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Katherine Heigl to Become Less Annoying by Adopting a Korean Baby

September 10th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Somewhere on the road to becoming America’s next rom-com sweetheart, Katherine Heigl stumbled. Newsweek published a story in July trying to chart how that happened exactly, noting that the phrase “I Hate Katherine Heigl” generated twice as many results as “I Hate Tara Reid” (although Heigl is still safely behind “I Hate Gwyneth Paltrow,” which yields 52,400 results at present count).

Her first misstep? When she called Knocked Up, the work that made her a legit film star, “a little sexist,” a comment that continued to haunt her a year-and-a-half later when the movie’s director Judd Apatow and star Seth Rogen appeared on Howard Stern and mocked her for it, with Rogen adding that Heigl saying “batshit crazy things” was “kind of her bag now.” Then there was that whole Emmy nomination withdrawal kerfuffle, when she managed to look a gift horse in the mouth once again by insulting the entire writing staff of Grey’s Anatomy, who had made her a legit TV star.

The latest with Katherine Heigl is that she and her husband are adopting a special-needs baby from Korea. (Heigl’s older sister Meg was also adopted from Korea.) She broke the news first on Ellen, which will air this Friday.

So far, not even Perez Hilton–who was specifically cited in the Newsweek piece as having turned on Heigl–has had a bitchy thing to say about this. Is becoming a new mother what it’ll take to soften public opinion toward the 30 year-old actress?


All we know is that babies are a lot like crack. And Asian babies are kinda like rock that’s so addictive, it makes you forget you’re smoking crack in the first place–you’re just naturally euphoric and giddy and it’s totally normal that your windows are melting–like the stuff Whitney used to smoke that put her in hardcore denial, when she claimed that Whitney “don’t do crack” and “crack is wack.” And Asian babies make you forget, kinda the way crack does, that people suck and say stupid things and are chronically annoying, especially when they’re strapped to those same people in a cute Ecuadorian baby sling. Take a gander at aznbabyz.com if you don’t believe us, then imagine one of those little ones–with their chubby cheeks and sausage legs–attached to Katherine Heigl’s hip, and then try hatin’ on her. Pretty tough, right?

Thanks, uccloud9!

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Why Don’t I Have a Paper Heart-On?

April 22nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Overture Films announced this month that they will be distributing the indie-soft mockumentary Paper Heart, which follows Michael Cera’s real-life old lady, Charlene Yi, on a quest to understand love (a journey that, in onscreen life, leads her right to Cera).


If you happened to be paying more attention to the Presidential Inauguration than the Sundance Film Festival last January, you may have missed news that the film garnered a very positive response–pocketing the Best Screenplay Award–and not just because of offbeat, so-hot-right-now star cameos by Cera, Seth Rogen and Demetri Martin.

Why? IndieWire‘s Steve Ramos points at Yi:

If the great comedian Bob Newhart had an Asian American love child it would be Charlyne Yi. She’s the drollest comic working today and her deadpan style makes the comic documentary “Paper Heart,” premiering in dramatic competition at the Sundance Film Festival, a fresh, irreverent road comedy.

Since I adore both Bob Newhart, irreverance, and love children, I took a bit of time to watch the film’s trailer today [via Videogum]:

…and while my heart bursts (as always) every time Cera so much as says “um,” the teaser leaves me with not even an inkling to go see the film when it hits an eclectic theater near me. Worse, I now find myself stuck on a question I neither want to ask nor answer, and here it goes:

Why don’t I get Charlene Yi???

So many reasons to love her, as many of you probably do: She’s Asian-American. She’s a comedienne. She’s left-field and quirky, geeky and unafraid, doesn’t ching-chong jokes for easy laughs, doesn’t get fussy about her sloppy hair and moon face. The “New Kings of Comedy,” who I hail to, have championed her success. And I’m pretty sure that Jen loved her as an affable stoner in Knocked Up (prepare for an “Ed. Note” if I’m wrong about this)–and save for the one Yi exception, everyone knows I’m a freakin’ sucker for affable stoners!

