bastards

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between

1. Lost in Translasian
Ching-Chong O’Neal made his debut last night on TNT’s post-game show, Inside the NBA. Apparently, we’re not the only ones who think that everything coming out of his mouth is inscrutable.

2. Cuz Tramps Like Us, Baby We Were Born to Run
After the Houston Rockets were eliminated from the playoffs last week, Yao Ming expressed a desire to train with retired Rockets center Hakeem Olajuwon in the off-season. No disrepect to the Dream, his two championship rings, and Phi Slamma Jamma, but, as a long-suffering Rockets fan, I must reiterate…Yao Ming’s off-season priorities in the twilight of dominant-center basketball? Running. With. Cheetahs.

3. Being Japanese Means Wearing a Dishtowel on Your Head
Great news for your Inner Samurai: Red Sox pitcher Daisuke “Sir Dice-A-Lot” Matsuzaka pitched his first complete game this week, silencing critics who think the Japanese ace’s stuff may not live up to the hype.

4. Big (Cheap) Shot Bob
During Game 4 last night between the San Antonio Spurs and the Phoenix Suns, Robert “Big Shot Bob” Horry leveled Steve Nash on a fastbreak, knocking the Canadian point guard into the scorers’ table. Horry was ejected and suspended 2 games for the hit.

Oh, Bob. I’ve loved you, I’ve hated you, and I’m pretty sure we’re in a one-sided abusive relationship. (You abuse, I hurt, you have no idea.)

Your uncanny ability to do nothing through 3 1/2 quarters while looking completely baked, only to drain a three-pointer late in the 4th to win, will baffle mankind for all eternity. How is it that you have as many championship rings as MJ? How is it that you make over $3 mil a year when you play about 6 minutes a game? Do you have mad skillz or are you just the luckiest bastard on earth?

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Filed under: Cheetahs, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Gibberish, Lucky Bastards, Robert Horry, Samurai Head Gear, Shaquille "Ching Chong" O'Neal, Suspensions, Yao Ming