You are currently browsing posts tagged with Lindsay Lohan

Waning Awaysian

February 16th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

If my Hardass Asian Grandma were still alive, she’d be like:



“Lindsay Lohan, you are looking fat and tired. Need to exercise and use more face cream.”

HA! Just kidding.

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Colorasian

November 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

There’s just something about hearing a celebutard drive-bi actress mutter about how great it is to have elected “our first colored president”…

…that makes me think we shouldn’t ask celebrities to talk about politics.

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Parental Emulasian

October 6th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Listen, I’ll admit it. Every time I look at Angelina with her brood of cutest children ever, my uterus starts to quake a little. And I’m not really into kids, quite frankly–they seem way too easy to break, and they always need to be fed Cheerios or mac ‘n cheez, and they always ask questions like “Why? But why? But why? But why?”–and once they’re three, they’re only a decade away from being a teenager with a cell phone/belly ring/penchant for HATING YOU. Blegh.

But look at those little elbow patches on Pax! How can they be ignored? Just one glance at his soft little nose and Zahara’s cute lips and Maddox’s furrowed brow makes me want to start collecting children like Limoges boxes. I think it happens to us all, and I simply can’t fault us for it.

But sometimes these things take a downhill spiral. Take Lindsay Lohan, for instance, who recently told Marie Claire, “At some point … I want to adopt a kid … A child in need or a newborn from another country. I’m not sure yet.”

Um, BAD IDEA. HUGELY BAD IDEA. At the very least, I must warn all the little baby orphans in y’know, like, other countries–at least Vietnam–to cover their heads and RUN. By all assumptions, Lohan could be casting a very wide net.

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Hiding Fasian

September 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


So what’s the deal here? Is Sienna Miller overwhelmed by shame because her affair with married actor Balthazar Getty has been blown completely out of proportion, the media won’t leave her alone, and her reputation as a hussy/homewrecker now seems inescapable? Is it this shameful to no longer feel like an “It” girl?


…Or is she just embarrassed that she, like Lindsay Lohan, is still rocking yesterday’s leggings and flats as if they were tomorrow’s Marni?

You tell us.

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When Worlds Collide: Lindsay, Sam, and Our Hardass Asian Moms Go to Fashion Week

September 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Lindsay Lohan with Samantha Ronson (front row) and Diana’s Mom with Jen’s Mom (back row)


DIANA’S MOM: Stuck in the second row. And behind this girl with so many freckles and her skinny boyfriend. Ghê quá! Who are these people? What do they do? I thought they put movie stars in the front row.

JEN’S MOM: And loyal customers. Like us.

DIANA’S MOM: Not anymore they don’t. How things have changed. Young people these days–no respect.

JEN’S MOM: I’m never coming to Fashion Week again. After this, Fashion Week is dead to me. I disown Fashion Week like I did Jennifer when she told me she wanted to be a writer.

DIANA’S MOM: Like Diana, when she told me she wasn’t going to medical school. Or law school. Or not even…architecture school.

JEN’S MOM: Not even architecture school?! Ai ya.

DIANA’S MOM: (shakes head) I know. Such a waste. She could have been bigger than Maya Lin. But instead she chose…er…

JEN’S MOM: What do our daughters do again?

DIANA’S MOM: I have no idea.

JEN’S MOM: Me neither.

DIANA’S MOM & JEN’S MOM: (in unison) Such a waste.

Awkward silence.

DIANA’S MOM: Who are these people in front of us? Why do they get special treatment?

JEN’S MOM: As hard as it is to believe, Freckle Girl is a movie star. Well, she used to be, anyway. And that is her girlfriend. I don’t know what she does. She looks to me like a punk off the street.

DIANA’S MOM: That boy is a girl?! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

JEN’S MOM: I read it in the Chinese newspaper. They are girlfriend-girlfriend.

DIANA’S MOM: They were in the Chinese newspaper? I don’t believe you. That is a boy.

JEN’S MOM: Ai ya. I’m telling you. That is a girl.

DIANA’S MOM: What about that haircut?!

JEN’S MOM: Don’t ask me. It’s today’s “fashion.” Girls look like boys, boys look like girls, girls date girls, boys date boys, the gay can get married…

DIANA’S MOM: Ghê quá! The world is changing so fast.

JEN’S MOM: Changing for the worse, if you ask me.

