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Today, the great Phil Jackson announced that he has completed his final season at the helm of the Lakers. In a press conference held so that the man who has won 2 NBA championships as a player and 11 as a coach could properly bid farewell to LA
fakers fans, he talked about pursuing adventures outside the NBA:
“That’s always something to get over. But one of the things I watch in my days with my coaches was there was a point, and I’m about at that point, where you either move on or stay in it, you never break away from it and it becomes the rest of your life. I always kind of thought that I’d like to do something beyond just the basketball coaching.”
For those of you how don’t speak bball, I offer you this translasian:
“I am so EFFIN SICK of sneaker squeak and 7-foot-tall children and buzzers and fluorescent lights. I’m tall. I’m rich. I rule. Time to kick it in Lake Cuomo with Clooney, know what I mean?”
He also talked briefly about his less-than-ideal swan song with the team, a second-round shutout by the Dallas Mavs:
“I’m always relieved when a season’s over,” he said. “This team just had an ability to get in a funk and not be able to resurge and find a common thread and turn things around. I never really had a team like that that couldn’t make adjustments and learn from mistakes.”
“We got SWEPT by DALLAS, dude. WT fuckin F! I can’t deal with these dicks or this kind of shame ever again.”
What are we all doin’ tomorrow night? A little birdie tells me that Kobe’s having a par-tay!
And it sure ain’t to celebrate his Lakers’ mortifying loss on Wednesday to the Cleveland Cavs.
Rather, tomorrow the 5-time NBA champ, 2-time NBA Finals MVP, Olympic Gold Medalist and DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer will receive an honor that no other athlete has ever received: cement prints in front of Hollywood’s Grauman’s Chinese Theater.
And before you any of you start grossing me out by wondering aloud how big those hand and footprints are (seriously, BLEGH) please allow me to direct our attention back to the far more important headline: THERE’S GONNA BE A RAGER! You too can attend, if you have $350 to $4,000 to spend on an evening in sorta-proximity to basketball’s most talented douchetool.
According to TMZ, this over-the-top, “Asian-themed” bash is not one to miss.
The party is supposed to be INSANE — with organizers dropping roughly $50,000 to give Boulevard 3 nightclub an Asian-themed makeover in honor of Kobe enshrining his hands and feet at Grauman’s Chinese Theater earlier that day. … including a 15-foot custom made dragon.
A CUSTOM MADE DRAGON! Pish. If we had 50 Gs to spend on an “Asian theme,” you bet your ass we wouldn’t party without:
- Pai Gow poker
- Crab legs
- A “Math Bar.” What’s your pleasure: Multiplication, division, addition, subtraction, exponents, integers? You pick! Continue reading If You Aren’t Going To Be An NBA Champ This Year, You May As Well Throw A Sweet Party
Filed under: "Asian Themes", All-Star Weekend, Asians Love Gambling, Boulevard 3, Cleveland Cavaliers, Disgragers, firsts, Hardass Asian Parents, Hollywood, Huh?, Idiotic LA Events, Kobe Bryant, Kobe Bryant Gets Cement Prints At Hollywood's Grauman's Chinese Theater, Kobe Bryant Handprints, LA Lakers, Laker Hate, NBA, Say buh-bye to that big gold ball
Like I mentioned last week, I don’t know a lot about soccer–but I dig the aggro gentleman’s sport (and the gentlemen that play it) and I truly respect that it’s The World’s Game. So this weekend, when I wasn’t reading the July 2010 issue of Martha Stewart Living (it has such cute pies on the cover!), or happily booing Ron Artest at the free throw line, I was watching solid hours of sweet-ass international soccer.
Here’s what a learned:
a) Sucks to be Robert Green.
b) No, seriously. It sucks.
c) Japan fans rule.
Continue reading What I Learned From A Weekend Of Watching World Cup Soccer
Filed under: Aggro Guys, Asian Guilt, Asians Aren't Lazy, Awesome Japanese Behavior, England Vs. United States Tie World Cup Game, Gentleman's Sports, Germany Vs. Australia 4-0, Germany World Cup Soccer, LA Lakers, Laker Hate, Laziness Is So Not Asian, Martha Stewart Living, Productive Ways To Spend The Weekend, Robert Green, Ron Artest, Soccer, Soccer Players, Soccer Players Are So Hot, World Cup, World Cup Soccer
Did y’all happen to notice the halftime show during Game 2 of the so-far-tragic Suns/Lakers Western Conference Finals, which aired live last night?
