DISGRASIAN™

But What Does ‘Japanime Britney’ DO?

Britney Spears at Thursday's Sacramento debut of her North American "Femme Fatale" tour

BRITNEY: Y’all, I can’t believe that opening night of this tour has gone on without an itch! I’m so excited, ladies, I wanna poop my pants!

DANCER (LEFT): Brit, I think what you mean is “off without a hitch.”

DANCER (RIGHT): Yeah, it’s definitely “hitch.”

BRITNEY: Wait, y’all sure? My mama always said without an “itch,” and that makes sense to me ’cause I would never want to get all itchy durin’ a show! Y’know?

DANCER (LEFT): Oh yeah! That makes sense. Maybe we’re wrong.

DANCER (RIGHT): Yeah, maybe we’re wrong. We’ll Wikipedia it later.

BRITNEY: Focus, ladies! We’re rocking “Japanime Britney” right now!!! Can y’all believe that Goco pulled this costume off in a HALF HOUR?

DANCER (RIGHT): Yeeeeeeeeup.

DANCER (LEFT): [cautiously] Girrrl!

BRITNEY: No, like the WHOLE THING.

DANCER (RIGHT): Hunh. I would’ve figured something more along the lines of fifteen minutes.

BRITNEY: Mmm. Well he works REALLY fast.

Continue reading But What Does ‘Japanime Britney’ DO?

Filed under: Britney Spears, Britney Spears Comeback, Britney Spears Femme Fatale Tour, Britney Spears Scary, Gwen Stefani, Harajuku Girls, Japan, L.A.M.E., Racial Drag, Racial Drag That's Boring, Tsunami, Unflattering Footwear, World's Ugliest Kimono Minis, Zaldy Goco

Love. Angel. Rino. Baby.

Hey, did ya hear the good news? One of the Harajuku Slaves is free. She can be seen Thursday nights on MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew with her fly b-girl group, Beat Freaks. As Lil’ Mama would say, they dance harrrd. As Shane Sparks would say, they rip it. As vest-wearing blowhard JC Chasez would say…oh, who cares what vest-wearing blowhard JC Chasez would say?!

You may know this Harajuku Slave as “Music.” Or that tall Harajuku Girl. Maybe you, like most people, never bothered to distinguish among the four of them and really look at their individual faces, bodies, dance styles, or personalities, because the Harajuku Slaves have always been dolled up in matching outfits and geisha makeup and forced to trail their blonde big-boned owner in silence and that was the point, really, that they were all supposed to look alike and be stripped of their individual identities and be referred to en masse as “The Harajuku Girls,” riiiiiiight?

Anyhoo, true to freed slave tradition, “Music” now has a real full name: Rino Nakasone-Razalan. And homegirl is hawt, even without geisha makeup, if you can imagine. And she’s got really dope moves. And she’s part of a female hip-hop dance group who’s inspiring girls all over the country that they can do anything boys can do, backwards and in heels.

Never mind that Rino was part of a hideous cultural phenomenon on par with “Love You Long Time” that will have Asian chicks for the next generasian fighting to be seen as real people with real names and real voices and distinct personalities and not just “Harajuku Girls.” Oh well, whatever, nevermind. Why nitpick on such a historic occasion? The point is, she’s free! Free at last, free at last, God Almighty, Rino Nakasone-Razalan is free at last!!!

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Filed under: America's Best Dance Crew, Beat Freaks, Free the Harajuku Girls, Gwen Stefani, Harajuku Slaves, L.A.M.E., Love. Angel. Music. Baby., Rino Nakasone, Rino Nakasone-Razalan

Who Needs Mannequins When You’ve Got Harajuku Girls?

Our feelings of disgust toward Gwen Stefani and her Harajuku Slaves ebb and flow like the tide at Zuma Beach (Gwen’s second spawn’s namesake). Sometimes–between concert tours when the Harajuku Girls are on furlough–we get snookered into thinking that Gwen’s just a big-boned girl trying to balance fame, motherhood, crap songwriting, and exercise anorexia. Then we see promotional stunts like the one that went down in the windows of Bloomingdale’s on 59th Street this morning…

…and we remember all over again why we hate that no-talent cow.

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Thanks, Mary!

Filed under: Everything About Gwen Stefani Sucks Ass, Exercise Anorexia, Free the Harajuku Girls, Harajuku Lovers, L.A.M.E., Mannequasians, Mannequins, No Talent-Cows, People as Accessories

Lost & Found

SUN: Psst. Jin. Did we make it off the island?

JIN: I don’t know. It kinda looks like we’re still here.

SUN: Yeah, I know, but I feel like we’re not really here.

JIN: So we ARE in a time warp?

SUN: No, that’s not it. I mean, I’ve just been hearing a lot of things lately, like, “Where did that cute Korean couple go? I haven’t seen them around. They were just starting to make things work. What happened to them?” and I’m afraid that, uh–

JIN: Yeah?

