You are currently browsing posts tagged with Ka-Ching Chong is the new English

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Shaq’s Chinese Is Improving

July 22nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

You may recall how, in 2003, before Shaquille O’Neal and Yao Ming’s first meeting on the NBA hardwood, Shaq attempted to reach across cultural lines and communicate with the then-rookie from China, saying on a FOX Sports show: “Tell Yao Ming, ‘ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh.’”

To which Yao responded, “Chinese is hard to learn. I had trouble with it when I was little.”


But that was then, and this is nao, and when Shaq took a trip to the People’s Republic this month, he showed just how far he’s come in speaking China’s native tongue and understanding its culture.

First, he got lap-danced by a panda. Then, he visited a Shaolin temple, where he Tweeted:

Ive been alotta place but being at the shaolin temple n china has brouhht a tear to my eye buddha blessed

The Shaqlin Temple

After that, he vowed to bring this mysterious, mystical martial art known as kung fu back to his motherland.

This may still sound like ching-chong to you, but there’s no denying Shaq’s conversational tone has improved. And Mandarin, as everyone knows, is all about tone. So Shaq must be one cunning linguist. (That, or he has some sneakers to shill.)

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Megan Fox Wants to Get Rain-ed On

June 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

On an Australian radio show last week, Transformers 2 star Megan Fox announced that she’d like to date Korean mega-pop star Rain.

“There’s this Korean Justin Timberlake named Rain. And I’m really on this situation right now, I’m trying to fix this up,” she said.

Seeing as how Rain said last year that he loves “sexy women,” especially Megan Fox, it’s a match made in heaven, right?

Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Coincidentally, Megan made this announcement right after the Seoul premiere of the Transformers sequel (where she wore a much talked-about, partially see-through dress.) In Korea, which Transformers director Michael Bay called “a huge emerging world market” and where the movie will open a week earlier than in the States. Where, as it so happens, the first Transformers killed at the box office (as it did in all of Asia). So her aligning herself with the hugest pop star in Asia? Definitely not a marketing ploy, merely a coincidence.

Ain’t love just so random and sweet?

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Thanks, Jason!

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All the Ragian: P.F. Chang’s

May 19th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Fake Chinese food is all the ragian during this recession, according to a recent story in Slate. While other higher-end chain restaurants are suffering closings and profit losses, P.F. Chang’s, the first Chinese (using the term loosely) food-chain to net $1 billion, has not closed a single one of its 350 restaurants (the Pei Wei Asian Diner chain–more pan-Asian and fast foodie–is also part of its empire), profits have increased by 38 percent since the first quarter in 2008, and its stock, incredibly, has doubled in the last six months.


So what is P.F. Chang’s–the “P.F.” is for founder Paul Fleming, the “Chang’s” is for Philip Chiang, the chef who designed the menu–ancient Chinese secret?

Running its businesses more efficiently without hurting the product, cross-training kitchen staff to perform multiple tasks (like prepping and cooking), and offering discounted lunch specials and prix-fixe dinner menus.

Hmm, let’s see…working more efficiently, multi-tasking, and discounting…in other words…P.F. CHANG’S IS FINALLY BECOMING ASIAN?

It’s about damn time its ka-ching-chongery added up to more than just lanterns and corny Xi’an terracotta soldier knockoffs scattered all over the place. Now, if only they could find a way to make their food Asian, too.

[Slate: The Secrets of Chang]

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Thanks, Huong!

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Ko-ching-chong-be Bryant

May 5th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Speaking of the L.A. Fakers, how did I miss the launch of Kobe’s Chinese-language blog back in January, where he went in full racial drag as one of us?


I swear he stabbed himself near the eye because even he knew what ka-ching-chong foolery that get-up was.

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The Chopstick Diet: The Ultimate in Ka-Ching-Chongery

January 14th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Chopsticks Diet is one of the latest nutritional fads, centered around eating healthy Japanese food with–you guessed it–chopsticks. Author Kimiko Barber contends in her new book by the same name that using chopsticks is the key to staying slim.

“In Japan, food is served in smaller portions and is designed to be eaten with chopsticks which slow you down, so you eat less.”