If not, you missed this spectacular spectacle:
A little homework has revealed that this multitasking unicyclist is no NBA rookie. Her name is Krystal Liu, but her performing name is: KRYSTAL, THE RED PANDA ACROBAT. And she does tons of halftime shoes for NCAA Basketball and NBA games. Those are BOWLS she’s balancing on her head while riding around on a one-wheeled, zillion-feet-tall cycle while wearing a mini-jumper. CERAMIC BOWLS! MINI-JUMPER! THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!
But come on, guys… homegirl is SO not a red panda. I know a fuzzin’ panda when I see one.
[USA Today: Lakers Hold Off Suns To Take 2-0 Lead In Western Finals]
[Talent Entertainment: Red Panda]
Filed under: Asian Woman Balances Bowls On Her Head While Riding A Very Tall Unicycle, Balancing Act, Bizarre Talents, Halftime Shows, Krystal Liu, Krystal The Red Panda Acrobat, LA Lakers, Lakers Up 2-0, Phoenix Suns, This Shit is Real, Unicycles, Weird American Behavior, Western Conference Finals
Remember Tze Chun’s film, Children of Invention–the one that racked up all those awards and accolades during the festival rounds last year? It’s hitting theaters in New York and Los Angeles for a week, starting tonight.
Both cities offer Q&A sessions with filmmaker and talent. See showtimes below:
Look, we know everyone’s busy… but there’s a small window (barely a week!) to see this Continue reading New Yawkers/Angelenos, Time To Hit The Thea-tuh [Children Of Invention Theatrical Debut]
Filed under: Accolades, Asian-American Movies, Awards, Children of Invention, Everybody Loves a Winner, Festival Darlings, Filmmakers, Indie Movies, LA, LA Lakers, Movie Theaters, New York, NYC, Popcorn, Pyramid Schemes, Theatrical Release, Tze Chun
The good news is that this is potentially the cutest fucking thing I have ever seen.
Which means we at DISGRASIAN™ may be finished.
Goddamn you, Jasmine. Goddamn you! (Oh wait!! I’ve still got it…!)
Filed under: Adorable-ness, Baby Pandas In A Crib? Seriously?, Icy Hearts, Intern Jasmine, Jessica Simpson, LA Lakers, Pandas Are Sickeningly Cute, Taking a Hating Break, Tila Tequila, Unfamiliar Warm Feelings
Congrats to the Lakers on winning their 15th championship Sunday night!!! Most especially to shooting guard Sun Yue, aka the Luckiest Mofo Evar, who’s the 5th Chinese baller to play in the NBA and only the 2nd Asian player to win a championship.
DUDE. You’re AWESOME. You sign with the Lakers in August, get mono, delay your start until December, play in only 10 games before getting sent down to the Developmental League (“D-League” for short, like “D-List” or “D-Student”), return to the Lakers just in time for the playoffs, where you play 0 games…and still manage to get a ring. DUDE. I mean, DUDE. That takes mad skillz!!! Your ability to never come off the bench makes you a prime candidate down the road for 6th Man of the Year (or Invisible Man, I’m not sure which). Your fist-bump stroke is absolutely gen-i-us. And the way you park it on the sidelines the way big men park it in the paint? Quite frankly, the stuff of legends.
Speaking of legends, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, and Patrick Ewing all committed harakiri late Sunday night when they discovered that Sun Yue has a ring now and they still don’t, and that, no, this was not just some horribly cruel joke.
Filed under: Championships, Chinese Basketball Players, Failing Upward, Fakers, Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers, Los Angeles Lakers, Lucky Bastards, NBA, Pau Gasol Is the Ugliest Dude in the NBA, Rings, Sun Yue, Winners
Transcript of the phone conversation I had with my Hardass Asian Mama the other night:
H.A.M.: Jen, I need to talk to you about something important.
JEN: Uh, okay, but I kinda need to go…[internal monologue: Oh shit, what the fuck did I do now?]
H.A.M.: It’s about–
JEN: [The fact that I haven't made millions despite my Ivy League education that you paid for, and am therefore kind of a failure? Or that time I had sex in your house years ago and you overheard? *dies* Or the fact that I haven't yet given you a grandchild, which also means I'm kind of a failure?]
H.A.M.: It’s about that Lady in Purple.
JEN: Oooooh! Oh yeah! That lady! Our Jack Nicholson! Great! What about her? [Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! Painfully awkward conversation averted!]
H.A.M.: I don’t think she’s a lady. I mean, how do you know she’s a lady?
