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Graduasian

May 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Conversasian between George W. Bush and Kasha Maria Charlton, a student whose Kansas town was devastated by a tornado a year ago, at her high school graduation:

GEORGE W.: Well, Kara, this is some graduatin‘ y’all are doin’ here.

KASHA MARIA: Thank you Mr. President. Um… Mr. President, my name is actually Kasha, not Kara.

GEORGE W.: That’s what I said, darlin’. Kara. I know sometimes it’s hard to hear through my axe-int. I’m from Texas. The Mexicanos call it Tey-hoss, but they are wrrrrongo.

KASHA MARIA: Sorry, sir. So yeah, er… Mr. President, there’s a “sh” sound in my name. Kasha.

GEORGE W.: I heard you the first time, goshbedarnit, Kara. It’s not nukular science.

KASHA MARIA: (ashamed) Oh my gosh, you’re right, sir. I’m so sorry, sir. I apologize, Mr. President.

GEORGE W.: Don’t worry about it, kiddo. So what’ve we got goin’ on up in here?

KASHA MARIA: Well sir, this is our high school graduation. We’ve overcome a lot to get here, what with the natural disaster and all.

GEORGE W.: (panicked) There wasn’t a hurricane, was there? Should we Chevy to the levee real quick?

KASHA MARIA: Oh no, sir. So um, Mr. President, I thought you knew–a really big tornado ripped through this area exactly one year ago.

GEORGE W.: Oh yeah! Tornad-a. Rhymes with Al Qaeda. That’s how Dick taught me how to say it. Tornad-a-Al-Qeada is like, a demonic device, which means it helps you remember stuff and stuff. Tornad-as, shoot, we call ‘em spinners at home. They look like Bugles. Delicious! Man, speakin’ of crispy corn snacks, I could really go for a box of Bugles right about now. How’d that spinner of yours turn out, anyway?

KASHA MARIA: Sir, it destroyed 90% of this town. 11 people died. I thought that’s why you came here to speak at our graduation. Because you wanted to take the time out to congratulate us on our success through tragedy, and lift this area’s morale–that is, between your hectic schedule of war-waging, fact-faking, and daughter-marrying.

GEORGE W.: Oh, only 11 people died?

KASHA MARIA: Uh… only?

GEORGE W.: Yeah, it’s like I tell all those donkey-asses every day. Only about 2,000 people died in Katrina. Only 5 grand have died in Iraq. That’s a small price to pay for American national security.

KASHA MARIA: Sir?

GEORGE W.: Hmm?

KASHA MARIA: What do natural disasters have to do with national security?

GEORGE W.: I guess mostly it all has to do with the fact that I don’t give two shakes of a lambs tail about poor people.

KASHA MARIA: What?!?! That doesn’t even make sense!

GEORGE W.: I mean, I feel t-terribly for your people. But t-terror has got to be stopped. Lots of folks kicked the bucket under Clinton and Reagan and heck, tons during World War II. Git the heck off my back, ‘naw what I’m sayin?

KASHA MARIA: Mr. President, no. No I don’t.

GEORGE W.: Well Kashi, that’s because you’re very young. You’ve only finished high school. And I’m sure you worked really hard studying all that ‘rithmetic and verbs and tests like the C.A.T. and stuff. But sometimes you’ve got to be a wealthy white oil man to understand stuff like this.

KASHA MARIA: Right. Mr. President, I actually think I have to go speak to the principal now.

GEORGE W.: That can wait, can’t it? We’re havin’ a blast! I can probably get us some Jell-O shots, if you want ‘em. Jell-O shots always remind me of graduations. Or is it the other way around?

KASHA MARIA: Actually, sir, I have to go to the bathroom.

GEORGE W.: Number one or number two?

KASHA MARIA: Oh my Lord. Will somebody please take the picture?

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Are You There God? It’s Me, Britney

September 10th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Britney busted with the Prayer Hands at last night’s VMAs during her dead-in-the-eyes, tragically lip-synced performance, “Gimme More.” But after watching her drift and gesture around the stage like a mentally-ill homeless woman shuffling along on the street…

…I realized that she was actually praying. And I’m pretty sure this is what she said:

“Oh Lawd. Please give me back the life I once knew. Replace this doughy beer gut with ma old six-pack. Make me look less like an awkward linebacker. My ass is so flat right now, it looks like the state of Kansas. Give me back ma charisma and ma innocence. I beseech you, even tho I have no clue what that word means. Please make the voices in ma head go away, too. Help me, Lawd. Please.”

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