You are currently browsing posts tagged with John Mayer

John Mayer Apologizes For Having Diarrhea Of The Mouth By Having Diarrhea Of The Mouth

February 11th, 2010 | 4 comments | Posted by Jen

John Mayer apologized on stage Wednesday night for saying some racially-fucked things in that now infamous Playboy interview–like calling a “hood pass” a “n*gger pass” and saying he has a “white supremacist dick”–and made a special point of saying sorry to his back-up band members, most of whom are black (awkward!). Although he said he was done being “witty” and “clever,” and repeated over and over that he just wants to “play my guitar,” dude couldn’t stop trying to be witty and clever for over three minutes:

As much as we love a real, honest-to-God apology…DUDE SHUT UP ALREADY.

And the colored girls go,Doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo-doo-we’re-so-stoked-you-have-a-white-supremacist-dick-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo-doo-keep-plugging-chicks-like-Jessica-Simpson-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-that-is-so-fine-with-us-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-your-emo-sensitive-boy-MeMeMe-patter-gives-us-a-rash-doo doo doo-dooooooooo…

[NY Post: John Mayer apologizes, buying it?]
[Playboy Interview: John Mayer]

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John Mayer’s Racist Dick And Why We Love It

February 10th, 2010 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen

Despite claiming in a recent Playboy interview that “black people love me,” John Mayer doesn’t love them back. At least his dick doesn’t.

In the interview, where he overshares about masturbation, porn, and being sexually addicted to Jessica Simpson, among other things, Mayer says about his johnson:

My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

To which black, brown, and yellow chicks all over the world say, “Dude. No. No no no no no no no no no. You’ve got it all wrong. You have no idea what a HUGE solid you’re doing us by keeping your pasty prick over there. NO IDEA. Dude, seriously. Don’t ever change, no matter what people tell you.”

[Playboy Interview: John Mayer]

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Gabe Bondoc

September 23rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Say what you will about singer/songwriters –they’ve got to be dreamy. If it’s not in their face, it’s gotta be in the words, the vocal chords, their very essence.

It’s kind of shameful to admit but, for many ladies, the allure of a singer/songwriter is the musical promise that someone out there can and will speak to our very soul, peer into our heart and love us like we’ve seen in films and read about in weepy novels. Someone can hold us gently with just the lyrics on their lips, and they won’t muck it up with a gassy burp, prolonged glance at a Tecate girl, or grouchy man moment.

But let’s face it. Some singer/songwriter douchbags neg on the promise, and you realize that when they were talking about your body being a wonderland, they weren’t really talking about you; they meant every groupie and her mom, plus every tabloid-friendly celebrity they could get their grubby little hands on. Ew.

Gabe Bondoc doesn’t seem like an empty promise guy, though. He actually appears to be a real sweetheart, and whispers those soft secrets with a most ticklish, velvety voice, all the while working those animated cheek dimples and angel-perfect mug. Beloved on YouTube for both silly cover songs (like “Part of Your World” from Disney’s The Little Mermaid or N*Sync’s “It’s Gonna Be Me”) and original compositions, Gabe is a lighthearted dreamboat.

And a gentleman:

…so much so that we wish we were in a movie right now, so we could melt in his dreamy arms.

[MySpace: Gabe Bondoc]
[Gabe Bondoc - Official Site]
[YouTube - Gabe Bondoc's Channel]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Trucky In Love

January 7th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Star Magazine has reported that Jennifer Aniston recently scribbled down a love poem for her main douche man, John Mayer. And wouldn’t you know it, he went around and turned it into a beautiful Mayer ballad, a surprise unleashed upon her over the holidays while the two vacationed in Mexico.

Oh, my! Could we soon witness the release of the next great Mayer oeuvre? What could possibly top “Your Body Is A Wonderland?”

Let’s take a peek at Aniston’s lyrics:

Lucky in love, lucky in love
Didn’t forget me when I asked you to leave me.
Didn’t forget me
Now you’re alongside me
You’ve brought luck to love
I’ve been hit by a truck in love.

Um. Wow.

Looks like somebody’s been taking classes at the Tila Tequila school of Poetry, though they might be better served by sticking to a healthy regimen of Pilates, beach lounging, shopping for clothing basics, and taking on the occasional romantic comedy role.

