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Dear Jerry Yang

November 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Dear Jerry,

Hey dude. We know you’re having a shitty week. Shoot, the whole world knows, which probably means that, right about now, you’re in bed with the curtains drawn, licking raw cookie dough off your fingers, catching up on all those episodes of Deadliest Catch you’ve got stored on your TiVo. While everyone else is speculating what if (you had taken the Microsoft deal) and what next (for Yahoo!), we want to focus on YOU, Jer. Because, hey, you’re still worth a couple billion–okay, maybe a little less with this financial crisis thingy goin’ on–and you’ve worked really hard for that dough. Maybe too hard, naw mean? Don’t you think it’s time to step away from all this technological innovasian and have some good old-fashioned fun for a change?

That’s why we’re here. We, unlike you, are not billionaires. We really don’t know squat about running a business, much less, like, balancing our checkbooks. But we do know how to have fun. And if we had your kinda money, we would know how to spend it. Here are a few suggestions that we guarantee will help cheer you up:

1) Buy a sports team

We know what you’re thinking. Paul Allen’s been there, done that. But unlike Allen, you could buy a team, and, instead of merely parking yourself courtside to get some camera time or wasting your owner’s box on celebutard hangers-on or being content when your team is a perennial also-ran, you could commit. To building a contender. Don’t worry if you don’t know anything about sports. We can teach you. The first thing you need to know is that the Dallas Cowboys, the Pittsburgh Steelers, or the Boston Red Sox should be top 3 on your wishlist. Not just because they’re our favorite teams. Well, okay…maybe because they’re our favorite teams, but, like, whatever, all three of these teams have been #1 in one way or another over the last decade (merchandising and world championships), and you do want to be #1 again, don’t you?

2) Buy your way onto the space shuttle

You wanted to be more competitive with Google, right? Well, Sergey Brin bought his ticket to space…why not you? Since Sergey’s probably busy, like, Googling and stuff, you could totally get there before him! How awesome would it feel to beat Google for a change? Also, we can’t think of a better way to make your Hardass Asian Mama proud. All Asian parents want their kids to go to space; it’s a law of nature, like the effects of gravity. It’s going to cost you $35 million, and it will only bring short-term satisfaction, but if it means besting Google and making your Mom proud in one move, it’s worth every last purple penny.

3) Start an online-media empire in Asia

If space isn’t enough of a final frontier for you, let’s talk Asia. You’re already doing business there. You’ve earned a pretty bad reputasian for your dealings with China, and you probably feel a shit-ton of shame over it. Well, you should. But we’re not here to pile on (for now). We think that you could begin to make amends, however, by creating a content-driven online-media empire in Asia to satisfying the burgeoning middle- and upper-classes who want perspective, voice, opinion, and humor in their news. Think of it as becoming the Arianna Huffington of Asia, Yahoo! News with a panty-twist. We, um, could help you get started with that. In fact, we have this blog that would fit right into that business model. We’re all about Asia and Asians and opinions and humor. A weird coincidence, right?!

Anyhoo! Bet you’re feeling better already. We certainly are. So call us, Jerry Yang. We’re here for you.

always looking on the bright side,

DISGRASIAN

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Ode to a Toilet

May 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Recently, Dai-ichi Mutual Life Insurance Company sponsored a senryu poetry contest in Japan. Senryu is structurally similar to Haiku but deals with human nature rather than nature.

Among the top ten winners was this sad little ode:

only a toilet stool
welcomes me
warmly

As Mrs. Watkins, my neighbor growing up, used to say, Bless His Heart.

Like the Japanese themselves: clean, industrious, and a little bit inviting
A toilet control panel–more complicated than my Powerbook

Of course, then I remembered my own life-altering experiences with hi-tech, fancy schmancy Japanese toilets–which have a wikipedia page and cult following devoted to them–and I thought, Eh. Can’t be that bad.

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