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Could This Kobe Any Easier?

February 5th, 2010 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

Yeah, Kobe, you know we don’t love you. Or like you, even.


But hot damn… sometimes you make our job  SO EASY.

Continue reading Could This Kobe Any Easier?

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We Get It Already, Blasians Can’t Drive Escalades

December 2nd, 2009 | 8 comments | Posted by Diana

As Gawker aptly pointed out yesterday, nearly every hack comedian in America managed a take on this setup: “Blasian Tiger Woods crashes his Escalade.”

Ha.



There are many versions, but the joke goes something like this:

Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade yesterday!
Well you know, he’s Black and Asian [pause for yuks].
And of course… the Black part of him bought the Cadillac [insert ghetto grin] and the Asian part of him was driving [insert buck teef]!

Click here for the sampler flight of punchlines.

Surprisingly, though, not one comedian seemed to find a way to make the “joke” funny. ZzZZZzzZzzZZZzZzzzzzZzzzz.

[via Gawker]

Thanks, Jasmine and Colin!

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The New Ugly Americans

January 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

China, dear Mother Ship, you bring me great shame.

The LA Times reported Thursday that George W. Bush remains a popular president in the PRC. Excuse me, China, but are you high?

“I’m going commando in this thingmajig. You should try it.”

A photographic exhibit documenting 30 years of Sino-U.S. relasians is currently up in Beijing, and it depicts Bush in a flattering light. Nixon, too. One exhibit attendee, Mao Baoshu, a retired nuclear (that’s nuke-a-lar, natch) specialist, was quoted as saying:

“Bush made some mistakes in foreign policy, especially with Iraq, but for the Chinese, he had been a true friend…We will never forget that the leader of the most developed country in the world stood up to pressure to come to the Olympics.”

My Hardass Chinese Dad used to love telling me when I was growing up that the problem with us Americans is that we’re arrogant–and he’s not alone in that perception, is he?–but damn if y’all aren’t doing a fine job of following our lead.

Now pee into this cup. Because I know you’re on drugs. Or pregnant. Maybe both.

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Yale Student Calls Her Period "Art"

April 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

On Thursday, college student Aliza Shvarts told the Yale Daily News that she had artificially inseminated herself and then induced abortions over the course of nine months for her senior art project.

“I hope it inspires some sort of discourse,” she said.

After everyone on the internet fuh-reaked out over it, Yale officials quickly issued a statement claiming Shvarts’ project was a hoax, “a creative fiction” and “performance art.”

Today, however, Shvarts wrote in the YDN that the art project was real, although she couldn’t confirm whether or not she ever got pregnant.

“On the 28th day of my cycle, I would ingest an abortifacient, after which I would experience cramps and heavy bleeding.

…this performance piece has numerous conceptual goals. The first is to assert that often, normative understandings of biological function are a mythology imposed on form…

…it is a myth that ovaries and a uterus are meant to birth a child.”

What?!? Boy do we feel duped. Goddamn you, “biology”!!!

One thing’s for certain. Aliza really got us discoursing, alright. And we feel for the girl. Heavy-flow periods are a bitch, and the attendant mood swings–they make us crazier than a bag of squirrel dicks. Which is why we don’t blame her for staining her favorite pair of white pants and mistaking it for “art.” Nor do we think she’s really responsible for being so fucking annoying and pretentious. Girlfriend’s been through a lot, and what she needs now is some dark chocolate, a box of Super Plus Tampax, and a fistful of Midol.

Source: YouTube
Thanks, Robbie!

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Grand Theft Asian

February 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Conversasian between Jen and Diana at DISGRASIAN HQ earlier this afternoon:

DIANA: Wassssuuppp!!!

JEN: What’s up, lady?

DIANA: I’m tired.

JEN: (Yawns) Me too. Ugh.

DIANA: Oh dude, did you see that Bai Ling got caught shoplifting at the airport yesterday?

JEN: Shut up. Which one? LAX?

DIANA: Yep.

JEN: Oh my god! What did she take? Some duty-free Bulgari bags? Can I have one?

DIANA: Hmm. Actually, I believe it was two gossip magazines and a pack of batteries.

JEN: What are you talking about!?!?

DIANA: That’s what it says at UPI.com. It looks like it’s on TMZ too.

