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When Worlds Collide: Tom Cruise And Tokyo

September 29th, 2010 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

Tom Cruise at the Tokyo Premiere of 'Knight and Day'

TOM CRUISE: Watch my movie!

DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: Hey Tom, what’s up bro? Can you sign something for my lady?

TOM CRUISE: You look good to me.

DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: You could sign whatever, man. Maybe her shirt? We didn’t bring anything.

TOM CRUISE: Hmm… I wonder what Suri’s wearing today? Hopefully that cute, cute, cute little Burberry dress I presented to her in a box tied with a ribbon before I left. I just love her so much. She’s totally my favorite of all my kids.

GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED: Is Tom Cruise here? I can’t see anything!

TOM CRUISE: That Cameron Diaz, what a tall drink of water. Where is she standing?


TOM CRUISE: Did any of you happen to see The Last Samurai?

MAN ON RIGHT: I did. Not the most accur–

TOM CRUISE: I am so in love with my wife, Kate! If I wasn’t here at this premiere, I would be ordering a dozen cupcakes to send to her while she’s shopping at Barney’s.

CHILD BEING HELD BY MAN ON RIGHT: I hate it here, Daddy! Can we GO?

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Celebutardasian: The Kids Edition

November 20th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Proof positive that having a baby is good for a Hollywood career: Forbes recently unveiled their second-annual “Hollywood’s Hottest Tots” list (for kids 5 and under), claiming that, in these hard times, “fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need.” Okay, sure, except half of the kids’ families are far from “picturesque,” unless that picture Forbes is referring to is an ugly one painted by breakups, breakdowns, and death (in bold):

  1. Suri Cruise
  2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
  3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
  4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
  5. Sam Alexis-Woods
  6. Cruz Beckham
  7. Matilda Ledger
  8. David Banda
  9. Sean Preston Federline
  10. Sam Sheen

It’s true, though, that people crave new things, which explains why the Jolie-Pitts, who were introduced to the world from 2005-2007 in quick succession, are on the list (Knox and Vivienne were too new, but will undoubtedly dominate next year) and why Sam Alexis Woods, born in 2007, makes the cut (as Dad Tiger always does).

But Suri Cruise wins not because her parents are either revered, pitied, or despised, but because they’re a nonstop creepfest, and that, well, that never gets old.


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Help Katie Holmes Buy a New Pair of Jeans

August 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Guys, can we be serious for one sweaty summer minute? Most of you know that my parents (as well as Diana’s) were immigrants to this country. And, like many new arrivals, they went through tough times feeding their kids, finding jobs, getting their green cards, etc. In the early part of my childhood, we were flat-broke all the time. We didn’t have money to buy a house or furniture or new cars, so we survived for years on hand-me-downs and crap from the Salvation Army. Clothes were also considered a luxury. My brother and I would only get one pair of jeans at a time, and wear them until we blew out the knees, then my mom or grandmother would patch them, then we’d wear them some more until they were faded, filthy, and totally falling apart before we could buy a new pair.

I’ve noticed lately that Katie Holmes seems to be afflicted with the same problem.

She’s been wearing one pair of jeans day in and day out, and, frankly, it hurts me to see this. The most heartbreaking thing about those jeans is that they’re not even hers! She had to borrow them just so she wouldn’t leave the house naked. That’s some messed-up shit, y’all (although, weirdly, she seems to have no shortage of shoes).

Anyway, having been through this myself, I feel like we have to do something. Like gay marriage and free speech, it’s a basic civil right to be able to own more than one pair of jeans. Diana and I have started an online petition called “Help Katie Holmes Buy a New Pair of Jeans.” Our sincerest hope is that we will garner enough signatures to convince corporate sponsors to donate a new pair of jeans to Katie. And all you have to do is sign on the dotted line.

WE REALLY NEED YOUR HELP, PEOPLE. I’m afraid Katie’s jeans don’t have much time left in them. Please don’t wait–act now.

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