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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Julie Chen and Les Moonves’s Baby Boy, Charlie

September 24th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Congratulations to Julie Chen and Les Moonves, who welcomed the birth of their son, Charlie, Thursday morning in Los Angeles. The baby was due October 4th but arrived a little early. This is the first child for Chen, 39. Moonves, 60, has three children from a previous marriage.

Although Charlie was born just a few hours ago, the media-savvy couple have already released his first baby picture:


BABY CHENBOT!!!

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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They Must Call It Big Brother Because You Want to Steal Its Dirty Mags and Then Punch It in the Spleen

July 14th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Shooting Stars: The effervescent cast of ‘Big Brother 11′

I worked in reality television for four sordid years and never watched an episode of Big Brother (Dear God, I hope my former jefe isn’t reading this!). Instead, I studied the format on paper, religiously researched cast members and memorable conflicts, allowed myself to be fascinated by the number of cameras apparently mounted around the house, met frequently with the show’s multitude of producers, and believed–without ever seeing an act–that I understood Big Brother‘s point. The ultimate fish bowl, everyone called it. Pure genius, they described. A landmark achievement, one exec mused.

Lie.

LIE.

LIE!

What a Crock Pot of shit all of that was. Seriously.

I finally saw my first episode of Big Brother last Sunday (Mind you, we’re now amidst an ungodly Season 11) during periodic glances away from a lively game of Blackberry Sudoku. I can’t exactly tell you what was going on, but I did understand that the group had been divided into “cliques”–Oh, you know, like “Brains” and “Athletes”… and, ehrm, “Offbeat” cliques. (Gosh, I feel embarrassed just typing those words on the page.)

Problem is, based on pure instinct, I instantly found myself rooting against every single person in the house. The offbeat freaks were all poseurs, the brainy nerds awkweird and creepy. And the jocks, as always, spent so much time kissing their dumb muscles that I began to simply hate life.

But I didn’t just hate them for their cliquey leanings. Flaky blonde chicks that have never had a real conversation with a dork sporting a crappy adult faux-hawk are people, too, and I get that. But honestly, I racked my brain for minutes–MINUTES!–and could not determine a reason for a self-respecting human to immerse themselves in the sick, sad, exhibitionist world of Brother, for days on end with a house full of fairly unattractive and dull nobodys.

Okay, one reason. How great would it be to eventually see oneself on the small screen, juxtaposed with brassy, sassy host Julie Chen in one of these saucy numbers?

Yowza!

But that can’t be enough of a reason, can it? Back to the real issue! WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE THESE CAST MEMBERS?

[Uncomfortable silence]

Sigh. Apparently, people actually watch this dung heap. Check it out: moving right along, the douchebags in the house ultimately stirred up lots of trouble (and buzz!) after three of the castmates got into an awesomely lame argument that took a dark turn when Braden–a semi-ugly white dude with with decent abs and chicken legs–vented his frustration with Kevin–a blasian–by repeatedly calling him a “beaner” (1:16 of the video below)

Braden’s follow-up jab to the beaner tirade and resulting yellfest? “Hey, go back to Burbank.” (1:46)

[Stunned pause while blogger chokes herself]

Hunh. I guess that kind of people.

[via Reality Blurred]

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Thanks, jRu!

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Kavya Shivashankar

June 1st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Kavya Shivashankar

Age: 13

Hails from: Olathe, Kansas

Occupation: Spelling Bee Champ

Known for: Correctly spelling “Laodicean”–meaning: lukewarm or indifferent, particularly in matters of religion or politics–to clinch the 82nd Scripps National Spelling Bee last week. Being a Hardass Asian Parents’ Ultimate Wet Dream–watch Kavya’s interview with the Chenbot where she describes how she juggled training for the spelling bee with a busy schedule of homework, practicing the violin, and learning Indian dance, and how her future plans include going to “a good medical school.”


Damn, Kavya, do you know how proud you’ve made your parents? Wait, what are we saying? Of course you do. Enjoy it while it lasts, girl. Enjoy it, milk it, work it–just don’t expect something crazy to come from this, like getting a sweet ride for your 16th birthday, okay? Trust us, we speak from experience.