SUN: I’m afraid we’ve become invisible.

JIN: Whoa. Like, this island has made us invisible? Just like it made my junk work and got you preggo?

SUN: Uh-huh.

JIN: Sheeit.

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Filed under: Invisible People, L.A.M.E., Lost, Mutasians, Time Warps, Where the Fuck Are Jin and Sun?

Fashismista Revealed!

Yesterday, we polled you guys on who the mystery fashismista was that showed up at Chloe “Actor-Fashism Icon-Second Wife-Designer” Sevigny’s launch party for her Opening Ceremony collection.

Most of you thought that the lady in that funkay fedora, batwing bib, skinny jeans, and bondage mules was Risa Ring:

Was it the word “sublebrity” that gave it away? Or was it the overall hideosity of the outfit?

I must now confess that the poll was rigged. The lady in the photo was none of the gals listed. The lady is, in fact, not a lady at all:

It’s Zaldy “Rhymes With Coco” Goco, the former designer of Gwen Stefani’s L.A.M.E. label!

Surprise!

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Filed under: Chloe Sevigny, Dude Looks Like a Lady, Fashism, Gwen Is a Man, L.A.M.E., Lisa Ling, Opening Ceremony, Zaldy Goco

So You Think You Can Dress?

Many of us will be watching for DISGRASIAN dabbler Lauren Gottleib–oh, shucks, I mean “Misha Chan”– to stake her claim for the top 4 of So You Think You Can Dance? tonight.

Let’s all pray that she doesn’t make the same fashion faux pas she did last week:

Girrrl! You don’t think we recognize a L.A.M.B. hoodie when we see one?

AUGH!… LAUREN/MISHA!!! Consider yourself filed at DISGRASIAN HQ in a folder labeled “Repeat Offenders.” If it’s not dabbling, sweetheart, we’re talking about full-on ADDICTION.

Step it down, Gottlieb/Chan. You’re on thin ice.

See Lauren/Misha’s L.A.M.E.–sorry, L.A.M.B.–performance here. Or remember why we’ve got our eye on her in first place.

Thanks, Ruanes!

Filed under: L.A.M.E., Lauren Gottlieb, Misha Chan, Of Course She Loves Gwen, So You Think You Can Dance?

Put Your Hands Up, Step Away From the Disgrasian

Reunited members of No Doubt, earlier this week after a day of recording

Filed under: Bollywood, Everything About Gwen Stefani Sucks Ass, L.A.M.E., No Doubt, Racial Drag, Wake Up And Smell the Coffee

"L" is for Loser

The first ads for Gwen Stefani’s perfume, L, have hit the web. You can pre-order the fragrance now, although I must warn you, it has top notes of poo and a heart of jasmine, peach blossom, and vomit.

“Why am I all wet? Cuz I stink. No, really…I reek.”

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Filed under: Free the Harajuku Girls, Gwen Stefani, L.A.M.E., Things That Smell Like Ass

Gwen Stefani Makes People Sick

The state of New Joisey is all in a tizzy over underage drinking after 13 minors were hospitalized following–surprise!!–a GWEN STEFANI CONCERT. But I gotta ask, was it REALLY the alkeyhol that did those teens in? Or was it…

Gag

Barf

BLEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHH

Oh. God. I don’t feel so good. Overdosing on ricist imagery. Somebody call 911.

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Filed under: Free the Harajuku Girls, Gwen Stefani, L.A.M.E., Ricism, Vomit

Can You Hear Us Now?

Last week, Verizon dropped their sponsorship of Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escape tour because the communications company does not support yellow slavery.

Okay, that’s a white lie. Maybe it had something to do with Gwen’s opening act Akon allegedly sexually accosting a teenage girl on stage in Trinidad. Verizon has, nevertheless, bailed on these two sorry EXPLOITASIANISTAS.

Corporate America, follow Verizon’s example, and Free the Harajuku Girls!

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Filed under: Akon, Even Corporate America Thinks This Shit is Unacceptable, Exploitasianistas, Free the Harajuku Girls, Gwen Stefani, L.A.M.E.

Gwen Stefani Bitten in the Ass

Sarah Jessica Parker, who will be introducing her own fashion line, Bitten, this summer, takes a bite out of Gwen Stefani in the latest issue of Glamour, calling Stefani’s L.A.M.B. label “avant-garde” and too “high fashion.” SJP even goes as far as to say, “”I don’t want to do that for women, because that’s not their lives.”

Avant-garde?

Too high-fashion?

I would call L.A.M.E. “avant-tard” and “too high-drag queen,” but you, Sarah Jessica, are a far more generous soul than I.

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Filed under: Bitch Fights, Bitten, Fashism, Gwen Stefani, L.A.M.E., Sarah Jessica Parker

Who’s the Bigger Disgrasian?

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Filed under: American Idol, Free the Harajuku Girls, Gwen Stefani, L.A.M.E., Too Close to Call