You are currently browsing posts tagged with Kobe Bryant

If You Aren’t Going To Be An NBA Champ This Year, You May As Well Throw A Sweet Party

February 18th, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

What are we all doin’ tomorrow night? A little birdie tells me that Kobe’s having a par-tay!

And it sure ain’t to celebrate his Lakers’ mortifying loss on Wednesday to the Cleveland Cavs.

Rather, tomorrow the 5-time NBA champ, 2-time NBA Finals MVP, Olympic Gold Medalist and DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer will receive an honor that no other athlete has ever received: cement prints in front of Hollywood’s Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

And before you any of you start grossing me out by wondering aloud how big those hand and footprints are (seriously, BLEGH) please allow me to direct our attention back to the far more important headline: THERE’S GONNA BE A RAGER! You too can attend, if you have $350 to $4,000 to spend on an evening in sorta-proximity to basketball’s most talented douchetool.

According to TMZ, this over-the-top, “Asian-themed” bash is not one to miss.

The party is supposed to be INSANE — with organizers dropping roughly $50,000 to give Boulevard 3 nightclub an Asian-themed makeover in honor of Kobe enshrining his hands and feet at Grauman’s Chinese Theater earlier that day. … including a 15-foot custom made dragon.

A CUSTOM MADE DRAGON! Pish. If we had 50 Gs to spend on an “Asian theme,” you bet your ass we wouldn’t party without:

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Could This Kobe Any Easier?

February 5th, 2010 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

Yeah, Kobe, you know we don’t love you. Or like you, even.


But hot damn… sometimes you make our job  SO EASY.

Continue reading Could This Kobe Any Easier?

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Sun Yue, Luckiest Mofo Evar

June 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Congrats to the Lakers on winning their 15th championship Sunday night!!! Most especially to shooting guard Sun Yue, aka the Luckiest Mofo Evar, who’s the 5th Chinese baller to play in the NBA and only the 2nd Asian player to win a championship.

L.A. Lakers Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, and the Luckiest Mofo Evar

DUDE. You’re AWESOME. You sign with the Lakers in August, get mono, delay your start until December, play in only 10 games before getting sent down to the Developmental League (“D-League” for short, like “D-List” or “D-Student”), return to the Lakers just in time for the playoffs, where you play 0 games…and still manage to get a ring. DUDE. I mean, DUDE. That takes mad skillz!!! Your ability to never come off the bench makes you a prime candidate down the road for 6th Man of the Year (or Invisible Man, I’m not sure which). Your fist-bump stroke is absolutely gen-i-us. And the way you park it on the sidelines the way big men park it in the paint? Quite frankly, the stuff of legends.

Speaking of legends, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, and Patrick Ewing all committed harakiri late Sunday night when they discovered that Sun Yue has a ring now and they still don’t, and that, no, this was not just some horribly cruel joke.

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Ko-ching-chong-be Bryant

May 5th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Speaking of the L.A. Fakers, how did I miss the launch of Kobe’s Chinese-language blog back in January, where he went in full racial drag as one of us?


I swear he stabbed himself near the eye because even he knew what ka-ching-chong foolery that get-up was.

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Gwyn or Lose

February 3rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Fuck the haters!

MY GOODNESS! “FUCK THE HATERS?” Is Gwyneth Paltrow taking cues from DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamers Kobe and Tila, or just trying desperately to strategically sully her organic-cotton-Coldplay-and-Apple-babies-yoga-granola image?

As she “spilled” to OK! Magazine: “I’m probably less square than people think,” she insists. “I never get drunk to the point of throwing up. But I get very talkative.”

Oh, she gets talkativezzZZZzZzZZZZzzz when zzZshezzZZzz ZzzzZdrinkszzzzZzZzz! I’m sure that would cool our hating jets if we caredzzZZZzzzZzZZz.

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Former BFFs Make Ka-Headlines

September 10th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

1. Ka-Kobe

Kobe Bryant just wrapped a five-city “Kobe Supernatural Asia Tour 2007,” or, as I like to call it, “Ka-Ching-Chong Kobe’s Superdesperate Search for People Who Don’t Despise Him Tour.” To Ka-Kobe’s credit, he did find young fans in Manila, who chanted his name and, according to MSNBC, “touted (him) as a role model for children.”

Which begs the question…Manila, what the F is wrong with you?

