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Happy birthday to Chuck Norris, who turned 70 this week!
We’re not sure how someone who actually knew the late great Bruce Lee and came into contact with his philosophical deepness could become such an anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-science, fearmongering toolbag…
…but no one’s perfect, right Chuck?
From the Top 50 Chuck Norris Facts:
When you say “no one’s perfect,” Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Filed under: Black Belts, Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris Abortion, Chuck Norris Evolution, Chuck Norris Facts, Chuck Norris Gay Marriage, Conservatards, Karate, Martial Artists, Martial Arts, Tae Kwon Do, Tang Soo Do, Way of the Dragon
Now that the sacreligious Karate Kid remake (grrrr…) has been relocated to China and cryptically re-titled The Kung-Fu Kid (It’s almost like a brand new movie! Kinda like how Can’t Buy Me Love grew up and got an urban makeover for the new millenium, called Love Don’t Cost a Thing! Virtually unrecognizable, save for the uh, similar plot points!), maybe it’s actually been developed and re-thought. Perhaps it actually has a shot at being AMAZING!
Thanks, Jasmine and Jonathan!
The internet is abuzz, sorta, about new celebrity couple Keanu Reeves and China Chow!
Just Jared, described in the Vanity Fair Blogopticon as a “kinder, gentler celebrity-gossip blog, chockablock with exclamation points!”, seems to have the most pictures of the ghostly, sorta-famous pair, who were described as:
“…play fighting in the water and doing some sort of dance/karate stances along the shore.”
Witness said “karate stance”!
That’s weird, since Jared’s Asian!
That’s not even China Chow doing “karate” on the beach! Let’s compare photos! China is on the left, in a blue bikini, and the much-tanner Karate Lady is on the right, in a black bikini:
I know! I can’t believe I’m doing a bikinalysis either! But wait! It gets worse! There’s also a buttnalysis! The pale midget on the left is China (taken on a different day), the darker Amazon on the right is Karate Lady:
Source: Just Jared
KARATE LADY: Like this?
KEANU: Shake it like a polaroid picture!!
KARATE LADY: Where did you say you learned this again?
KEANU: Ibiza. No, on the set of Matrix: Reloaded.
KARATE LADY: I liked that film.
KEANU: Nobody liked that film, China.
KARATE LADY: I think your accountant did.
KEANU: You’re goddamned right he did.
KARATE LADY: I can’t believe I’m dating Keanu Reeves.
KEANU: Yeah you are! Did Marky Mark ever have pecs like these?
KARATE LADY: Well, I mean, he had pecs. What happened to you?
KEANU: What do you mean?
KARATE LADY: I mean…
KEANU: I’ll tell you what I mean: you’re so beautiful, of course I’ll go out with you. Look at you. You look like a little china doll, China.
KARATE LADY: Actually, powder pecs, if we’re assessing porcelain skin and bones, you’re the china doll here. I look tall and tan and young and lovely.
KEANU: (confused) That’s cool.
KARATE LADY: (confused) Okay.
KEANU: So when do we get to go eat together at Mr. Chow? I love his noodles.
KARATE LADY: Uh yeah, me too.
KEANU: Do you think I should call him “Dad?” or “Mr. Chow?” or “Mr. Dad?”
KARATE LADY: Um, I think I’d prefer a salad at La Scala.
KARATE LADY: Yes, always.
KEANU: Hunh. Okay. Wanna learn a different dance?
KARATE LADY: Sure… (sighs) Are you going to be filming a new Matrix sequel anytime soon?
KEANU: I dunno… Why is everybody always asking me that?
If you love David Bowie, as we do, you’ll get a kick (li-trally) out of this clip that our deputasian Greenie sent us from the Dinah Shore show, circa 1975, in which the very Thin, very White Duke gets a karate lesson:
One of our favorite, um, people, Lisa Ling, was married over the weekend to oncologist Paul Song, in L.A. Congratulasians, Lisa and Paul!
The bride wore a red Vivienne Tam dress, which followed the dress code edict laid down in their wedding invite: “If You’re Cool, You’ll Wear Asian Chic.” Many of the couple’s 550 closest friends complied with the drag-code and showed wearing chopsticks in their hair, silk pyjamas, and satin beanies with a single, braided pigtail.
Chic-est of them all were Paul’s groomsmen, who dressed in karate uniforms for the ceremony. K-lassy!
Given that the wedding invitation showed the bride pulling a rickshaw and being billed as “Risa Ring” on a kung-fu movie poster spoof, all this should come as no surprise. This couple is sooo self-aware, not to mention, HI-larious… deal with it!
But, really, I digress. I’d like to take this moment to toast Lisa and Paul. I raise my glass of flat diet Coke to you, and, to paraphrase my peeps (and Risa’s), I wish you Double-DISGRASIANess for years and years to come.