I love the audacity of this idea. Because it’s so obvious. And it’s such an outrageous example of “branding,” of selling a “concept” that has been quietly going on for thousands of years in certain parts of the world, only up until now, it was called “eating.” And because people (like Victoria Beckham) are gonna fall for this shit hook, line, and sinker the way they fell for feng shui, because it’s Asian and ancient and therefore good for you, like yoga, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, shiatsu massage, tai chi, and everything else “discovered” by D-list actresses and Hollywood wives and lifestyle douchebags.

Kimiko Barber: “Haha, suckas! Ka-Ching…Chong!

And somebody’s gotta get rich selling this Eastern mysticism-opiate to the masses, so it might as well be Kimiko. I’m just bummed I didn’t come up with the idea myself. Because then I’d be richhhhhhhhhhh! And I’d eat really richhhhhhhhh food because I would be one richhhhhhhhhhh bitchhhhhhhhh and then I’d get fat because I wouldn’t give a fuck what people thought of me because I’d be richhhhhhhhhhhh and wasteful and I’d wallpaper my bathroom with hundred dollar bills.

[via BuzzFeed]

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The Problem with Socialist Inculcasian (UPDATE)

August 25th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A UK man reported on a MacRumors Forum last week that he received his new iPhone pre-loaded with pictures of the factory girl who made it:


Okay, altogether now: Awwwwwwwwwww! Cuuuuuuuuute!

Now that we got that out of the way, can we be serious for an iMoment? The iPhone is assembled in Shenzhen, China (where basically everything you own is made). So this girl is Chinese. And we can comfortably assume that she’s been inculcated by socialist doctrine her whole life. Which means we need to shake some sense into her.

HOMEGIRL, LISTEN TO YOUR CAPITALIST SISTAS. Photos of cute Asian chicks that wind up circulating the internets so that pasty white dudes have something to spank it to are worth a premium, yo. Under no circumstances do you EVER give that shit away for free! Y’hear?!

[via BuzzFeed]

UPDATE: A spokesperson for Foxconn, who assembles the phones, calls the iPhone photo incident a “mistake.” You bet your not-free ass it is!

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Reebok Speaks Chine$e

July 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

He’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Yao Ming returned to the hardcourt today from a foot injury for 12 minutes against Serbia in the Stankovic Cup, a pre-Olympic tune-up tournament. China won 96-72. Reports said that Yao Ming looked “rusty,” but I doubt Reebok really gives a shit how he plays so long as his big ass is out there. The shoe company endorses Yao and this week unveiled the limited edition Yao Ming Omni Pump Hexride 5 in select Chine$e stores.


Reebok is banking on the fug shoe to make inroads to the Chine$e market, something Nike and Adidas already have a headstart on.

“With a huge global event like the Olympics, and with Yao as such a huge figure for the country, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity as we make our ka-ching-chong charge into China,” said Todd Krinsky, Reebok’s vice president of sports and entertainment marketing.

Only 2008 sneakers were made and they retail for about $130 dollars, or $886 yuan, almost half the average monthly salary of a well-paid Chine$e worker. The shoe is laden with “ancient Chine$e secret” imagery, like the dragon, Yao’s Chine$e zodiac sign (the monkey), and the colors red and gold.

Raise the red lantern and the roof, y’all!!!

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Opening Daysian

March 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Opening Day came early this year for the Red Sox and A’s (Tuesday 3 AM PST, to be exact) at the Tokyo Dome in Japan. Red Sox Nasian East and West turned out for the two-game series, which the Sox and A’s split.

I was sadly not in attendance, but Commish Bud “Ka-Ching-Chong” Selig showed up in the announcers’ booth for Game 1 and he said:

“I got up this morning, and as tired as I was…I was excited. Coming out here tonight and watching the Red Sox and the A’s, it’s really just remarkable. This could not have worked out any better.”

Then he splooged his pants and cried, “Play ball!” in perfect Japanglish.

With the new season sorta kinda underway, I thought it would be a good time to call dibs on Sawx center fielder Jacoby “Hot Ass” Ellsbury. Hear that, girls and gays?

Ellsbury, who is of Navajo descent, was called up late last year and, uh, performed artfully for Boston in the postseason, swinging, er, a huge bat (.438) in the World Series. During the season opener, he pulled off some spiderman shit in center:


Quite a catch, huh?

