You are currently browsing posts tagged with Jon and Kate Plus 8
And you know what’s not tiny? The yeast infection I’m getting looking at those cheap hooker panties.
If you’ll excuse me…
Filed under: Cocks, Dicks, Hailey Glassman, Hooker Bitches, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Jon Gosselin Dick, Kiss-And-Tell, Magic Weiners, Mixed People, That's What You Get For Going Out With Hookers, Tiny Penises, Yuck
I don’t smile when a marriage splits up. Breakups are sad and awful things, and the end of a marriage is hardly a joke–they are painful for too many parties, from the parents to the kids to the kids’ teachers to mutual friends to the restaurant managers that always give married couples a free dessert after dinner to bubbly dry cleaner ladies that love to ask about how the other half is doing. The only people that enjoy divorces are lonely, angry folks and lawyers.
By no means a happy thing, but perhaps it is cause for celebrasian… for us all. This divorce brings the horrible couple one step closer to finality–or at least to taking their idiotic conflict offline, hopefully forcing them to focus on what’s gonna neutralize all of the shit they’ve put their kids through rather than their childish back-and-forth.
Meanwhile, the rest of us can all take a deep breath and the necessary 14 seconds to forget they ever existed.
So CONGRATULASIANS, Jon and Kate. We all probably need to get some closure and move on.
Filed under: Celebrasian, Divorce, Famous-For-Nothings, Fresh Divorces, Fucking Up Your Kids, Go Awaysian, Gosselin Kids, Gosselins Finalize Divorce, Jon and Kate Divorce, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Sad Things, The Gosselins
In an effort to fire back at his soon-to-be ex Kate Gosselin after she gave a much buzzed-about interview to Meredith Vieira on The Today Show a few weeks ago, Jon Gosselin will appear on Today show-competitor Good Morning America next week and tell “his side” of the story
for the thousandth time.
As I watched this latest installment of He Said, She Said from the reality TV couple, I couldn’t help thinking of that 1979 cult horror classic, When a Stranger Calls. You know, the one starring frizzy, funny-eyed Carol Kane as a babysitter who keeps getting crank calls from a deranged dude asking, “HAVE YOU CHECKED THE CHILDREN?”
Have they checked the children? You know, the eight children they have together? The children who’re growing up with the rich inheritance of seeing both their parents publicly slag one another over and over again? The children they got famous off of? Who’s checking the children while Mommy acts the martyr on Larry King Live and The Today Show? Who’s checking the children while Daddy hosts pool parties in Vegas and claims to be the abused spouse on Good Morning America? What’s Carol Kane up to these days? Can she go check the children?!
Filed under: Abuse Victims, Ed Hardy, Go Away, Good Morning America Jon Gosselin Interview, Have You Checked the Children?, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Twitter Douches, When a Stranger Calls
“Fuck you, TLC! Why don’t you take your fuckin’ morals and fuckin’ shove ‘em? Do you see me? Hostin’ a pool party in Vegas. I’m gonna be a fashion designer, dudes, so I ain’t gonna need your dumb baby-parenting show anymore. I have officially arrived.
My god, I am livin’ the life… livin’ the G.D. life, aight? Fame and uh, fortune. Bitches, bikinis and booze, yo. Look how large I’m rollin’.
Ahem. You may try to squash my Ed Hardy promo tour, but I will make you regret the day you ever put me on camera, touting me as a good parent. Ya hear that? YOU WILL REGRET IT. I AM NOT A GOOD PARENT. SO THERE.“
Filed under: 15 Minutes of Fame, Awful Clothing, Bad Parenting, Christian Audigier, Douchebags, Ed Hardy, Enough Already, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Las Vegas, Pool Party, Ways to Fuck Up Your Kids
Us Weekly seemed hardly able to contain its glee when it reported Tuesday that Jon & Kate Plus 8‘s ratings have dropped 61 percent after a month-long hiatus following the couple’s on-air announcement that they were separating. The first line of the news item read:
“Jon and Kate Gosselin returned to TLC Monday night, but many of their fans didn’t.”
