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Mark Ciptak, a new father in Tennessee, “surprised” his wife this week–by ignoring their chosen baby name “Ava Grace,” and instead submitting the name “Sarah McCain Palin” on their child’s birth certificate documents.
Ciptak, a blood bank employee for the American Red Cross, said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to “to get the word out” about the campaign.
“I took one for the cause,” he said. “I can’t give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little.”
What a gesture! And a clever and beautiful name, to say the least! I think, however, a unique spelling (Hollywood-style) of the “surprise” moniker would be more appropriate. How about: D-I-V-O-R-C-E?
Joining the ranks of bands who refuse to lose face on account of the Republican party are the Foo Fighters! They, like Heart, have submitted a public statement requesting that the G.O.P. discontinue the use of their song, “My Hero,” without permission.
“This isn’t the first time the McCain campaign has used a song without making any attempt to get approval or permission from the artist…. To have it appropriated without our knowledge and used in a manner that perverts the original sentiment of the lyric just tarnishes the song… It makes us ashamed to be us, because it seems like we wanna hang tight with that disoriented gook-hater and his caribou Queen. And listen, we’ve never been ashamed to be us. Would you be?
By the way, has John McCain ever reminded you of Herman Munster?*”
*Not all of this statement is true. Click here to read the original statement.
To the Vietnamese-American readers that I may have hated on too quickly this week, because of their undying, ungodly, unexplainable commitment to the support of Sen. McCain:
Hey. I’m sorry for calling you “gooks.” That was really rude, huh? Here’s the thing–I say–I was joking with a veteran–I hate to even go into this. I was joking with an old veteran friend, who joked with me, about Vietnam…. well anyway. I’m not really sorry.
So, anyhoozle, I think there’s a way for
you fucking head-up-your-ass, middle-class-fearing, Vietnamese McCain supporters to redeem yourselves in my judgmental eyes us to bridge the gap between us and allow us to be straight with each other again.
The Obama campaign is in dire need of Vietnamese-speaking volunteers to spread the good word and explain what’s what on the issues (think of it as missionary work) to the large Viet community there. The staff can train you, explain the issues, and help you help us. HELP US. Get on your moped and skedaddle over to Virginia. IF YOU WANT US TO BE COOL AGAIN, that is, then HELP US ALL.
WE ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.
As if I needed one more reason to loathe Sarah Palin, here’s another: she likened the Republican presidential ticket to the Tampa Bay Rays today in Jacksonville, FL, saying in her distinctive Alaskanasal, “The people in this area know a little something about turning an underdog into a victor, and we’re counting on you to help us do that November 4.”
(The Rays–who dropped the “Devil” from their name this year–had their first winning season in their eleven-year history in ’08 and are moving on to the American League Championship Series to face my Sox, last year’s World Series champs.)
But, you know, sports allegiances aside, Palin may have a point. Tampa Bay has the second-lowest payroll in Major League Baseball, and the other teams remaining in the playoffs have spent two to three times the money that they have. And they’ve only ever finished out of last place twice in team history. So they are underdogs. And, like Palin, the Rays are young, as a franchise and in terms of the average age of their starting line-up.
Although I wonder if Palin would be so quick to compare her ticket and its supporters to the Tampa Bay Rays and their fans if someone had actually briefed her on the fact that THE RAYS HAVE THE SHITTIEST FANS IN BASEBALL. Last month, when Tampa Bay held the best record in the bigs, their fans turned out in record-low numbers. Typically, there are as many fans rooting for the opposing team at Tropicana Field as there are fans root-root-rooting for the home team. And that’s when there are fans attending at all; the Rays rank a dismal 26th among 30 teams in fan attendance, averaging crowds of 21,459 in a 36,048-seat stadium. As a point of comparison, the Red Sox have sold out every home game since 2003 and Fenway is already sold out for next season.
So, if this is the kind of support Palin is “counting on” to make her and McCain “victors” in November, all I can say is, Bless her stupid heart.
Filed under: Alaskanasal, ALCS, Bad Parallels, Baseball, Bless Her Heart, Boston Red Sox, Fenway Park, John McCain, Losers, Mrs. October, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin VP, Shitty Fans, Tampa Bay Rays, Vice President
Perhaps you said what I said: WOOHOO! WE RULE! WE’LL WIN THIS THING! I’M SO PSYCHED ABOUT MY FELLOW YELLOWS!
…’Cuz if that’s what happens on November 4, we really will rule and I deserve to be super psyched.
Of course, as we continued to peruse through the rest of the facts about voters that have decided on their candidate, one glaring fact did emerge and pop our celebratory bubble:
Uh–what? Gotta ask all ma peeps now: WHY? Is it because yer all like, “He totally fought those fucking Cong Commies!” or “We ran away from big government, muthafucka, we ain’t goin’ down like that again!” or “I like that Palin lady–she’s spunky!” or “He only said he’ll ‘hate the gooks’ for as long as he’s alive, and that couldn’t possibly be very much longer?”
Um, well, at least I’m super psyched about a third of my fellow American gooks.
