DISGRASIAN™

12 Reasons To Watch Season 12 Of Dancing With The Stars

Sure, Dancing With The Stars has lost a few viewers in its old age. Apparently, last night’s Season 12 premiere pulled a smaller audience than expected (by that, I mean 22.3 million viewers), 20% down from the last season.

But it actually gained one viewer: ME (Yes, I’ve tried once before, but couldn’t stick to my guns). Now, for the first time, I watched the first performances live on TV (which I couldn’t even do for the Kate Gosselin and Bristol Palin trainwrecks)–and I think I’m in for the whole season. Why? Because there are SO MANY REASONS to watch this season. Twelve, in fact, right off the top of my head:

Reason #1: Turns out that my football boyfriend and Steelers #86 Hines Ward is light as a feather on his feet, as evidenced by his much-lauded performance with Kym Johnson. I knew it, I knew it, I knew that man could dance! And dear me, is he better to look at without all that football gear. Ward is as smooth a mover as he is fast a runner. He’s as smiley on the dance floor as he is on astroturf. And I know I’m not the first person to make the “Mmn!” sound while looking at his perfect Hines-dquarters, underdig?

Continue reading 12 Reasons To Watch Season 12 Of Dancing With The Stars

Filed under: ABC, Bosoms, Carrie Ann Inaba, Cheryl Burke, Dancing With the Stars, Dancing With The Stars Season 12, DWTS, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hines Ward, Karate Kid, Kate Gosselin, Kendra Wilkinson, Kirstie Alley, Len Goodman, Light As A Feather, Loveline, Pat Morita, Pro Athletes, Psycho Mike Catherwood, Ralph Macchio, Reasons To Watch DWTS, Sugar Ray Leonard, Wendy Williams, Wendy Williams Cries

Intern Jasmine’s Links Of The Daysian

Vaseline has created a face-whitening application for Facebook users in India to promote its Healthy White Skin Lightening Cream, because, um, yeah, that sounds really, really healthy. [Feministing]

Like AT&T in the 80′s, Ichiro Suzuki reaches out and touches someone. [MLB]

You break it, you DON’T buy it: Finally, a place for women having their lady time, in Shenyang, China. [People's Daily Online]

Tila Tequila is no longer part of Celebrity Rehab. Is it because she’s no longer a celebrity, or because she can’t be rehabilitated, or because no one gives a shit? Hmm. [RadarOnline]

Hayao Miyazaki likens iPad use to masturbation. Like that’s a problem?! [Gizmodo]

A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas already sounds like the greatest motherfuckin’ Christmas movie of all time. [MTV.com]

We can see why Prince said that the internet is over. Presenting…Kate Gosselin in a coolie hat. [Just Jared]

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Filed under: Celebrity Rehab, China, Coolie Hats Aren't Cool, Dr. Drew is not Tila's co-pilot, Feministing, Harold and Kumar, Hayao Miyazaki, Ichiro, Ichiro Suzuki, India, iPad, Kate Gosselin, Lady Time, MLB, Skin Lightening, skin whitening, They tried to make her go to rehab she said no no no, Tila Tequila, Vaseline, Vaseline is trying to whitewash y'all

Intern Jasmine’s Links Of The Daysian

4 year-old does 1,500 push-ups in 40 minutes. Speaking for myself, I can probably eat about 1,500 French fries in 40 minutes. [BuzzFeed]

In reality television news, a Kate Gosselin dating show is in the works. Hair-plug sporting, Ed Hardy wearing sunburnt d-bags need not apply. [Just Jared]

Speaking of the Gosselins, the Gosselin kids are getting $200,000 for “Kate Plus 8″. Meanwhile, papa Jon Gosselin gets $70,000 not to appear on the show. [NYDN]

You can pay $4 to throw a live chicken to lions for feeding at a wildlife park outside of Beijing. Fork over $60 and you can chuck in a live goat. Bet that new Harry Potter them park in Orlando doesn’t sound so exciting now. [AFP]

Guess who wasn’t so hot on K-pop star Rain winning an MTV Movie Award for “Biggest Badass Star”? His 2008 dance battlin’ nemesis, Stephen Colbert. [Colbert Nation - thanks, Hau!]

Filed under: Daily Diss-Patch, Intern Jasmine, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, MTV Movie Awards, Rain, Stephen Colbert

BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Kate Gosselin

Happy birthday to Kate Gosselin, who turned 35 (yes, only) on Sunday!

Single and, um, loving it...

