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ANGELINA: Because it’s cute, Mad.
MADDOX: It’s not cute. It’s more like–um, what’s the word I’m looking for–oh right…stupid.
ANGELINA: You don’t really believe that! (to self) Remember to smile, remember to smile, paparazzi everywhere. (back to Maddox) Why would you say that? Do you want to match Daddy, too? Is that it? You know we could run out and get you your own newsboy cap–
MADDOX: Ack! Mom! Seriously. That hat is gay.
ANGELINA: Mad, we don’t say things like “that hat is gay.” We’re a progressive, multiracial, multinational family, from all different socio-economic strata, and we are tolerant regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation. (to self) Don’t look pissed-off and hormonal. Don’t give anyone the death-glare. Look happy.
MADDOX: Yeah, yeah, we’ve been through all this.
ANGELINA: How would you like it if somebody said, “That hat’s so boat people”?
MADDOX: I wouldn’t care, because I’ve never been on a boat that wasn’t a yacht, and we have a private jet. Which reminds me, why did we have to fly commercial to Japan?
ANGELINA: Because, honey, we’re just like everyone else. No better, no worse. And sometimes we have to fly commercial to prove that. Just like sometimes we have to carry our own luggage and strap on our own children to our chests with our own Baby Bjorns. (to self) See, world? We’re just like you. Look how we hold our own children’s hands!
MADDOX: Ow, Mom! Speaking of hands, do you think you could ease up on mine a little?
ANGELINA: Sure thing, sweet-pea.
MADDOX: Why do we have, like, 8 people with us on the plane if they don’t carry our stuff for us when the paparazzi are around?
ANGELINA: Because not everyone has 8 people around them at all times to carry their stuff for them. And we don’t want people to think we’re better than them. Because we’re not. We’re a normal family who happens to be better looking than everyone else and makes tons more money, but other than that, we’re just people. (to self) Hear that, everybody? We’re just like you. We relate. Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful.
MADDOX: Whatever. Dad and Knox’s hats are still gay.
ANGELINA: (to self) La-di-da, isn’t life grand? I’m not mad because I’ve lost every award to that pale, babbling, criminal-dater Anne Hathaway! It’s just an honor to be nominated. And to have a beautiful husband and beautiful children! Not to mention beautiful boobs! And to be an ambassador for goodwill and peace and…and orphans! Look at my adorable orphans–and, no, I’m not talking about my beautiful boobs! We could do a production of Annie right here in Narita. The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be suuuuuunnnnn!
Filed under: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Brangelina, I Want to be Adopted by Brad and Angelina, Knox and Vivienne, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Matchy-Matchy Nightmares, Photo Op Victims, The Changeling, Zahara Jolie-Pitt
The afterbirth has barely dried on new twins Knox and Vivienne, and already rumors abound about Brangelina’s next adoption. This time, Hollywood’s It Couple are apparently shopping around for a Chinese baby. And only DISGRASIAN has the scoop on who that lucky little kid will be…
That’s right, y’all. It’s yours truly!!! Congratulatory baby gifts are totally not necessary. As you can see, I’m already stylin’ with a bitchin’ pacifier. And I can personally attest to the fact that the Brangelina Family Bed is oh-so-cozy. (Is it wrong that I think Mom and Dad are hot, and sometimes I have fantasies about a three-way with them? Just wondering.)
So, yeah, this means I’m pretty much set for life…but don’t hate!
Thanks, Jasmine, for making my dreams come true!