2. Ka-vorce

The AP reported last week that Shaquille O’Neal, fresh off his own Ka-Ching-Chong tour of China, has filed for divorce from his wife of five years, Shaunie. In his filing, Shaqa-Ching-Chong asked his soon-to-be ex for a “‘correct accounting of all money, funds, stocks, bonds, and other securities’ that she had access to or obtained during the marriage.”

Sounds like he’s worried that she might make off with half, meaning she would get the Ka-Ching, and Shaq, most ironically, would be left with only…the Chong. Ouch.

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: F*ck Cristal

September 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

TMZ reported Monday that Kobe “Beef Boy” Bryant got into a champagne-buying-duel with ferret-faced poker player Antonio Esfandiari at a club opening in Vegas. The story allegedly goes like this: Esferretdiari buys two bottles of Cristal, Beef Boy sees this and buys five, Esferretdiari buys ten, and then Beef Boy buys fifteen bottles of Cristal, racking up a $21,000 tab before leaving the club.

(LONG SIGH). (LONGER SIGH). (FEELINGS OF SADNESS AND CONFUSION).

Oh Kobe. You…stupefying dumbass. Anyone who’s ever listened to me on my soapbox knows that you and I will never see eye-to-eye. So to be perfectly blunt, why the fuck do you do shit like this? A Cristaaaaaaaaaaaal-off? Really? Did you not receive Jay-Z’s memo on that stupid yellow bottle of hype? Do you have a head injury, amnesia, or are you in a fugue state that has made you believe the year is 1999 and bling is still king? You do realize that you are arguably the most talented basketball player in the UNIVERSE, and yet you’re playing the most amateur version of Let’s Put Our Dicks on the Table with…a rodent?

I give up. You’re beyond help.

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Pirates of the Caribbean: Part ZZZzzzZZzzzZZZzz

May 21st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Pirates of the Caribbean: End of the World At World’s End premiere happened Saturday at the Happiest Place On Earth in Anaheim. Wake me when it’s over.

A hot look I like to call, Portentous Pretentious
Manwich Alert
A happy family

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN

May 9th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between

1. A Day Late and a Dollar Short
This is the theme of today’s Sports Illustrasian edition, because I meant to post yesterday but had my head too far up the fashism industry’s asshole. We’ve got so much to talk about…why don’t we start with the NBA? The first round of playoffs is over, so it’s time to review who came up short, why, and what needs to happen in the off-season.

a) Booyao!
Just look at that sad mug. Yao and T-Mac put up a good fight, but the Rockets simply didn’t have enough “O” against the Utah Jazz. My anxiety? The era of dominant center-basketball is almost done-zo. The next wave is all about speed–look at Phoenix, Golden State, Chicago, Cleveland (well, mostly LeBron), and even Detroit.

Off-season Priorities: Shopping for a third-scoring option. Running with cheetahs.

b) Rhymes with “Shitzki”
Dear Dirk, Love your game, and that you’re proof there a few white men left in the world who can jump, but, seriously, you choked in Game 6. Finishing 2-for-13 with eight points in an elimination game against the 8TH SEED? How do you say disgraceful in German?

Off-season Priorities: Polishing his MVP trophy while learning the English-language idiom, “in the clutch.”

c) Beef Boy Basketball
Nothing to add here, really, except…BU-HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA BU-HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAAAAAA!!!

Off-season Priorities: Acquiring teammates who know how to win. Acquiring a winning personality. Fah-reaking out as LeBron James blows up even more. Sulking.

2. Black or Green or Purple or Yellow or Whatever, The Schillster’s Always Good for a Soundbite
Yesterday morning on the radio, Curt Schilling ripped Barry Bonds for taking ‘roids, cheating on his wife and sullying the game of baseball. When asked about the racial divide among those who believe Bonds is a juicer and those who don’t, the Schillster said, “…I don’t care that he’s black, or green, or purple, or yellow, or whatever. It’s unfortunate.”

After getting ripped himself by the media, the Schillster apologized to Balco Barry on his personal blog, 38pitches.com. Oh please. At least he had the balls to say what’s on most everyone else’s minds, as Bonds moves closer to faking history.

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Reverse Successism

May 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Yesterday, the AP reported on NBA players’ reactions to the study that concluded officiating was biased. Kobe “Beef Boy” Bryant said, “I think I’ve gotten more techs from black refs than white refs…That’s reverse racism probably.”