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Houston Rockets Mascot Nabs Ka-Ching-Chong Endorsement

December 21st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

This week, Houston Rockets mascot Clutch, the morbidly obese bear, scored a shoe deal with Chinese athletic apparel company Anta. Anta also recently signed Rockets head coach Rick Adelman as a consultant and gave endorsements to Rocket players Bonzi Wells, Steve Francis, and Luis Scola…NONE OF WHOM ARE STARTERS. And why is everyone and their mascot suddenly getting sponsored?

“All of these people,” said Chien Lu, head of international marketing for Anta, “have touched Yao Ming. They have sat in proximity to him on the bench while he was catching his breath. They have tasted the odor of his armpits on their tongues. And whatever touches Yao Ming turns to gold.”

Upon receiving the good news that the NBA and its mascots are winning the hearts and minds of a billion people one sorta good player at a time, league commish David Stern splooged his pants and celebrated the holidays early.*

*Everything in this story is true except for that nonsense about the bear. Though Clutch is, in fact, morbidly obese and will be appearing on The Biggest Loser: Mascot Edition next season.

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The Fresh Prince of Bel-Asia

December 10th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Like me, Will Smith was in Asia this past weekend, only he was promoting his new film “I Am Legend,” which opens stateside Friday, while I was losing money on the ponies (long story).

Goin’ native in Tokyo


After Tokyo, Smith went on to Hong Kong, where he reportedly asked action superhottie/director Stephen Chow to produce, direct, and star in Smith’s remake of “The Karate Kid.” This comes after weeks of rumors that Jackoff Chan was set to play Mr. Miyagi and Smith’s son Jaden would play Ralph Macchio (isn’t that creepy Smith imp 7 years old or something?).

In response to the offer, Chow told reporters:

“I’m very fond of ‘The Karate Kid’ and would love to join in the remake project, no matter as a producer, director or actor. But it depends on my schedule…”

TRANSLASIAN: Are you fucking kidding me? If I have to say, “Wax on, Wax Off,” I will wax your nutsack, naw mean?

Bustin’ with the Karate Hands


First Bollywood, now the rest of Asia. You gotta hand it to Slick Willy Smith, who declared his desire to shoot the Karate Kid remake in China, for ka-ching-chonging his way onto the Mother Ship. No wonder he landed the cover of Entertainment Weekly‘s “50 Smartest People In Hollywood” issue and #5 on the list. Perhaps he will use some of that ka-ching to buy a less creepy family and friends.

“Take us to your leader or we will blind you with our laser-whitened teeth.”


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The 2008 Pirelli Ka-Calendar

December 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

On the heels of opening a $97-million plant in China’s Shandong Province Tuesday, and announcing that “China, for us, represents the future, a new world to explore,” Italian tiremaker Pirelli released the 35th edition of its exclusive calendar, “Pearls of the Orient” (sounds of gagging), shot entirely in Shanghai. Coinky-dink? Prolly not. It’s the first calendar of its kind shot in Asia by Patrick Demarchelier and features ubimodels Gemma Ward and Agyness Deyn in racial drag, Chinese models Du Juan and Mo Wandan–also, I suppose, in drag–and one of my favorite actresses, Maggie Cheung. All of them are wearing Dior Hot Cooter.

Too bad you can’t buy the calendar (it’s only given to celebutards and other very important people), cuz I’d love to give my parents something chic to hang in their kitchen (do your parents do this, too?). Alas, most of us will have to settle with feasting our eyes on this preview:

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Booyao!

November 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
“Psst. Whatcha puttin’ in those Wheaties?”


Houston Rockets center Yao Ming was named Western Conference Playa of the Week yesterday after averaging 27.8 points, 10.5 rebounds, and 2.8 blocks two weeks into the season. This acknowledgment was the perfect capper to last Saturday’s highly-touted Yao-Yi showdown, where Yao and his Rockets won 104-88.

The most impressive numbers from that game didn’t come from the Chinese ballers, however. Chinese sports commentators estimate that the match–dubbed “The Super Bowl” by China Daily–drew 100 to 200 million viewers in their home country, causing NBA evil mastermind commish David Stern to splooge all over his suit pants and have a fantastic weekend.

David Stern’s “O” face


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