You are currently browsing posts tagged with Low-rentitude

The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History

June 18th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

DINA LOHAN

Guys, I think I just read the most humiliating sublebrity story I’ve ever read. Like, ever.

It involves a certain celebrity mom (ahem, see right) abusing her two cash cows’ daughters’ Carvel Black Cards to the point of a major incident (I’m talking, like, cops).  The tore-up, deluded famewhore mother leaked her version of the story to the tabloids and played the victim–in response, Carvel cleared their name by publicly naming and shaming the whole family in an official press release.

NOT LYING: I AM LITERALLY JITTERING WITH TINGLES OF MORTIFICASIAN FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Read what I wrote again, please. I’m not talking about the AMEX Black Card, I’m talking about a freebie card distributed by CARVEL–the ice cream company–to famous (Ali Lohan is famous? Eh, who am I to judge) folks, to entice those  celebrities to come in person (as stated in the card’s fine print) to Carvel stores for a maximum of $25 free purchases per week, for 75 years. Pretty sweet deal for a bunch of people who’ll likely be in rehab or formerly famous in ten years!

I am so mortified by this press release that I have no choice to post it here for you in full, straight from the Carvel blog. Here goes:

Carvel Responds To Dina Lohan Complaint

Posted on June 17, 2010 by carvelicecream

ATLANTA, GA (June 17, 2010) – As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration Continue reading The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tiger Woods

December 11th, 2009 | 7 comments | Posted by Diana

Did too many of Tiger’s low-rent mistresses rise up to tell their tales? Did enough of his sponsors threaten to drop him? We’ll never know.  But one of the world’s greatest atheletes has decided to step away from professional golf to focus, finally, on the shit circus that is his life:

tiger-woods-family

Time to think about who counts.

From Tiger Wood’s official site:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tiger Woods

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How Low Can You Go, Michael Phelps?

January 7th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

What is up with Michael Phelps and his love of low-rent Asian things? Didn’t that boy pick up any culture when he was in Beijing last year?


He recently signed a huge deal to shill for Mazda–the Mazda 6 to be exact–in China. I rented that very same car last summer, and the piece-of-shit broke down after 20 minutes on an unlit, desolate stretch of New Mexican highway between Albuquerque and Santa Fe, in the middle of the night. For two hours, I waited for a tow, wondering what was going to get me first, the coyotes or the meth freaks. That night, I disowned, repudiated, renounced, and abjured Mazda FOREVER from the category of “Reliable Japanese Cars,” which, you know, I always thought was kinda redundant. I hope the mother ship has enough good sense to do the same.

I’m sorry, DISGRASIAN Mazda owners, but I’m still verrrrrrry bitter.

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What’s Kimora Fabulous Than JC Penney?

July 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Page Six reported over the weekend that Steve Madden and Kimora Lee Simmons have made a deal for Madden to exclusively manufacture and supply all the shoes, handbags and belts for Simmons’ new Fabulosity line at JCPenney.

I know what you’re thinking… what could be more fabulous than a partnership with the king of trendy shoe knockoffs, available at malls across middle America?

Nothing, I tell you. NOTHING!

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Grand Theft Asian

February 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Conversasian between Jen and Diana at DISGRASIAN HQ earlier this afternoon:

DIANA: Wassssuuppp!!!

JEN: What’s up, lady?

DIANA: I’m tired.

JEN: (Yawns) Me too. Ugh.

DIANA: Oh dude, did you see that Bai Ling got caught shoplifting at the airport yesterday?

JEN: Shut up. Which one? LAX?

DIANA: Yep.

JEN: Oh my god! What did she take? Some duty-free Bulgari bags? Can I have one?

DIANA: Hmm. Actually, I believe it was two gossip magazines and a pack of batteries.

JEN: What are you talking about!?!?

DIANA: That’s what it says at UPI.com. It looks like it’s on TMZ too.

JEN: Okay, first of all, who steals from a fucking airport store? Second of all, who doesn’t pay for batteries?

DIANA: Maybe she doesn’t have any money.