The piece went on to mention that the ratings for Monday night’s back-to-back episodes “were also down significantly from the May 25 premiere, which brought in 9.8 million viewers,” implying that viewers are less interested in Jon and Kate now that they’re not one big happy family anymore.
But in reality, the exact opposite is true. The last episode before the show’s month-long hiatus was the one in which viewers learned that Jon and Kate were separating after 10 years of marriage. There was significant media build-up prior to that episode that suggested the couple would be announcing their intention to divorce on-air. So, a record 10.6 million people tuned in.
The May 25 premiere, which set a show-ratings record at the time, also followed intense media speculation–weeks of it, in fact, by folks like Us Weekly–that one or the other of the pair was cheating and that their marriage was in trouble.
Compare these numbers to the ratings for last season’s Jon & Kate finale: 4.6 million. That was back in March, when no one thought anything was wrong with Jon and Kate’s marriage (except, maybe, that Kate was a nag), and, at the time, it was the highest-rated episode of the show EVER. The ratings for Monday night’s episodes that Us claims lost so many fans, meanwhile, were in the same range: 3.9 million for the first half-hour, 4.1 million for the second.
The conclusion here? Viewers of Jon & Kate Plus 8 doubled when their marriage started to tank. Those new viewers weren’t fans so much as schadenfreude-junkies. People’s lives falling apart–isn’t that the grist of reality TV? Once the Gosselins revealed that their marriage was, in fact, over, there wasn’t enough of a carcass to pick over anymore. Moving on… If you look at the numbers closely, the show doesn’t appear to have lost any of its loyal fan base (although god knows why, we’ve never been able to sit through an entire episode, too many children crying at once, thank you very much).
So why report it this way? Perhaps because Us Weekly has profited enormously from the Gosselins’ marriage failing–producing six consecutive covers this summer featuring either Jon or Kate–and they’re not quite done feasting off that carcass’ bones?
Ruh-roh. Jon Gosselin has a PRoblem (that’s a PR-problem).
A month ago, when Kate filed divorce papers, Popeater conducted a poll, and the majority of people sided with Jon. But recently, they conducted the same poll, and the results flip-flopped.
Moving far away from your kids, trotting out your new 22 year-old girlfriend in the south of France, partying aboard a yacht, and looking like a douchetard one month after your divorce does not, as it turns out, make people love you.
Three weeks after his wife filed for divorce, Jon Gosselin took a weekend trip to St. Tropez with his 22 year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman (not this one, this one), daughter of the surgeon who performed Kate’s tummy tuck, where they spent an afternoon on “designer” Christian Audigier’s yacht.
But the weekend wasn’t all about fun in the sun for DISGRASIAN’s favorite Puff Daddy, who’s reportedly working out some kind of endorsement deal with Audigier, the man behind Von Dutch, Ed Hardy, his own eponymous line, and those giant billboards around L.A. mourning the loss of Michael Jackson.
As next career moves go, Jon Gosselin shilling for an overpriced–the tee he was snapped wearing in St. Tropez, above, retails for $187–eye-assaulting douchewear emporium sounds just about right.
These were just some of the blogosphere headlines that sprang up in the last 24 hours after this candid camera-oops of Kate Gosselin denying her twin daughter Mady water before an Access Hollywood interview found its way onto the internet:
Okay. Now that we got that over with, everybody take a deep breath and a fuckin’ chill pill, alright?
We don’t know if Kate Gosselin is a bad mother. We don’t know if 8 year-old Mady really hadn’t had water all day or she was just being a drama queen (Google her name and you’ll get “bitch,” “devil’s child,” and “needs discipline”). We don’t have any context for this moment, and we sure as shit don’t know what it’s like to have 8 kids and how that works your nerves.
But we do know one thing–this is no way to treat your Talent. And that’s precisely what those kids are, considering the Gosselins’ payout per Jon & Kate Plus 8 episode is $50,000-$75,000, not to mention all the free shit they receive, like those his-and-hers motorcycles and Kate’s plastic surgery. Plus, the kids are the reason why most people tune in in the first place. Sure people are still interested in Jon and Kate, but mostly, these days, for the schadenfreude. We delight in seeing Kate become more of a controlling, henpecking biatch and Jon an ineffectual, emasculated fat-face. We think there’s some relationship-truth to be gleaned from watching theirs fall apart, a pearl of wisdom in their misery that explains the essential difference between men and women and makes us feel better about ourselves. We’re busy picking sides (Team Jon and Team Kate tees, anyone?) while simultaneously reveling in both teams’ failure. If we want them to reconcile, it’s partly because we know that it would make for really “good TV.”
But the kids? They just work here–in this dismal, falling-apart, faking-it-for-the-cameras, cash cow-”reality.” And they are adorbs, the silver lining of an otherwise sad, sad cloud. So somebody–whether it’s their mom or an obsequious P.A.–better be getting them some top-of-the-line bottled water (we’re thinking Fiji) when they ask for it. Because they’ve fucking earned it.
Thanks, Erica and Jasmine!
Wait, wut? Did Octomom just say something that sounded kinda sane?
Nadya Suleman, single mother of 14, recently signed on to star in a TV series that is being called a “quasi-reality” show (seems appropriate, doesn’t it?). But when asked if it would resemble another show about a family comprised largely of multiples, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Suleman’s attorney, Jeff Czech, spoke on her behalf and said, “She’s been watching them a bit lately and thinks it’s boring.”
Is Octomom not so crazy after all? Maybe.
That’s a BIG maybe, mind you.
On the very day that I wondered WTF was up with Kate Gosselin’s schizoid hair, she and Jon gave an “exclusive” to Entertainment Weekly (question: is it still considered an exclusive when she also gave an interview to People in the same week?), wherein she talked about her hair and how “(e)verybody wants it.”
“It’s my attitude! Everybody wants it. It’s work. I have very, very thick hair, so it’s not going to work for everybody. I’ve seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it’s just won’t work. My hair stylist gets calls from all across the country.“
Uh, everybody, Kate?
We know how much you hate lies. And guess what? So do we.
We now interrupt our regularly scheduled Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus He Said, She Said Plus Tabloid Drama Plus A Publicist’s Worst Nightmare/Wet Dream Plus Jon Maybe Cheating with That 23 Year-Old Schoolteacher Plus Kate Maybe Cheating with Her Bodyguard Plus Who Could Blame Kate Since the Bodyguard Looks Like James Brolin Circa His Courtship with Babs Plus We Still Don’t Know Why We’re Talking About This Since the Show Bores Us to Tears…(deep breath) to bring you A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.
What the fug is up with Kate Gosselin’s hair?!
From the back, it looks like a freak Weed Wacker hair abortion.
Together, it reminds me of Harvey Dent/Two-Face.
It’s getting increasingly difficult to defend Jon Gosselin: the pudgy, frustratingly meek father from Jon & Kate Plus 8. Our position hasn’t changed dramatically–we’re not suddenly saying he’s a bad guy.
But he himself has stated that he exercises bad–well, “poor”–judgment sometimes.
Y’know, the kind of poor judgment that causes a man to ignore the fact that he’s a relatively famous reality TV dad, and get piss-drunk at a bar while surrounded by phone cameras and college co-eds? Or, most recently, inspires that very same man to voyage out (while his wife is in another state promoting her book) to a different bar–this time with a female friend he refers to loudly to as “babe,” bail from the watering hole at last call, panic at the sight of photographers and their mean ol’ lenses as they snap away, and have the “babe” speed off in his SUV, him riding shotgun, without so much as turning the headlights on?
Poor judgment, indeed. We’ve gotta say, we don’t know for sure what shenanigans Mr. Gosselin is up to in his free time away from Capt. Wifey. But we do know that this guy makes a lot of mistakes.
And Asians hate few things more than a bunch of fuckin’ stupid mistakes.