Kate + 6

[Us: Kate Gosselin Spends 35th Birthday Away From Her Kids]

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Filed under: Addicted To Stardom, Amazian Jr., Dancing With the Stars, Gosselin Kids, Kate Gosselin, Mothers, Munchkins, Neglecting Your Family, Overbearing Mothers, Reality Stars, Reality TV, Sad

DISGWITTER OF THE WEAK! Hailey Glassman

Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin’s jilted ex, tweeted a photo yesterday–obviously phony–of the “stubby” penis she shared with Kate Gosselin and a few other mediocre chicks. (Warning: DO NOT click the picture link if you throw up easily. Or if you’re at work.)





Let me first just say that as an admirer of fine penises, I am deeply offended by this photo.

And then I will add to that statement that CALLING YOUR FORMER RIDE “NASTY” SIMPLY SHOWS THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO SETTLE AND SMOOSH YOUR MOIST ORIFICES ON A SAD, HIDEOUS DICK. Such a statement shames you far more than the owner of said penis–he didn’t have a choice.

Augh, what a wicked game Glassman is playing. It’s a contest in which nobody wins. Especially not me. I feel like I need to take a shower and watch some good porn to wash this sad image away. Or borrow my friend’s copy of Guys Gone Wild. Or my sister’s old Playgirls.

Jeez, did I ever really think that Jon Gosselin was the biggest fame whore of this bunch?

[via ONTD]
[THR: Hailey Glassman Posts Alleged Jon Gosselin Penis Photo on Twitter]

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Filed under: 15 Minutes of Fame, Airing Dirty Laundry, DISGWITTER, Famewhore Twitterers, Hailey Glassman, Hideous Dicks, Horrific Images, Jon Gosselin, Jon Gosselin's "Stubby" Penis, Kate Gosselin, Magic Weiner, Mediocre Chicks, Shameful Behavior, Shameful Sex Acts, Small Penis Jokes, Small Penises, Trash Talking, Tweets, Twitter

Holidaysians, Celebrasians, Donasians… And Giving The Gift Of Hyphen

Ladies and Gents, it’s been quite a year: Dubya left the building, Laura and Euna came back to us safely, Miley got goofy, Nadya Suleman lips got tabloid time, Kanye lost his hand, the Gosselins aired every last Garanimal of their dirty laundry, and Tiger Woods fell off his hookerbitch-lovin’ pedestal.

DISGRASIAN also got a makeover.

Frankly, we’re pooped. So we’re taking the rest of the year off for a little shaming break.

Time to go deal with important stuff!

Alright, maybe we’re a little biased because they’ve spent some of their non-profit funds photographing us this year.  But we also believe in Hyphen–what they do and how they do it is an inspirasian to us all.

Continue reading Holidaysians, Celebrasians, Donasians… And Giving The Gift Of Hyphen

Filed under: 2009, Donasians, Dubya, Euna Lee, Hyphen Cover, Hyphen Magazine, Jon Gosselin, Kanye West, Kate Gosselin, Laura Ling, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Nadya Suleman, President Barack Obama, See you in 2010, Taking a Hating Break, The Gosselins, Tiger Woods

D-I-V-O-R-C-E Spells Relief

I don’t smile when a marriage splits up. Breakups are sad and awful things, and the end of a marriage is hardly a joke–they are painful for too many parties, from the parents to the kids to the kids’ teachers to mutual friends to the restaurant managers that always give married couples a free dessert after dinner to bubbly dry cleaner ladies that love to ask about how the other half is doing. The only people that enjoy divorces are lonely, angry folks and lawyers.

This morning, I learned that Jon and Kate Gosselin, who we’ve all seen and talked about too much this year, have finally finalized their divorce.

Jon and Kate say, "Late."

By no means a happy thing, but perhaps it is cause for celebrasian… for us all. This divorce brings the horrible couple one step closer to finality–or at least to taking their idiotic conflict offline, hopefully forcing them to focus on what’s gonna neutralize all of the shit they’ve put their kids through rather than their childish back-and-forth.

Meanwhile, the rest of us can all take a deep breath and the necessary 14 seconds to forget they ever existed.

So CONGRATULASIANS, Jon and Kate. We all probably need to get some closure and move on.

[Celebrity Gossip: Jon And Kate Have Finalized Their Divorce]

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Filed under: Celebrasian, Divorce, Famous-For-Nothings, Fresh Divorces, Fucking Up Your Kids, Go Awaysian, Gosselin Kids, Gosselins Finalize Divorce, Jon and Kate Divorce, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Sad Things, The Gosselins

Caption This: Jon Gosselin’s Halloween Costume

[via BuzzFeed]

Filed under: Douchebags, Fame Whores, Hailey Glassman, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Jon Gosselin Halloween Costume, Kate Gosselin, Octomom, Reality TV, Tabloids, The Gosselins

Jon Gosselin, Abuse Victim

In an effort to fire back at his soon-to-be ex Kate Gosselin after she gave a much buzzed-about interview to Meredith Vieira on The Today Show a few weeks ago, Jon Gosselin will appear on Today show-competitor Good Morning America next week and tell “his side” of the story for the thousandth time.