JEN: Uh, um, I don’t know. I just assumed she was. I think I’ve seen her wear earrings before.
JEN: I mean, I dunno, maybe she’s not a lady?
H.A.M.: You know, Chiang Kai-shek had a granddaughter or some relation who liked to dress like a man. Maybe she’s Chiang Kai-shek’s granddaughter.
JEN: Wow. Weird.
H.A.M.: Yeah, weird. So, about that time you had sex in my house…
Okay, so that last part is made-up, but in related news (not to sex in my parents’ house, but to the Maybe-Lady in Purple)…the Lakers evened up the series with the Rockets last night, 111-98. Boo.
I don’t really watch basketball much anymore. The timing of its season is all wrong, sandwiched between football and baseball. Plus I think the refs have too much control over the game. But I’m making an exception for the Rockets-Lakers series (Rockets took Game 1 last night–Yaoooo!), because almost nothing would make me happier than seeing my childhood hometown team crush the team that happens, unfortunately, to play in my grown-up hometown. (I know that’s convoluted, but there’s no way you’re going to get me to say “my grown-up hometown team” about the Lakers; I side with the sad sack Clippers, anyway.)
Again, who the hell is this lady? No one seems to know, but several people on the interwebz seem convinced she’s in a triad, and it’s rumored that she gets chauffeured around town in a Maybach. I’m totally dying to see her closet, which I imagine is only filled with purple and gold-colored clothes. Does she ever wear, like, green, I wonder? What’s her beverage of choice at the Staples Center? Is she gay, straight, or unicorn?
The point is, Asian Lady Superfan, YOU FASCINATE ME. Hit me up on Twitter and let’s talk! Please, please, pretty please, I’m not ashamed to beg.
(Okay, I’m, like, really ashamed to beg a diehard Laker fan, but whatever, I can get over that, if you give us an exclusive and the Lakers go down in, say, 5.)
Listen, I don’t want to knock Emily Ho, profiled this week by LA Weekly’s Jonathan Gold, whose meteoric rise from Lakers fan girlfriend to Sasha “The Machine” Vujacic enthusiast to webmaster of the Official Site of the shooting guard is nothing to sniff at.
There’s a part of me that wants to hate– the reallyreallybitchy part of me that first and foremost despises the fucking Lakers (Uh, no, I do not care how good they are). And carries a deep, personal aversion to Lakers fan girlfriends, like my college roommate (who knew dog piddle about hoops when I met her, but to impress her grad school beau, began sporting yellow-and-purple tanks, yelling at the TV for players on the wrong team, and doubting my knowledge of key player trades–something she had, in just one season, not yet witnessed).
This icky thing inside of me also starts snippy, snarling fights with ladies in pumps and half-tops that pretend to watch ball at sports bars without ever turning towards the screen. And it deeply protests the manufacture of team jerseys in pink for female fans, since they don’t contribute to a team’s color domination of a stadium–and overall are cheesy, embarrassing, and offensive. This aspect of me will try to remain silent on the topic of Emily Ho.
A nicer (albeit smaller) part of me celebrates Ho’s opportunity, as well as her commitment to a competitive sport. And thinks it’s just great that her Vujacic official site, which seems primarily trafficked by enthusiastic females (and is loved and supported by the player and his family), isn’t just a virtual beer garden loaded up with stats, action shots, and sports trivia. Instead it’s a fun, girly, window-into-the-celebrity-soul kinda space, featuring interviews with fans and sexy desktop designs; where the athlete Twitters and answers novice questions like, “What’s the best thing about being on the Lakers?” In a way, it lowers the bar of entry in terms of committed fandom of Mr. Vujacic, if not the team and the sport as well: Why focus on a player’s numbers when you might just like his headwear? Why can’t sports enthusiasm be emotional? Why can’t it be about attraction? Why can’t it be about swarthy skin and flowing hair?
Okay, I’ll say it: As if the bar wasn’t low enough.
But last night, as I watched the Lakers do a number on the Utah Jazz (save for that nail-biter of a 4th quarter) to advance in the playoffs, yet another (but still very grouchy) part of me rumbled a little. It must have been Vujacic in his stupid black headband, celebrating his big, dumb team’s victory in the series, or something. But I couldn’t help but think about how his official site would soon be buzzing with rabid girl fans hurriedly typing out their post-playoff-game burners: “Is there a locker room afterparty?” or “Does Gatorade in your clothes get sticky?” or “How often do you wash your hair?” By God, it made me crazy to think that his Twitter followers would soon be lauding him for how cute he looked at the line, instead of the intensity of his game.