JEN: Okay, first of all, who steals from a fucking airport store? Second of all, who doesn’t pay for batteries?

DIANA: Maybe she doesn’t have any money.

JEN: Diana.

DIANA: Hmm.

JEN: Watch this. (Calls to the front office, where intern Nicolai is on Facebook) Nicolai!!!

DIANA: (chimes in) Nicolai!! Come here!

NICHOLAS: (walks into the room, bitchily) My name is Nick. How many times do I have to tell you bitches that my name is Nick? And what do you want?

JEN: Do you have any money?

NICHOLAS: In my bank account or in my pocket?

DIANA: Either.

NICHOLAS: No, I’m your free, unpaid intern. I do your bidding for the love, not the wages.

JEN: Okay then. Question for you: would you ever steal from an airport store?

NICHOLAS: (looks horrified) God, no! That is so gauche! (Pauses) Wait, like the duty-free shops?

DIANA: No, just the places with the candy and neck pillows and US Weekly’s and stuff.

NICHOLAS: Of course not. Is this some kind of insult? Typically I spend $20 bucks on two bottles of Fiji water, then I ask if they have The Economist, and if they don’t, I sigh and say I’ll just take In Touch.

DIANA: (gleefully) ME TOO!

JEN: And that costs you what, twenty, thirty bucks?

NICHOLAS: Hmm, without the water, maybe nine.

DIANA: And with a package of batteries, maybe sixteen.

NICHOLAS: What do I need batteries for?

JEN: Never mind that. Okay so, even you, poor, broke, you, Intern Nicolai, wouldn’t shoplift at the airport to get trashy mags and batteries to save nine or sixteen or thirty bucks.

NICHOLAS: No I would not and please go to hell.

JEN: Insubordination. We’re done here. Thank you, Nicolai!

(Nicholas walks away, confused.)

JEN: Let’s get a new intern.

DIANA: Totally. A hot one.

P.S. Wanna be our new intern? We’re hiring! Email your resume to info@disgrasian.com (you don’t even need to live in LA)!


Source Source Source
Thanks, Ken and Chris!

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Kimora Money, Kimora Problems*

January 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
From this month’s Harper’s Bazaar: “He’s a reality check for me, and I’m a fabulosity check for him”


Over the holidays, Diana and I decided to put a Kimoratorium on DISGRASIAN’s favorite self-promoting tranny. What Kimora could we say about her? That bitch liked to fight? That she stood for nothing? That she was fauxbulous? Yawn. Yawn. zZZzzzzZzzz.

But then we read in the New York Post this week that Simmons and boy toy Djimon (who is actually 43 years old) recently went shopping at Barneys in New York, and her Cadillac Escalade was not only illegally parked, but it was displaying a New York Correction Department permit on its dash that read, “This Vehicle Is On Official Business.” The department is now investigating whether the permit is fer reals or not.

Kimora and a FAKE parking permit?!? Shocking! Guess the Kimoratorium’s over. Sigh. And we were just beginning to enjoy 2008, too.

Source
Title and story courtesy of Greenie!

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Incriminasian

August 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
“Gimme all your money!”


A Wisconsin couple was busted this week after trying to rob a gas station with a Samurai sword.

The Associated Press reports:

The couple needed money to leave town, so they stole a 2000 Mercury Sable on Aug. 8 from the Jeepers Gin Mill and drove to their home to pick up the sword and two stocking caps, police said.

Then Ferreri drove Schmid to a gas station, where a clerk said he threatened her with a “Japanese-style sword” and forced her to give him several hundred dollars from the station’s registers.

The couple is currently sitting in the Portage County Jail on a combined $125,000 bail. Not sure if samurai swords combined even with kung fu and dancing could get them enough dough to cover that.

And the moral of the story is: “Emulating Us is cool, not easy.” or “Don’t play with swords if you aren’t actually a Samurai.”

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Do We Offend?

July 31st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

So the big Rush Hour 3 premiere bash happened last night, beginning at Mann’s Chinese Theater (of course). I’m sure you’ve been looking for us in the screening and after party photos…

Are we… here?

Nope, just the Fat guy.

What about… here?

Nuh uh, not here either. But hee hee! Rook at how tiny
Jackie and other rittle people rookey next to big tall man!