JEN: Diana.

DIANA: Hmm.

JEN: Watch this. (Calls to the front office, where intern Nicolai is on Facebook) Nicolai!!!

DIANA: (chimes in) Nicolai!! Come here!

NICHOLAS: (walks into the room, bitchily) My name is Nick. How many times do I have to tell you bitches that my name is Nick? And what do you want?

JEN: Do you have any money?

NICHOLAS: In my bank account or in my pocket?

DIANA: Either.

NICHOLAS: No, I’m your free, unpaid intern. I do your bidding for the love, not the wages.

JEN: Okay then. Question for you: would you ever steal from an airport store?

NICHOLAS: (looks horrified) God, no! That is so gauche! (Pauses) Wait, like the duty-free shops?

DIANA: No, just the places with the candy and neck pillows and US Weekly’s and stuff.

NICHOLAS: Of course not. Is this some kind of insult? Typically I spend $20 bucks on two bottles of Fiji water, then I ask if they have The Economist, and if they don’t, I sigh and say I’ll just take In Touch.

DIANA: (gleefully) ME TOO!

JEN: And that costs you what, twenty, thirty bucks?

NICHOLAS: Hmm, without the water, maybe nine.

DIANA: And with a package of batteries, maybe sixteen.

NICHOLAS: What do I need batteries for?

JEN: Never mind that. Okay so, even you, poor, broke, you, Intern Nicolai, wouldn’t shoplift at the airport to get trashy mags and batteries to save nine or sixteen or thirty bucks.

NICHOLAS: No I would not and please go to hell.

JEN: Insubordination. We’re done here. Thank you, Nicolai!

(Nicholas walks away, confused.)

JEN: Let’s get a new intern.

DIANA: Totally. A hot one.

P.S. Wanna be our new intern? We’re hiring! Email your resume to info@disgrasian.com (you don’t even need to live in LA)!


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Thanks, Ken and Chris!

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I am Happy, Oh so Happy

July 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Perhaps in an effort to compete with her nemesis replacement ex-husband’s girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo’s crazy face:

Jessica Simpson did her best to rock the crazy with an assortment of retahded nerdbombalicious scary spastic happy poses at the recent launch of her swimline.

“I’m so glad that Nick has moved on!”

“Her boobs look great in that bikini… better than that little slut did while she was getting banged from behind by my husband.”

“What, me worry? I’m still relevant! People want to buy my cheap shoes, swimwear, and ugly hair extensions! I’m a catch! I can have any man I want!”

“I think Ashlee just lost another pound and Adam Levine just texted me to ‘leave him the fuck alone.’ I’m a has-been with no style and a flabby rack. Maybe Ken Paves will screw me.”

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Low-Rent Alert

May 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Ever since the UPN-WB networks merged into the CW, it’s all gone to shit. They’ve canceled Veronica Mars, which became trivial this year after abandoning the format of a year-long, whodunnit story-arc, and long-running shows like Seventh Heaven and Gilmore Girls (don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful on both counts). Smallville and One Tree Hill are both returning and they’re tripe. It says something when America’s Next Top Model is the CW’s only crowning achievement, and when they’re conducting ANOTHER SEARCH for the next Pussycat Doll. Aren’t there enough already?

Look at them. They’re a small army. We could send them to Iraq in these numbers. Ooh–there’s an idea.

Fittingly, the CW Upfronts party, held at the Buddah Bar in New York, was a sad affair. This poor girl had to serve drinks there:

The first time I saw this photo, I wasn’t sure if this cocktail waitress was dressed as a Geisha or a suicidal clown about to stab a kid in the eye with a balloon animal. Is it my subconscious talkin’ or does she look like she’s got a cleaver stuck in her skull? What do you call that hat/fan/cleaver? Is that what people are talking about when they say “ASSHAT”? And why do those drinks she’s serving look like POO?

Here’s the upshot. Laura Palmer’s dad was at the party.

Or should I say “BOB”?

Oh shit. I just scared myself.

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Source: wireimage

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