Beef Boy. Think about it. If you’ve gotten more technical foul calls from black refs, and you think that’s “reverse racism,” then you would have to be wh–


Wait. What am I doing? I’m totally burying the headline:

Sun sets on Lakers

“Suns 119 Lakers 110: Nash and Co. beat Los Angeles in five”

Kobe Beef Tartar…yum!

Racism Schmacism! Fakers lose in 5!

Click here for full story.

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN

April 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between


1. RIP, David Halberstam
Writer/historian David Halberstam was killed in a car accident yesterday in Northern California. Our deepest condolences go out to his family. I’m going to miss Halberstam’s wholly original take on sports, his dismissiveness of cliches and accepted truths when it came to superstar athletes, and the cranky, contrarian humanity he brought to watching the game.

2. 2 IS FOR 2-0
The Houston Rockets took a 2-0 lead over the Utah Jazz in their first-round playoff series.

“In your face, Boozer! I’m sorry, your name is Boozer? I was named after a King. Booyao!

3. Yin and Yang Get It Up the Yinyang Courtesy of the Phoenix Suns

“Bryant Fades As Suns Take Down Lakers”–WHAT?!? SHOCKER! LIES!! STOP HATING ON KOBE!!!

Game 2 tipoff is at 7:30 pm on TNT.

4. 4 Is the Magic Number
History was made Sunday at Fenway when the Red Sox beat the Yankees 7-6, sweeping the series. It was not Daisuke “Sir Dice-A-Lot” Matsuzaka’s best outing, but he was bailed out by teammates Manny Ramirez, J.D. Drew, Mike Lowell, and Jason Varitek, who all homered one after the other in the 3rd.

4 CONSECUTIVE HOMERS off ONE PITCHER–that’s happened one other time in MLB history. Some mathletes have calculated there’s a 1 in 1.4 million chance of us seeing it again. Chase Wright, the Yanks pitcher who got rocked, was sent down to the minors the very next day. Nice knowing ya!

5. One To Watch
This past weekend, 18 year-old, Chinese-American tennis player Vania King clinched a spot for the U.S. in the Fed Cup semis, subbing for an injured Serena Williams. Go Vania! Kick ass and take names!

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Grandma and His Posse Make Mince Meat of Kobe Beef

April 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Late Rally by Clippers Overshadows Bryant’s 50″
Sam-I-Am-Jen’s-Grandma Cassell and the Clippers overcame a 17 pt. deficit last night against the Fakers, jamming in the 4th quarter to win 118-110. Kobe Beef Boy Bryant scored 50 last night, but his last basket was at the 8:46 mark in the 4th, when the Clippers were still down by 9. Way to fade out and not score when it matters Beef Boy!


At halftime, Grandma Cassell got called out by Charles Barkley, Kenny Johnson, and Reggie Miller for being old. Which pissed Grandma off and fired him up down the stretch, keeping the Clips in the playoff race.

Most shocking, however, was the TNT post-game show, when I learned that Reggie Miller can’t say “Alabama.”

Kenny and especially Chuck, were riding Reggie for his favorite TV show choices, which were The Honeymooners, The Closer (a TNT show coincidentally), and Happy Days.

Here is the transcript of that conversation, almost verbatim (this is not one of our madeup ones, I swear):

Chuck: “Good Times and Sanford and Son are two of the greatest shows of all time.”

Reggie: “I can’t like Happy Days? I don’t know what was going on in Selma, ALBA-BAMA, ALBA-BAMA?”

Chuck: “Which one of those shows is in Alabama?”

Reggie: “Isn’t that where you grew up?”

Chuck: “Good Times, that was in Chicago, wasn’t it?”

Reggie: “Right. I didn’t know what was going on in Selma, ALMA-BAMA. I didn’t know what you were watching in Selma, ALMA-BAMA.”

Reggie, what was going in Selma Albabama Almabama was a little thing called the civil rights movement. No big whoop. It was before your time and mine, which perhaps explains why you like…The Honeymooners? Why don’t you ask big sis Cheryl–if she’s not too busy changing her hair–what Selma was all about, and maybe how to say A-LA-BA-MA. She always did strike me as the smarter Miller.

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Source: TNT

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