In related “news,” watch the Onion’s hilarious take on spelling bee winners here.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Au Naturelizasian

February 20th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Is that really you, Julie Chen (pictured below with her network president, er, husband, Les Moonves)?


Whither goest the helmet hair, the shit-ton of makeup, the pageant smile, and the weird plastic surgery?

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A Snuggie’s Warm Embrasian

January 29th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

MUST. BUY. SNUGGIE. PRETTY. ROBOT. CHEN. LOOKS. SO. CUDDLY. IN. HER. SNUGGIE. AREN’T. SIAMESE. TWINS. IN. LIFE-THREATENING. RATHER. SAD. SITUATIONS? NEVER. MIND. NEED. SNUGGIE. I. AM. SO. COLD. SO. COLD.

[via Videogum]

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Thanks, jRu!

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

January 8th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

This week, we celebrate the 39th birthday of Julie Chen, aka the reigning Queen Missus of the CBS empire. We envy her shiny-and-full-of-body coif and pretty eyes (we bet she’s got a sweet-bangin’ GPS system in her car, or some other cool gadget like that, too).

May she continue to look this lovely and ageless until robotic eternity! Her very existence makes us want to turn 39, too, like NOW.

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Chen-bot Beat-box

May 12th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Things you didn’t know about asiandroid Julie Chen that were revealed last week on The Early Show’s “Positively Prom Week”:

1. The first prototype of the Chen-bot (released in 1987) had a different nose that was modified by Japanese engineers in the 90′s to appear less Asian and appeal to a broader clientele

2. The Chen-bot prototype was popular among its high-school peers in Queens, NY, who were unaware that there was a “Small Wonder” in their midst

3. The current model of the Chen-bot is not only programmed to host television shows and provide companionship for successful, older men who don’t have time for human relationships, it also functions as a beat-box:

To purchase your own beat-boxing Chen-bot, click here.

Source: CBS

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Butt FirzzZzzt

August 14th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

People ask us all the time why we don’t disgrace Julie Chen more. The honest answer is that she kinda puts us to sleep. I tried TiVo-ing “The Early Show” six months ago and found it totally unwatchable. Julie, or “Chenbot” as she is known on YouTube, is so awkward in interviews, it’s a wonder she made it to network television. I’m not entirely convinced that she’s even Asian, because she’s dumb as a sow and appears to be good at nothing except sucking her boss’s cock.

This video sumzzZZzzzz up my feelingzzZZZzzz for Chenbot:

Is there anything else left to say?

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CBS Seems Like a Great Place

April 23rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


The OCA (Organization of Chinese Americans) spoke out yesterday against a JV & Elvis radio segment–a prank call made to a Chinese restaurant–that aired twice on WFNY 92.3 Free FM, a subsidiary of CBS Radio.

China Economic Net reports on these douchebags’ clever antics:

In the segment, the caller began by telling the first restaurant employee, “I would like some Asian food, son of a bitch” as well as to the second employee, “I would love to have lots of Asian food, son of a bitch.”

The caller then told the restaurant’s female employee, “Should I come to your restaurant so I can see you naked? ” and continued, “That way, I can see your hot Asian spicy ass.”

As the caller went on, he told another employee that he would like some “flied lice,” but not “some old dung” and indicated that “I am training in Kung Fu, bitch” before ending with “Tell that hot Asian girl answering the telephone, I’d like to tap her ass.”


Hey man, what’s with the rage? If you ask me, CBS Radio is on a roll! In fact, they should have called Don Imus into the studio for a little microphone party. Oh oh oh– and to step it up a notch they should have just sent some lackey down to the restaurant, found the girl with the most paltry grasp of the English language, and threatened to rape her. Funny! Laughs!

Another thought: This call would have been soooo much funnier if they would have made it to Les Moonves’ wife Julie Chen. Less opportunity for flied food jokes, but still HILARIOUS!

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