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Danny Johnson, 14, of Grapevine, TX, broke the Guitar Hero III world record Wednesday by scoring 973,954 points on Expert while playing DragonForce’s “Through the Fire and Flames,” the seven-minute shred-a-thon that is the final ego-stomping hurdle of the game. (Full disclosure: neither Diana nor I have done this. Yet.) Apparently he was on his way to a perfect score (showoff!) until his blue key broke, but he shattered the old record by 75,000 points anyway and appeared not to break a sweat as he performed before a crowd in a midtown Manhattan Best Buy:
In real life, Danny actually plays real instruments, like the guitar, piano, drums, sax, and…the oboe. I too played the oboe for seven years in junior high and high school. I’m pretty sure it was the reason why I had so many boyfriends (too many to count, I assure you) in my adolescence. (Have you ever read Meghan Daum’s genius essay, “Music Is My Bag,” about being the sad sack who plays the oboe? You should.) I’m also pretty sure, now that Danny’s bagged the world record, that his–and my–GH prowess comes from playing that fickle, forgotten woodwind, that double-reed, duck-calling dork magnet.
Yes, yes. It’s all so clear to me now. It must definitely be the oboe.
Filed under: Danny Johnson, Danny Johnson Guitar Hero III World Record, Dork Magnets, DragonForce, Guinness Book of World Records, Lofty Goals, Musical Geniuses, Oboes, Oboists, Through the Fire and Flames
Jen just introduced me to the evolving drama surrounding South Korean women currently rocking the L.P.G.A. circuit: It began when Tour Commissioner Carolyn Bivens proposed that foreign-born players with two years completed on the Tour show a proficiency in English or face suspension (apparently for schmoozing purposes). The mandate proposal didn’t last long, but the emphasize on learning English is still strongly emphasized.
It appears that Biven also wants to liberate those women whose fathers (most of whom quit their jobs in South Korea to help their children) accompany them throughout the competition:
In a recent interview, [Bivens] said her goal was to help assimilate the South Korean players into a culture starkly different from their own and to emancipate them from what she characterized as overbearing fathers. Forcing the players to learn English and threatening their livelihoods was the best way she saw to accomplish that.
Hrmm. Learning English, sure, that’s definitely something these athletes can manage, no sweat.
But, uh, separating Asian girls from their overbearing Hardass Asian Dads?
Yeah. Good luck with that.
Says the gossip source:
Beatie, who first told his story on “The OPRAH WINFREY Show” earlier this spring, underwent gender reassignment surgery but kept his female reproductive organs and is now pregnant with his and his wife NANCY’s daughter.
The book is titled LOVE MAKES A FAMILY: A Memoir of Hardship, Healing and an Extraordinary Pregnancy and is set to hit stores on September 30.
Sounds like a pretty fascinating tale. But need we say it again? Writing a book is fucked–er, we mean, FUN!
I recently became addicted to Tila Tequila’s “Hot Spot”–which is in fact, not her clitoris, but her blog. How else would I have learned that, God willing, she plans to walk away from fame once she finds her mate in A Shot At Love 2?
I mean. We Wish.
She continues by quoting herself from Entertainment Weekly Magazine:
I wanna do meaningful stuff. After a while you reach your goals and then what? You just prance around like Paris Hilton all day long and feel like you have to find the next scandal to stay big. This lifestyle is fun and I worked hard for it, but I think in the long run, it’s a lot. I just wanna be in love for the rest of my life and move to an island and have kids.
Oh, that Tila and her “stuff!” After reading this incredible declarasian, we feel compelled to figure out what goals she’s reached in life:
1) Mastering a musical instrument
3) Writing a book
Oooh! It looks like she’s already started: check out her new track, a duet with Hotrod called “I Like to Fuck.”
At least she’s finally saying something that she means.
David “My Magic Isn’t Exactly Magic Per Se” Blaine held his breath for a record-breaking 17 minutes and 4 seconds today, an achievement that was broadcast live on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Immediately after completing the mind-boggling task, Blaine told Winfrey that the accomplishment had “always been a lifelong dream.”
It all kind of reminded me of my early years of dating, when every guy I brought home had just gotten off of a tour vehicle of some sort or spent much of their free time peddling records and buying vintage cowboy shirts. They would always look, unsteadily, with four eyes or a smidge of eyeliner, at my dad and talk about their hopes for the future.
It often sounded an awful lot like this:
“I definitely want to like, manage a record shop.”
“We’re gonna sell a bunch of albums. Maybe go to Japan!”
“I’ll probably take some classes sometime.”
My dad would always raise his eyebrows in bewilderment and nod us off. I knew that with our backs turned he would be shaking his head at me, imagining his youngest daughter barefoot and pregnant alongside a 40-year old record store clerk. “These guys,” he would say later, “they have no ambition, no goals. What kind of future do you think they will have?”
I assume that if he heard about Blaine’s long-held ambitions he would scowl something in the same vein: “Holding his breath is his lifelong dream? Tell him to breathe and go to college, get a job!”
Or maybe just “I hate magic!”
Or maybe both.
As you know, Jen and I can’t help but be fascinated by Ann Curry, the smooth-faced robot. There are so many things about her we don’t understand–like how a person can wear so much lipstick with nary a tooth smear or chin smudge–and we’ve simply been unable to decide whether or not we like her. She’s just so… Ann Curry.
Perhaps part of the reason we’ve never decided to disgrace or embrace Ann is that up until now, her Asianness seemed kind of irrelevant. Sure, you could argue that robots are Asian–but I would argue back that robots just happen to be loved by Asians. They’re really just emotionaless piles of metal waiting take over the humanoid planet, which is an idea we kinda fancy, for some reason.
Today, I watched this video of Ann Curry discussing her resolve to set foot on the South Pole (as part of The Today Show‘s “At the Ends of the Earth” stunt) even though a week’s worth of incredibly prohibitive weather conditions were standing in the way. And it hit me: This bitch isn’t going to give up. She’s so resolved. She’s so unwilling to fail. She’s so fucking Asian. I love her.
So there you go, it’s decided–even though she can’t dance, she’s on my good side. For now.
Singapore’s Society for Men’s Health and a pharmaceutical firm are proposing a four-point scale for erectile dysfunction, allowing men to rate their own hardness with four categories: cucumber, unpeeled banana, peeled banana and tofu (bean curd).
“Men should aim for this,” UK sex therapist Victoria Lehmann told a news conference, holding a cucumber.
Let’s aim higher, guys… think metal baseball bat!!!