ABC has already cut together a sneak peek of the interview, in which Jon intimates that Kate was gone all the time on her book tours, and that he “took a lot of abuse” from his estranged wife.

As I watched this latest installment of He Said, She Said from the reality TV couple, I couldn’t help thinking of that 1979 cult horror classic, When a Stranger Calls. You know, the one starring frizzy, funny-eyed Carol Kane as a babysitter who keeps getting crank calls from a deranged dude asking, “HAVE YOU CHECKED THE CHILDREN?”

Have they checked the children? You know, the eight children they have together? The children who’re growing up with the rich inheritance of seeing both their parents publicly slag one another over and over again? The children they got famous off of? Who’s checking the children while Mommy acts the martyr on Larry King Live and The Today Show? Who’s checking the children while Daddy hosts pool parties in Vegas and claims to be the abused spouse on Good Morning America? What’s Carol Kane up to these days? Can she go check the children?!

(One thing Jon Gosselin’s definitely checking is his Twitter feed. Yup, that’s right. The Other Puff Daddy joined Twitter this week.)

[ABC News: Jon Gosselin Speaks Out]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Abuse Victims, Ed Hardy, Go Away, Good Morning America Jon Gosselin Interview, Have You Checked the Children?, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Twitter Douches, When a Stranger Calls

Kate Gosselin Is One of Us

After watching Kate Gosselin’s interview on the Today Show Monday, we’re starting to believe that she’s more Asian than her soon-to-be-ex Jon.

Not only did she tell Meredith Vieira, “I wake up, and I feel a lot of failure” (around the 3:05 mark) concerning the end of her marriage, she also sounded a whole lot like a Hardass Asian Mama–one part stiff upper lip, one part guilt trip–when she said:

“I want my children to see a mother who is committed to her children, who’s determined, who has integrity, perserverance, and never gives up. I want my children to see that everything I’ve done for them is out of love.” (3:30)

Jon, meanwhile, was supposed to counter later that day in an interview with Ryan Seacrest on E! News that was mysteriously canceled at the last-minute. One hundred bucks says he’s scrambling to find a new PR team to make him seem like less of a douchetard loser as public sympathy grows for Kate, wackass hair, shrewish tendencies and all.

Good luck with that, buddy.

Filed under: Douchetards, Hardass Asian Moms, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Kate Gosselin More Asian than Jon, Kate Gosselin Today Show Interview, Martyrs, Public Sympathy

Does Jon Gosselin Have a Magic Weiner?

Star Magazine reporter Kate Major (pictured above) apparently resigned from her post today, noting a conflict of interest in working for the rag because she’s dating Jon Gosselin.

Meanwhile, Gosselin’s girlfriend from, uh, two weeks ago, Hailey Glassman, is still holed up in his NYC apartment–shocked and saddened to hear she’s been replaced.

MEANWHILE, Gosselin’s wife Kate is with the eight sperm sprouts (or “children,” if you prefer), who probably now spend most of their time wondering why Daddy smells like smoke, lives in the City, wears an earring and doesn’t love them anymore.

Excuse me, but what the hell does this guy have that’s so alluring? Baggage, a reality career, a wicked beer gut, mid-life issues, a receding hair line, marshmallow face, and a closet full of Ed Hardy? Oh… YAY. What a catch.

All I’m saying is, Jon Gosselin better have a 13-inch, rotund penis–or all of these chicks are absolutely certifiable.

[Just Jared: Kate Major Resigns from Star Magazine]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: All the Wrong Career Moves, Hailey Glassman, I Don't Get It, Jon Gosselin, K-Fed's Antecessor, Kate Gosselin, Kate Major, Large Penises, Reality TV, Resignations, Star Magazine

Everybody H8s Jon Not Kate

Ruh-roh. Jon Gosselin has a PRoblem (that’s a PR-problem).

A month ago, when Kate filed divorce papers, Popeater conducted a poll, and the majority of people sided with Jon. But recently, they conducted the same poll, and the results flip-flopped.

The lesson here?

Moving far away from your kids, trotting out your new 22 year-old girlfriend in the south of France, partying aboard a yacht, and looking like a douchetard one month after your divorce does not, as it turns out, make people love you.

Who knew???

[Popeater: Public Sympathy Shifts from Jon to Kate]

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Filed under: Christian Audigier, Divorce, Douchetards, Douchewear, Hailey Glassman, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, PR Nightmares, Public Perception, Reality TV