And I just couldn’t hold it back anymore. So here I go:
I HATE SASHA VUJACIC’S OFFICIAL SITE. IT’S REALLY FUCKING LAME AND SHAMELESS, EVEN FOR A LAKER.
(Fine, I’m a player hater.)
Filed under: Basketball, Bloggers, Emily Ho, Haterasian, LA Lakers, Men Should Never Wear Headbands And For that Matter Neither Should Women, NBA, Pink Jerseys, Professional Athletes, Sasha Vujacic, The Machine
ZAC: Yeah, baby.
VANESSA: [eyeing Zac sweetly] I love you…
ZAC: [eyes aglaze] Mmhmm.
VANESSA: Ahem. I love you…
ZAC: Yep. [frowning suddenly] Babe, these seats are courtside. Aren’t you watching the game?
VANESSA: Yes, but for some reason, I feel like I hate Kobe.
ZAC: Hunh. I don’t see why. Don’t you at least find him kinda hot? I think he–I mean, if I was a girl–I’d think he was pretty hot.
VANESSA: [slightly thrown] Well I, uh, I mean yeah, I guess I’m with you, there. He’s hot.
ZAC: Totally. I was actually thinking of buying that $100,000 vintage tennis racquet he signed.
VANESSA: Why on earth would you do that?
ZAC: Because you also get lunch with Kobe at Carl’s Jr.!
VANESSA: You never eat at Carl’s Jr.! You said it makes people fat!
ZAC: Well, I would go if Kobe were there.
VANESSA: [eyes narrowing] What about me?
ZAC: What about you? Are you bidding, too?
VANESSA: [smacks forehead with her hand]
ZAC: I look kinda like a dark knight tonight.
VANESSA: [peeved] You look like a poseur.
ZAC: I’m a rebel without a cause!
VANESSA: In what way are you a rebel? Tell me. Is it the paycheck you get from Disney or the facial you got on Monday?
ZAC: Well, my hair, for one.
VANESSA: You have fifteen gallons of Bumble & Bumble in your hair. You look like you’re in the sequel to Hairspray.
ZAC: I’m wearing all black! This is real leather!
VANESSA: [sneering] My ex-boyfriend was a real rebel. He wore pleather.
ZAC: You stop that right now.
VANESSA: What’s wrong… jealous?
ZAC: Pleather is just…tacky. They give my thighs a rash.
VANESSA: I don’t quite know what to say.
ZAC: What’d you say?
VANESSA: Nothing. Just watching the game. Go Knicks.
True story: my mom pushed up my birth date so that she could attend my dad’s PhD ceremony. She told a little white lie about being in labor to our family doctor, was admitted to the hospital, and I was induced shortly thereafter, weighing in at a healthy 7+ pounds. A week of so later, I was tucked in the crook of her arm, watching my dad glide across a stage in a cap and gown, christened at the start into the religion of higher learning.
I couldn’t help thinking of this story when I heard that Daisuke Matsuzaka and his wife Tomoyo inserted Baby Dice, a boy weighing 6 pounds, 10 ounces, into the starting lineup on Saturday. Congratulasians, Matsuzakas!
The baby’s original due date had been March 19, the day the Red Sox fly to Tokyo for their season opener against the A’s. “(I)f Matsuzaka’s new baby interferes with the team’s trip to Japan,” MLB.com reported, and with Beckett and Schilling injured, the team would have started Jon Lester in the first game. With all due respect to Honorasian Jon Lester…Jon Lester?!? But, fortunately for Red Sox Nasian, Baby Dice came early, Daddy Dice was named the opening day starter this morning, and all of Japan’s chowderheads heaved a huge sigh of relief.
Was it killer timing? Divine intervention from the baseball gods? I think I’m going to have to consult Moms on this one.
Dude. I watched so much b-ball this weekend, I feel like my eyes are still dribbling. Without a doubt, the most exciting game for me was watching the Houston Rockets take down the L.A. Fakers. By beating L.A., with whom they were tied for first place in the Western Conference, the Rockets also extended their winning streak to 22-0, 10-0 sans Yao, who’s out for the season with a foot fracture. This is the second-longest streak in NBA history. You may remember that I predicted the Rockets, who were in 10th place when Yao got injured, would fall apart without him. Color me corrected! Tomorrow night, Houston faces the Boston Celtics and the best record in the NBA. We will rock you, KG!!!