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Viet Mankinis

October 1st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Say what you will about the Borat mankini–the hideous neon yellow reminds you of that crazy hipster, Blaine, from this season of Project Runway, the V-shape sends you into Nixon flashbacks, the exposed pelvic bones and pubes make you wanna ralph. Sure! Personally, I think it’s pretty rad. But, oddly enough, the outfit really, really offends some folks.

Apparently, it really bugs ma peeps back home in Vietnam! Word on the world news front is that two college kids in Hanoi have been suspended from school for a year and publicly chided for a comedy performance done in the mankinis–which was documented and posted on YouTube (it’s no longer available and only screen grabs survived). Sure, they jacked up the stakes by ripping out fake pubic hairs and rolling around like a bunch of hyenas on acid, but much of the media focus has been on their choice of dress.

Lemme tell you–I’m looking at the photos, and frankly I’m not offended. After all, I find it hard to imagine anything worse than:

“Reluctant” Fame Whore

this douchenozzle in the mankini.

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Justin Nozuka

May 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Try as I might to convince you to do otherwise, some of y’all are simply not going to burn your Jack Johnson, John Mayer (sure he’s got finger-lickin axe skills, but is why does he insist on using them on an inane blog and brainless celebrity girlfriends?), Josh Groban, James Blunt, assorted other J-name singer-songwriter-guitarist grandma-masturbation-material albums. Fine. That’s fine.

So I’m going to hop in the train for a moment here and introduce you to the one cute cute cutey J-name that we do actually happen to like: Justin Nozuka.

Go ahead… watch… listen…


…you love him, right? So does your grandma.

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Thanks, jRu!

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You Stay Out of This

January 16th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Prince of puss-rock and singer/songwriter/guitarist John Mayer apparently feels that he owes the world two cents on the dark cloud of judgment that has been hovering over his ex, bad f*ck charm Jessica Simpson, due to her instrumental role in ending the Cowboys’s pursuit if this year’s gold ring.

On his blog (yeah yeah, everyone’s a blogger), he writes:


Dear Dallas and Surrounding Areas,

This isn’t a sports blog, and it isn’t a publicity stunt. (but have at me if it feels right.)

This is about doing what I think is right as a person, in this case speaking my mind.

I have never known anyone to have more pride in their home state and their upbringing in it than Jessica Simpson has in Texas. I don’t really follow sports, but I have played some of my biggest and best concerts in your state, and having witnessed how dynamic the spirit there is, I’m betting emotions are running high right about now.

All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know. It’s one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don’t try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn’t be able to, but it’s less work for all involved.)

I just thought it would mean something coming from the guy who has the absolute least to gain from this. And if I’m out of line in having written it, too bad. I can spare a Wednesday’s worth of bad press if it means sticking up for a good soul.

JM

Now you listen here, John Mayer. I have said very few bad things about you in the past, save for the occasional jab at your white man’s puff and mild bewilderment at your inability to channel god-given fret-burning ability into anything but songs for moms to masturbate to. But who the funk are you to tell Dallas–and surrounding areas–or anyone at all– how to judge Jessica Simpson?

You don’t watch sports. The closest you’ve come to Texas Stadium is a show you played at the Smirnoff Music Centre where everybody likely sat down through the performance. Come on, muthafucka!

Do you even know what it means to care about a football team? Do you know what it’s like to spend year after year after year of your life trying to show your support, acquiring clothing for all weather types in your team color, spending your Sundays biting your nails, following your instincts to turn your hat (or rally poncho) backwards (or inside out) or whatever it takes to give your wide receiver sticky hands or the QB a laser eye (sometimes it works, just ask baseball fans)? Have you ever teared up watching that squirty little ball get knocked out of a running back’s hands just before he crosses into the end zone? Have you ever felt your head fall to the floor in disappointment after a missed field goal attempt? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE FOOTBALL? I HIGHLY DOUBT IT. BECAUSE IF YOU HAD ANY MINUSCULE GRASP OF WHAT IT MEANS TO CARE ABOUT THE GAME, YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY DARE TO CALL IT “DYNAMIC SPIRIT” OR “IMAGINE” THAT “EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH.”

EMOTIONS ARE ALWAYS HIGH. THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE FOOTBALL.

So how dare you, you pansy-ass, sports-ignorant, weight fluctuator… how dare you speak to football fans as if you have any idea how they feel? How dare you base a statement on such paltry research (i.e. putting your dick in someone), and ask Cowboys fans not to place blame for the destruction of their hopes and dreams on the talentless, blonde moron who could not wait for football season to be over–in less than a month–to spread her legs for the quarterback? Who the hell are you? Don’t you ever, EVER tell them how to think or what to feel or who to blame ever again! Do you read me?