Last week, after Sarah Palin felt a barrage of public shame and ridicule after her sub-sub-par interview with Katie Couric–and was subsequently busted by the media for flippantly stating a position on Pakistan that McCain chastised Obama for during Friday’s debate–she did what any empowered woman running for Vice President would do!
She got Big Papa to hold her hand and pay another visit to that blinky, mean ol’ Katie Couric! Heaven knows daddy McCain could straighten that bitch out (first step: hate the game, not the player)–like only a good man would.
So tonight’s Presidential debate on foreign policy, the first such meeting between Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama is now confirmed to be on like Donkey Kong! We can’t help but wonder if The Maverick is feeling a little twinge of regret over his decision to selflessly suspend campaigning while his opponent continued to hunker down like a Hardass Asian Student in three days of intensive debate prep. As our parents always say, “When preparing for an important test: study until you want to die, or else kill yourself.”
If McCain, for lack of preparation, finds himself fumbling for an answer, might we suggest looking to running mate Sarah Palin for guidelines:
1) If a question includes big words, respond with a sentence that includes the phrase, “shore up the economy.”
2) Remember: we are in a crisis mode! Or something! Crisis mode!
3) Always keep your eye on Putin when he’s flying overhead.
4) If needed, drug your child and coo over it for the cameras. Use a baby with a mental disability for maximum effect. If you do not have a baby or young child with a mental disability, an adopted child of color will suffice.
5) Be sure to tease your hair before going on camera.
6) Divulge no information. Stick to making fun of “hope” and cutely wrinkle your nose when necessary. Oh, and “Drill, baby, drill!”
7) Say “John McCain” as much as possible.
8) If you’re asked to cite an example and can’t think of one, just say, “I’ll try to find you some and bring ‘em to ya!“
9) If you’re feeling bullied, remember that you were a beauty queen and/or prisoner of war and everybody else is just jealous.
10) Declare war on Russia.
Filed under: Barack Obama, Drill Baby Drill, Hardass Asian Study Habits, Hunkering Down, Idiots, John McCain, Lack of Preparasian, No Informasian, Palin's Katie Couric Interview, Presidential Debates, Sarah Palin
I’ve gotta hand it to him: John McCain is the McMAN. He loves this country sooooooo much! He cares about our well-being so much more than he cares about becoming President–that we know for sure.
Let’s say there’s a hurricane or something. And it’s hitting just when McCain is supposed to be heading to his party convention to accept his nomination for Prez or whatever. I’m telling you, he will BAIL on the convention and go to the hurricane! Even if he doesn’t know how he might help, and requires extra staff and support (which may or may not be distracting from relief efforts) when he’s down there, he wants to help! More importantly, he wants to help in person! Oh, and by the way, if you want to film him helping or maybe schedule a couple of interviews to talk about how he’s helping with some American hat on or something, I mean, that’s fine too. Remember: he’s thinking, as always, of the COUNTRY FIRST.
Or lets say that there’s a historic crisis on Wall Street–one that could and should have been predicted by all of the fat cats in Washington and their rich buddies in the City when they were making money hand over fist during the housing boom and economic upswing! Let’s just say that there is such a crisis, and something like a $700 million dollar bailout eventually proposed and on the table in front of the Senate.
McCain will literally STOP CAMPAIGNING. He will STOP THINKING ABOUT BEING PRESIDENT to go to the Senate and save the day. The AMERICAN day, not the Republican or Democratic day. God, it makes me tear up just thinking about it! I mean, how can one candidate be such a saint? And why does it play with my emotions so beautifully? Listen, he would never do this just for political gain, and certainly not just because he’s starting to sink in the polls (due in part to the population’s concerns over the economy). Why should he care? John McCain is a good man! He’s a good citizen! And this is a good country. Listen: just so you know, this good guy is different from the rest of his party–which is absolutely, in no way responsible for just how deep in shit our economy is–he cares about the financial crisis. He’s crazed over this bailout, even if he hasn’t read it yet. Country first, yo!
Filed under: Dirty Politics, I Truly Have No Idea Who This Guy Is Anymore, John McCain, Lame Excuses, Obvious Manipulation of the American People's Emotions, This is Bullshit, Ways To Get Out Of A Debate
Tens of thousands of jobs have been lost. People are losing their homes. Banks are collapsing. The stock market has suffered an historic drop. The largest and most stable financial institutions in our country are declaring bankruptcy.
Even if you’re not willing to admit that we are suffering through an abysmal economic crisis of mass proportions (We’re “strong,” right, Dana Perino?), you’ve got to admit that uh, we’re kinda in trouble and need to figure out how to turn this country around.
What can we do? What’s going to help? More importantly, what does our fearless leader say?
Our Commander-In-Chief’s party mate and Presidential hopeful John McCain is pretty damn old, too. If he gets elected, should we start sending telegrams to the White House? Or just get really, really big bullhorns?
Why in God’s name is my oldest, crankiest, meanest aunt stumping for McCain and Palin?? Is she even registered to vote? Also, I’ve only seen her wear cotton–where did she get this wooly mock turtleneck?
Jeezus, I’m related to another REPUBLICAN?? How did this happen?
So many questions. SO many questions.
This People magazine hit newsstands last Friday, promising an “intimate look” at would-be First Family, the McCains: