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Thank you for taking Gwen Stefani off our hands this summer. And by off our hands, we mean touring with her and making a new album together, thereby preventing her from doing something foolish and godawful on her own, like parading around with her four matchy-matchy Harajuku Slaves or doing another solo record of lobotomizing tunage that serves no discernible purpose other than to fill the void during a 30-second timeout at a Laker game (some of which you’re responsible for, but let’s just pretend we don’t know that). You’re doing us–and, we like to think, the world–a HUGE solid.
Oh, and happy 39th birthday, too!
Hey, did ya hear the good news? One of the Harajuku Slaves is free. She can be seen Thursday nights on MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew with her fly b-girl group, Beat Freaks. As Lil’ Mama would say, they dance harrrd. As Shane Sparks would say, they rip it. As vest-wearing blowhard JC Chasez would say…oh, who cares what vest-wearing blowhard JC Chasez would say?!
You may know this Harajuku Slave as “Music.” Or that tall Harajuku Girl. Maybe you, like most people, never bothered to distinguish among the four of them and really look at their individual faces, bodies, dance styles, or personalities, because the Harajuku Slaves have always been dolled up in matching outfits and geisha makeup and forced to trail their blonde big-boned owner in silence and that was the point, really, that they were all supposed to look alike and be stripped of their individual identities and be referred to en masse as “The Harajuku Girls,” riiiiiiight?
Anyhoo, true to freed slave tradition, “Music” now has a real full name: Rino Nakasone-Razalan. And homegirl is hawt, even without geisha makeup, if you can imagine. And she’s got really dope moves. And she’s part of a female hip-hop dance group who’s inspiring girls all over the country that they can do anything boys can do, backwards and in heels.
Never mind that Rino was part of a hideous cultural phenomenon on par with “Love You Long Time” that will have Asian chicks for the next generasian fighting to be seen as real people with real names and real voices and distinct personalities and not just “Harajuku Girls.” Oh well, whatever, nevermind. Why nitpick on such a historic occasion? The point is, she’s free! Free at last, free at last, God Almighty, Rino Nakasone-Razalan is free at last!!!
See, Gwen, now you know what it’s like for your Harajuku slaves to be bound and unable to speak! It’s heartbreaking, right?
Oh wait, you don’t care.