DIANA’S MOM: At least our daughters don’t have girlfriends.

JEN’S MOM: And they’ll give us grandchildren one day.

DIANA’S MOM: That’s the least they could do. (beat) But what if they want to focus on…um…

JEN’S MOM: Whatever it is that they do, instead of giving us grandchildren?

DIANA’S MOM: Uh-huh.

More awkward silence.

JEN’S MOM: Ai ya!

DIANA’S MOM: Ghê quá!

JEN’S MOM & DIANA’S MOM: (in unison) Such a waste!

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Attention and Fame’s a Career, Career, Career, Korea

August 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


I feel like this should more appropriately read: “Live from a Career-Low.” But that’s just me.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Dear Lindsaysian

July 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Lindsay,

How are you? I’m fine. I’ve been really busy or whatever, but everything’s great, just great!

Let me cut to the chase: I’m not a huge fan of yours. I am freaked out by your family. I am freaked out by your freckly legs. I am freaked out by your mug shot. Hell, I am freaked out by your Friday (Hee hee! Get it?). People say you can act–which is true on some level (I loved Mean Girls)–but I’ve seen you with that gravelly voice, shoving your hands in your pockets, shrugging your shoulders and acting petulant, in enough movies (Okay, I’ve seen Freaky Friday and I Know Who Killed Me and, by God, Lucky You… which is more than I can say for most of the world) to know that you’re a bit of a one-trick pony.

I don’t think fame-dependency has been good for you. I’ve noticed that your weight constantly fluctuates (you’re looking a bit thin these days, by the way… I do hope it’s pilates and not yay). You parade around Robertson Blvd. with a perpetual come-hither lip snarl, but nobody’s coming hither. And now that you’re no longer under rehabordeathwatch, and your agent is freaking out because your “serious stripper” movie proved to be a fucking disaster, and the trades told everyone that your big-screen name is spelled F-L-O-P on television, you ‘re actually starting to seem… really, really desperate.


Is this why you seem to be taking cues from our DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shame-whore, Tila Tequila? Let’s face it, she needs attention like most people need air, and so do you! She loves her tits, and so do you! She loves sequined dresses, chapeaus, going blonde, and rubbing up against butch chicks…


…and so (see above) do you!

The problem with this is not so much that we don’t bi your paparazzi-perpetuated lesbian love affair (drive-bis are tired, and we loathe them all).

It’s that we don’t care.

NOBODY. CARES.

TAKE AN ACTING CLASS. BECOME MORE INTERESTING. DO SOMETHING. DO BETTER. DON’T JUST DO YOUR HOMELY FEMALE BEST FRIEND.

I’m so fucking bored of you I could tip a cow (but I won’t).

xoxox,
diana

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Sub-ling Rivalry

May 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

My three older sisters are an Asian parent’s wet dream. All three went to medical school; two went on to become physicians and one dropped out (black sheep?) to become a lawyer (nope, just a sheep). All three have groomed dogs and house deeds and entertainment systems and cars with navigation systems. All three have board and bar certifications neatly framed in mahogany in their clean offices. They pay their taxes on time. One of my sisters accidentally overpays her credit cards. They’re great. Just great.

And then there’s me. The littlest sibling, the one with the English degree, the one everyone is hoping will stop writing and start studying for the bar already. I am the Lost Baby Sis, which is a post that by now I’ve grown used to and am actually rather proud of.

The Lost Baby Sis in me ached a little today when I saw this clip of Ali Lohan (aka Lohan Jr. aka The Lohan With the Less Wonderful Genes aka Perfect For Reality TV aka 14 Going On 40 aka Never Heard of Her) on David Letterman touting the new reality show she stars in with Mother-of-the-Year Dina:

David Letterman calls Ali “Lindsay,” and you can see in her eyes the panicked realizasian: I will never be Lindsay.

In response I would love to tell her one very important observation:
GIRL, YOU DON’T WANT TO BE.

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Seriously?

May 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Yummy half-Chinese R&B star and songwriter Ne-Yo was presented with a very intense challenge recently: writing a song for Lindsay Lohan that would actually be worth listening to. He emerged with her latest, a synth masterpiece called “Bossy”:

“I wrote it for her because when she’s on her game, you can see these traits in her. When she’s focused, she exudes the aura of a boss with ease,” Ne-Yo explains. “When [producer] Stargate and I were approached with the task, we viewed it as a challenge. Can we make a song for Lindsay Lohan that people were gonna take seriously?’ I think we did it.