Come on dude, they’re Texans. They’re gonna do whatever the fuck they want to. And that’s a promise.

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SNEWS

June 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

There are two VERY important snewzZzzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZzZzzzz itemZzzzzzzzzzzZZZzzzZZZZZZZZ today zzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzz.
zzzZZZZZZZ…Kate Bosworth was caught…EATING. PINKBERRYzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzZz
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzz
ZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz

And also…

ZzzzZZZZZZZzZzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZzzZZZzzzzZZZzzzzZzZZZzZzzzzzzzz
zzzzzZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzZZzzzzzzzzzzzzZzZzzzzZZZzzZzzzZZzzzzzzzz
zZZZZzzZZzzzZZZZzzzzZZZzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZzzzzz…must wake up…must get out of bed so…I can…practice…

…world’s wicked smallest violin.

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Not Surprising, But Kinda Gross

May 21st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

NY Daily News vomited up a pile of boring celebrity gossip this morning:

“John Mayer wasn’t licking his wounds alone in his room Thursday night after his split with Jessica Simpson.

The sensitive strummer was at Stereo ‘hitting on every super-skinny girl there,’ swears our source, ‘and only the really skinny ones.’ That would be the opposite of the voluptuous Simpson, who was in Cannes announcing ‘Major Movie Star,’ which she’ll start lensing this summer while Mayer goes on tour.

Despite the flirtations, particularly with one Asian model, Mayer left alone — perhaps already regretting the rift with Simpson.”

“Perhaps it was during these hiatuses that Mayer began to keep off-and-on company with an L.A. model named Caroline, one source claims. He ‘was always seeing the other girl anyway,’ said the source.”

1) Aren’t models just models?

2) The thought of John Mayer licking anything kinda makes me want to hurl.

3) “Sensitive Strummer?” Don’t tell me that any guy who writes the words “your body is a wonderland” down on a page isn’t just dreaming about blow jobs from groupies in a green room.

4) Yick. Please ladies, let’s not incorprate bloat-face into the dating pool. We’re already fighting the Asian moon cheeks, dude. That shit ain’t cool.

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Hey–Your Eyes Are Photographed Slanty, You Are Fair Disgrasian Game

May 8th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


JESSICA SIMPSON: I feel fat and wasted.

JOHN MAYER: That’s funny, because you happen to look…

JESSICA SIMPSON: Don’t say it or I swat your nards again.

JOHN MAYER: You’re difficult.

JESSICA SIMPSON: Shut up — just look gaunt and boring. We need to fit in here.

JOHN MAYER: I don’t think those puppies are fitting in anywhere.

JESSICA SIMPSON: Stop talking about my puppies. The world loves these babies.

JOHN MAYER: If those puppies were in China, people would be hunting them down to kill them in a stray dog-reducing initiative.

JESSICA SIMPSON: I only understood 5 of those 15 words.

JOHN MAYER: I used 21 words, you fool.

JESSICA SIMPSON: God, my brain hurts. Do we have any head cream?

JOHN MAYER: I know I’ve got some! He he he.

JESSICA SIMPSON: Seriously, how do my tits look? Look at them. My body is a freaking wonderland.

JOHN MAYER: I don’t want to look at them anymore, you nit. Your glandy fat bags are ill.

JESSICA SIMPSON: Don’t mess with me. You’re in a hot celebrity couple. I am putting you on the A-List. You’re at the Costume Institute Gala, bitch! Do you think you would be here without my orangey ass?

JOHN MAYER: I am bored out of my skin. I think a peacock shat on my shoe. And you call this the A list? I’m sorry, Chris Klein and Rose McGowan doth not an A-List make.

JESSICA SIMPSON: You’re nothing without me.

JOHN MAYER: I’m ruined. They won’t even let me into the Viper Room anymore. Any douchebag with a guitar pick can get in there. I used to have soft-rock groupies. Where did all of my soft-rock groupies go?

JESSICA SIMPSON: People love me. People love my boobies.

JOHN MAYER: You’re frightening.

JESSICA SIMPSON: JUST WALK AND LOOK LIKE YOU ADORE ME, DAMMIT!!!

JOHN MAYER: [launches into an a capella rendition of "Your Body is a Wonderland"]

JESSICA SIMPSON: LOUDER, WITH FEELING!!!

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