Okay then, what about… here?

Sadly, no. This photo contains only DISGRASIANS,
one of which apparently still has trouble understanding Chingrish.


Well gosh, maybe the guest list was just really tight at this event. Strictly A-list. Only true artists, visionaries, pioneers of the industry, that sort of thing.

Oh wait, there’s that putrid waste of human flesh,
and she’s talking to a living, breathing, jump-kicking cartoon.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. I’ll admit it. We weren’t invited. Maybe we weren’t important enough. Maybe there was too much to write about. Maybe they were scared to have us there.

Or maybe we just had something better to do:

…like catching up on our knitting.

…or practicing our math.

…or SHOVELING SHIT.


Frankly, we really didn’t want to go.

Source: Associated Press

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The Domino Effect

July 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Lindsay Lohan was loathsome.

Not during Mean Girls–no, in Mean Girls she was wonderful. And through that whole chubby period, even during the creepy Wilmer Valderrema stage. Nope, it happened somewhere between Herbie: Fully Loaded and Hyde and Malibu and Teddy’s and a giant, Kilamanjaro-sized pile of coke. I started to hate her.

It seemed like the last straw when Lindsay didn’t show up for Jen’s SHAMEXCHANGE PROGRAM.

And. Then. Came:

Lohan’s ’07 Mug Shot: Driving not so good, hair great, skin terrible, eyes sad.

Suddenly, for the first time EVER, I started to feel bad for the poor girl. Why is her life tumbling down in a movie-like downhill spiral? Why does it seem like nobody actually loves her? Why is she snorting her sadness away instead of working it out with a proper therapist? Jesus, why isn’t there a friend out there willing to AT LEAST HOLD HER STASH OF BLOW FOR HER?

I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to offer her kindness and big sisterhood.

And then…

As a result of Lohan’s arrest, she was forced to bail on her Tonight Show appearance this evening, and in her stead DISGRASIAN veteran Rob Schneider will fill up the dead air by trading bad jokes with Jay Leno.

Though he has promised to impersonate Lindsay during his interview, chances are he’ll be spending most of his time plugging his Ching-Chong Minister character from the film I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry (which, if I can bring myself to sit through this GLAAD-approved pile of comedy dung without retching, will probably end up on DISGRASIAN next week).

Schneider, GLAAD, Chuck, Larry, Leno. All at once.

Now I’m mad at the bitch all over again.

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I Call Shenanasians

July 23rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

After all of CW’s tireless searching for the Pussycat Dolls’ Next Doll, Season One of The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll winner Asia Nitollano has announced that she is embarking on a solo career in lieu of touring with the group.

Was this some sort of trick? Does this mean they were never actually searching for the Next Doll after all? If so, all of my perception of truth has been shattered.

Moving on.

Um, I realize that the new season is already under production, but I move that we re-title the series The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Scantily-Clad Mediocre Talent That Can’t Really Dance or Sing But Eventually Wants to Be Photographed Frequently and Sing For Audiences, Sorta.

Kinda has a nice ring to it, dontcha think?

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Groundbreaking

June 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The self-proclaimed “Masked Asian” has a bold new statement to make: “Racism should end.”

Hey man, didn’t you hear? Racism “ended” last Tuesday. You probably just missed it underneath all of the Paris Hilton press.

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A Bride With a Dark Side

May 21st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Reuters reported a story today about a Indian man in the eastern Bihar state who staged a hunger strike after his intended bride refused to marry him for being too dark. After two days, she relented and married him anyway:

“Rajani, 19, changed her mind after two days and the couple got married, Arun Kumar Mishra, a village council official said.

‘We were all taken by surprise but Rajani was finally moved by the gesture of the young man and married him,’ Mishra said.

Most Indian women, especially those in rural areas, often have no choice in matters of marriage, and are coerced into it by relatives and parents.”

Girl, what?

If you had refused to marry him because you don’t believe in being forced into matrimony because of your parents wishes, cool–that’s punk. If you had refused to marry him because upon introducing himself, he leaned into your ear and said “You sure as hell better love anal,” fair enough. But you refused because he was too dark? That’s some bullshit. Your steez is tired, yo.

We here at DISGRASIAN love people of all colorasians. Follow our lead.

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