Oh, Ne-Yo. Ne-Yo! Ne-Yo.

I think we’ve been taking Lohan far more seriously than you think, for way longer than you’ve given us credit for. Even in her musical ventures!

Like, I cried when I first watched this performance of her hit song, “Rumors.”

Cried. Real tears. Watershed moment: when she sings her own echo echo echo. If that isn’t serious, I don’t know what is.

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For jRu

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Munn-derful

February 25th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

It’s no secret that Attack of the Show‘s quirky, brash host Olivia Munn is really purty, and purty cool. She’s got a firm bod, golden skin, nose-sprinkling of freckles, and gold-speckled eyes–she’s hot. But she also happens to be a nerd’s heroine and strangely normal for a television personality. Who knew that was even possible?

Anyway, we’ve been sweet on her for awhile, though our love for her was truly confirmed just this week when she said out loud what everybody else was thinking about those retahded Lindsay Lohan photos which showcase the Razzie-Award-winner’s saggy teats and post-rehab bloat ZzZZzzinner MarilynzzZZz during Bert Stern’s “last sitting”:

Yeghhh.

Jen and I found the new pictures so embarrassing and irrelevant that they almost made DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK (though, as is often the case with us, Lohan’s importance was trumped by real news). So we were delighted to find that Munn hit the nail on the head:

She looks haggard. You actually get distracted by all of her body freckles.”

Oof. We’re just glad she said it, so we didn’t have to.

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Thanks, Thomas!

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Speaking of Knives…

June 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Some new, arguably substance-inspired photos of La Lohan and some cherub-faced member of her party posse surfaced yesterday to fuel the fire of her downward spiral frenzy. The photos are dangerous! Risqué!! …OH PHOOEY. They’re idiotic and annoying and… ZzzzZZzzZZzzzzz.

Today, however, the unidentified cherub face was named as none other than DISGRASIAN repeat offender Vanessa Minnillo.

Upon this discovery, Page Six took the opportunity to vomit up an entire Page o’Shame (I thought that was OUR job) very seriously demoting the poor veejay:

“June 5, 2007 — THE mystery brunette posing sexily with a knife at Lindsay Lohan’s throat in photos (posted by celeb photo agency x17) that ran in yesterday’s New York Post is Vanessa Minnillo, who might have a hard time getting a new job because of the risqué party pictures.

One of the photos from last summer shows Minnillo pulling down Lohan’s tank top. Another shows her with face upturned, eyes closed and lips parted, as if about to kiss the wild child, who is now 20 and in rehab…

…While friends of Minnillo insist it was she who decided not to renew the contract with ‘ET,’ insiders say her bosses at CBS Paramount soured on her when she covered the Grammys in February. Minnillo was not assigned to the Academy Awards in March.

When producers flew her to Los Angeles to cover the Grammys, ‘she was extremely high maintenance,’ said one source. “She insisted they fly her own hair and makeup people and her personal assistant out with her every time she flew to L.A. She only flew first class and stayed at the Four Seasons, and then she didn’t want to work.

‘Vanessa wants to be a celebrity, not interview them,’ said the source. ‘She wouldn’t conduct post-show interviews because she wanted to party. She expected to be paid a full-time salary for a part-time job.’”

Dayyyyum, Vaness (Can I call you “Vaness?”)! Did you urinate on Richard Johnson’s table at Masa or something? If you were a real star, this would be the sound of your little light going out.

Read the full piece here.

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98? I Mean, That’s an "A."

May 22nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Not that I’ve ever given too much credit to the editors of Maxim, who named Lindsay Lohan as their “hottest woman of the year” this year… but upon scanning the 2007 Hot 100 list, I noticed a distinct lack of sizzling Asian ladies. Nicole Scherzinger came in at number 28. And Lost‘s Yunjin Kim came in at… NUMBER 98.

Um… look at the searing hot photo of Yunjin above. Is it really possible that this beautiful thing was superceded by freaky blonde chatterbird KELLY RIPA, aka NUMBER 44????????????

Confusion aside, I deserve a severe beating for even looking at the list. “Hot 100?” Err… “Maxim?” Who reads this caca?

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