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DIANA: OMG, JEN. OMG. Did you hear about that jungle Asian lady in OC that chopped her estranged husband’s dick off and threw it in the garbage disposal? Er, allegedly?
JEN: Diana, everyone‘s heard about Catherine Kieu Becker! She’s the Dick Disposer!
DIANA: I thought of you, you know. As soon as I read the story, I thought of you.
JEN: Because I’ll cut your goddamn dick off if you fuck with me?
DIANA: Well, yeah.
JEN: That’s so sweet.
DIANA: YOU’RE so sweet, knife lady!
JEN: Aw, doll. You flatter me so.
DIANA: But I mean, she threw it down a GARBAGE DISPOSAL! Holy shit.
JEN: She meant business! “No dick-respect or anything…”
DIANA: They had to fish the pieces out and send ‘em to the hospital! I bet they were all gross and covered with hair and disposal gunk!
JEN: Maybe some onion peels and little bits of rice.
DIANA: EWW. Don’t you think that’s a little much?
JEN: Hard to say because I wasn’t there, but it’s certainly very thorough.
Loretta Sanchez, Blue Dog Dem incumbent representing California’s 47th Congressional District, would like to introduce her new web series*, How To Lose Votes And Alienate People. Here’s the first installation, pulled from a recent interview on Univisión’s Al Punto show:
Well shit, man. If I didn’t know any better, I’d venture that Sanchez’s eyebrows were–with an intensity–trying to cultivate a race war in Orange County. Those eyebrows betta hope this Vietnamese lady doesn’t come across them in a dark alley while packing Tweezerman Luxe Edition Swarovski® Crystal Slant® tweezers anytime soon. AND THAT IS NOT AN EMPTY THREAT!
*not an actual web series
Filed under: Anti-Latino, Blue Dog Democrats, Boat People, CA 47th Congressional District, Calling Immigrants Anti-Immigrant, Community, Congress, Don't Fuck With Jungle Asians, Drivel, Dumb Democrats, Dummyheads, Eyebrows That Frighten Me, Fools, Jungle Asians, Loretta Sanchez, Making Van Tran's Campaign Easy, Orange County, Race Wars, Really? There's No Better Option Than This Bitch?, The Vietnamese, Univision, Van Tran, Vietnamese Community, What If The Shoe Were On The Other Foot?, Xenophobia
Happy 41st birthday (yesterday) to my friend and bespectacled Wonder Twin Matt Sharp, frontman of the most spectacular band ever to rock a Moog. Many folks don’t know that the Virginian Rentals founder and former Weezer bassist was actually born in Thailand, which is perhaps where he picked up his jungle Asian ‘tude and Hardass Asian anal retentiveness.
After many years of hibernasian, Sharp and Co. recently released Songs About Time!!, an epic audio/visual compendium that includes 42 fresh tracks and 52 black-and-white short films (directed by the brilliant David Leamy) that were documented and released weekly in real-time over the course of one recording year. Well, it’s about time.
Happy birthday to Bobby Lee, who turns 37 tomorrow! We wish him a lavish day spent basking nude in the warm Los Angeles sun, lounging atop a very soft bearskin blanket, eating grapes hand-fed to him by a bevy of beautiful Jungle Asians while “The White Album” plays gently in 5.1 surround sound on a spectacular set of Martin Logan speakers.
Or a really nice dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory.
Hails from: Texas
Occupation: CNN Newsroom weekend anchor
I’ll admit, I find most Asian-American TV news reporters annoying. They’re either plastic surgery nightmares like KCAL 9′s Mia Lee or too fuckin’ perfect like Connie Chung or totally frivolous like the Chenbot. Also, they’re the girls our mothers always compare us with, as in, “Why can’t you be more like (fill-in-the-blank-Asian-lady-reporter)? She’s on TV all the time. She’s very big in the (fill-in-the-blank-Asian-ethnicity) community. And very, very pretty, though she wears a little too much makeup.”
But Friday night, when I got home from a concert and flipped on CNN for Hurricane Ike news, I took a shine to Betty Nguyen, who was reporting from Houston. Well, reporting’s not quite the word. It was more like, being blown about by hurricane-force winds in the middle of the night in a sad-looking, rain-soaked CNN parka while still managing to look spunky and game. I couldn’t reach my parents at the time, because their power–along with over a million others’–was out. And I was a little worried. Watching Betty steady herself and squint through the rain in her eyes that looked like tears, however, I felt weirdly soothed. And I reasoned:
Betty Nguyen is Texasian. So, of course, she’s “staring down” Ike. And she looks goooood, too, even though it’s the middle of the night and she has no makeup on. How does she not have huge bags under her eyes? Bitch. Oh, but she’s so cute. And she’s a Nguyen. Nguyens are Jungle Asians; they’ll fuck your shit up from here to next Tuesday. God, she’s teensy. But she’s not blowing away. So if this 100 lb. chick isn’t blowing away, neither will my parents. Phew! OMG. I love Betty Nguyen. She is such a dope storm-chaser! Hope she didn’t ruin her shoes in that puddle!
And, as it turns out, my parents, like Betty Nguyen, are doing just fine. Does that have anything to do with CNN’s hawt Hapa (Vietnamese-white) reporter staring down the storm? I can’t say fer sure, but I’m willing to believe it!
Filed under: Asian Female Reporters, Betty Nguyen, CNN, Hapa, Hurricane Ike, Ike You Better Leave Jen's Room Alone, Jungle Asians, News Anchors, Nguyens Rule, Staring Down the Storm, Texasians, UT Alums
As a proud Jungle Asian, I have a very serious soft spot for my brethren bred in the tropicalia of Southeast Asia.
So please join me in delighting at the summery, salty sounds of White Shoes & the Couples Company: a chic little sextet from Indonesia that makes the soft, lingering beats of bossa nova and samba seem fresh, and vintage beachy looks oh-so-au courant.
They’ll be crossing the pond to the west to join us for SXSW this year… we just hope they’re willing to party (dancing gently to island tunes) with us in Austin!