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EVA: Tell me again why I have to stand next to you?
ASH: Because we both work for L’Oreal, silly.
EVA: Could you at the very least have let me be the only one wearing the sparkly dress?
ASH: What, this old thing? I just threw it on at the last minute.
EVA: Uh…yeah, me too! Yup, just threw this on. Just like you. Don’t even know who designed it.
ASH: Didn’t I hear you tell that journalist over there it was Naeem Khan?
“Eat this, Suri Cruise! I’m lookin’ fly on the red carpet! You think you’re so bad in your high heels? My sisters wear ties and hats and exercise pants and maxi dresses. And I am rocking this scarf and chapeau at the ‘Invictus’ premiere better than a veteran director at the Cannes film festival. You’ve been to Cannes, right? Wait–do you speak French yet? I do. I’ll translate: Cannes is French for “WE JOLIE-PITTS ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOU.”
Filed under: Amazian Jr., Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cannes, Children That Dress Like Adults, Cute Kids, Cute-Offs, Famous Offspring, French, Live From the Red Carpet, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Men In Hats, Our Progeny Are Just Cuter--Deal With It, Precocious Younguns, Suri Cruise High Heels, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Throwdowns
ELIZABETH: Oh joy, lucky me! I get to walk the red carpet with “The World’s Most Beautiful Woman”! There definitely must be a God. And he hates me.
AISHWARYA: Come now, darling. At least your films are widely seen in the West. Most Americans can’t even name one of my films!
ELIZABETH: Do you think most Americans can name any one of my films either?! All the good parts I go up for end up going to that whore Rachel McAdams. Do you know how close I was to landing The Notebook? To sniffing Ryan Gosling’s godly flesh?
ELIZABETH: So I’m always left playing the girlfriend. Or the blonde. Or the blonde girlfriend. Or the brunette girlfriend. Or the…whatever-colored-hair girlfriend who isn’t an integral part of the story. Arghhh. Shoot me.
AISHWARYA: What about that porno you made? Surely people remember that?
ELIZABETH: It wasn’t a real porno. Unfortunately…that would have actually helped my career.
AISHWARYA: (sympathetic) I see. Well, you look divine in red, dear.
ELIZABETH: I wore it when I found out I’d be walking the red carpet with you. So I would blend right in to the floor, and no one would be, like, There goes Aishwarya Rai and, uh, What’s-Her-Face-Oh-Who-Really-Cares-Anyway-Let’s-Not-Even-Bother-to-Put-Her-in-the-Headline…
AISHWARYA: No one will say that about you!
ELIZABETH: Trust me, people will definitely be saying that about me.
Usually, Ryan Seacrest does an adequate job on the red carpet, but he totally whiffed yesterday when interviewing the Slumdog Millionaire kids:
“I can’t pronounce all these names”?
“Well, she speaks good English”?
Bai Ling attended the X-Files: I Want to Believe premiere last night looking like a slutty Big Bird, accessorized with–shocker!–a requisite nipple slipple, silver heels, a hint of ass crack, and those stupid fucking band-aids.
Bai doesn’t appear to be in the movie, but if she were, we’re confident she would have been perfect as “one of them.”
Filed under: Aliens, Bai Ling, Band-Aids, Big Bird Suits, Dana Scully, Fox Mulder, I Want to Believe, Jumping the Nipple Shark, Live From the Red Carpet, Nipple Slipples, Nipples, Premieres, X-Files Movie
Do you want a fuckin’ medal, too?
Filed under: Djimon Honsou, Good Luck to Aoki and Ming (You'll Need It), Good Parenting, JC Penney? Really?, Kimora Lee Simmons, Live From the Red Carpet, Midriff Tops Make Me Sad, Mothers, Softass Asian Parents
Bravo held its first annual “A-List Awards” last night–which made me sadder than the saddest sad I have ever sadly felt. Back in my day, “A-list” referred to people so high on the celebrity “list” that there wasn’t even an actual, physical list involved. If you were A-list, you never even bothered to write your name anymore–not on your underwear, not on a nametag, not even on your voter registration form (they’d surely figure out who you were). You autographed things at the DMV with an “x.” You had your assistant call to make dinner reservations for you, and when they asked under what name, she would say, “Well that depends. Are you nasty?“
There are not supposed to be awards for being “A-list!” Being A-list is its own award!!
Or so I thought.
In attendance at last night’s cable network debacle were the slovenly rejects of even Bravo’s semi-glittery TV efforts. Project Runway losers Jillian Lewis and Kara Janx showed their homely faces, as did the hostesses of the network’s less-popular series Top Chef and Make Me A Supermodel. In what seemed like a charitable gesture, Rachel Zoe raised herself from the dead in the stead of her absent sublebrity clients, and Kathy Griffin hosted the whole mess.
And to top it off?
Bravo is either playing a very cruel joke on their already-jilted talent, or has a very, very dyslexic list maker.
“Ni hao, bitches! PETA can get all up in my grill for wearing this, but, I’m sorry, I’d rather wear my IKEA rug on the red carpet than be naked…brrrr!”
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: Well, of course I’m looking forward to winning. But, also, I-I-I–
DAY-LEWIS’S WIFE: [Oh god, no. Please, no.]
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: I just have to say something, forgive me…
DAY-LEWIS’S WIFE: [Why isn't the Percocet working? Shit, shit.]
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: I-I just wanted to dedicate this red carpet interview to…
DAY-LEWIS’S WIFE: [Fuck, not again. Don't say it. Please, God, throw down a roll of duct tape, I beseech you.]
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: …I want to dedicate this moment to Heath Ledger. I didn’t know him, but I considered him a friend, and–
DAY-LEWIS’S WIFE: We’re done, here. Thank you!
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: I-I can’t seem to quit him!
Heidi Klum came prepared for a rainy Oscar night in a couture life vest:
…Us! We’re livebloggin’ the Oscars this Sunday on 23/6, the HuffPost’s funny haha site. Guaranteed bitchy hilarity to ensue from 8 EST/5 PST on!