But something in me (perhaps the something that can’t forget seeing her do criminally bad improv in Silverlake) doesn’t see her genius. It doesn’t “aww” when she scrunches up her wee little Yi nose. It won’t respond to the perma-grin that spreads across her face, like that other mediocre funnyman-of-the-moment Jimmy Fallon, whenever she’s delivering a flatironed laugh line. It doesn’t believe that her fun, fidgety shifting comes from the inside, that it’s all her own, instead of borrowed from her infectious boyfriend.

I don’t buy her deadpan. I don’t gobble her shifty comedy shuffle, which works so well for her male counterparts, when their off-script mumbling alone is enough to make their movies memorable. Does that make me sexist? Racist? Or just grumpy? I don’t really know.

All I know is that I just don’t get Charlene Yi. But I really wish I did.

[Hollywood Reporter: Overture to Release 'Paper Heart']
[Videogum: Paper Heart Trailerl]

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Thanks, Jonathan!

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Koreatherine Heigl

October 16th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


According to the National Enquirer, Katherine Heigl wants to adopt a baby from Korea–where her sister Meg was born–because she hopes that getting an Asian baby a la Angelina will do wonders for her career and make her seem less like a spoiled, self-righteous assbag who dissed both the movie that made her a box-office viability and the show writers who got her an Emmy.

Or something like that.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Levi Johnston Is a Fuckin’ Redneck Genius

September 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


McCAIN: So, is this the Impregnator?

LEVI: Impregnawhat? I’m just a fuckin’ redneck. Dude, how old are you again? Like, 126 years old? You got hella bags under your eyes, man. You should do something about that.

McCAIN: Well, I can’t, you cunt, because I can’t lift my arms high enough to put on Cindy’s expensive eye cream every night. Because I’m a fuckin’ war hero, okay? A P-O-FUCKIN’-W, ever heard of it?

LEVI: Yeah, yeah. Whatevs. I know guns are cool and shit. Don’t get your crusty panties in a twist, bro.

BRISTOL: (sighs) I love it when men fight over me. This is so romantic. Levi, I can’t wait to have your baby. And the second one, and the third, and the fourth, and the…

LEVI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. Slow down. Remember how I said I didn’t want any fuckin’ kids? Boy, you really effed up my life plans.

BRISTOL: Your life plans? What about my life plans?

LEVI: What are you fuckin’ talkin’ about? I made you. You’re set. Instead of being branded a pinhead by Bill O’Reilly and having conservatives blame your parents for this shit, you’re, like, now the poster child for the right-to-life movement. As though abortion had anything to do with our fuckin’ a lot without a condom. Think about it–you’re getting rewarded for your “morals” by puttin’ out at 17! Most kids our age would get killed for this shit, and I’m going to be on national TV instead. This is the greatest bait-and-switch in history. I’m a fuckin’ genius.

McCAIN: Kid, you are a fuckin’ genius. A cunt, but a genius cunt, nevertheless. (beat) Do you want to run my campaign?

LEVI: The dividends from fuckin’ without a condom just keep rollin’ in. Sweeeet.

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HONORASIAN: Katherine Heigl

October 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I’m not sure how I feel about Katherine Heigl. Grey’s is unwatchable, and her character is too blonde and weepy, anyway, for my taste. She was surprisingly good in Knocked Up and held her own among people much funnier than she–namely Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, and Paul Rudd. Then again, I hated what she wore to the Emmys.

That Zac Poseur dress looked as stiff as meringue, and the flaps on the sleeves called to mind three unpleasant things: origami, nuns, and maxipads with wings. It also had a bridezilla quality to it, as though the Emmys award show was her wedding and she was, like, “It’s MY day!” (which, in fact, it was, because she won).

But then I found out that Heigl has an Asian big sista, Meg, who was adopted from Korea. Meg recently got married, and Heigl was her maid of honor.

Cute, right? And then I was, like, I love Katherine Heigl! Katherine Heigl is adorable! She wasn’t good in Knocked Up, she was great! She’s the next Lucille Ball! I bet she’s interesting and smart, too!

I know, I know. I’m shamelessly ricist that way.

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