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Dickflashers United

August 5th, 2011 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

The first time I was flashed by someone’s unsolicited penis, I was 12. My female cousin and I were sitting at an outdoor table on the patio of a little French-Vietnamese cafe, eating cake, giggling, likely talking about floral skirts or boys. In the middle of a sentence, I noticed a man about five yards away, standing at his bicycle. “Yuck,” I said to my cousin. “That old  guy’s staring at us.”

“What guy?” she asked.

“Uh, the weird old guy over there standing at his bike,” I muttered under my breath. “Don’t look, don’t look, he’ll see–”

She turned unsubtly to look. I took another glance then, too, what the hell.

Undisturbed, the bike man kept staring at us. I immediately retreated from the eye contact and dropped my gaze… down… to… his limp penis, which was hanging out of the open zipper in his pants, the tip resting weirdly on the top tube of the bike frame.

Dirty, I thought, referring to both the tip-touched bike frame and the perv.

I was nervous and wanted to escape. She, thankfully, hadn’t taken in the whole picture yet. I spoke through my teeth, code-speaking a plan to get back inside to the safety of the cafe and its brightly-lit bakery case, and she followed me despite her confusion. We hid inside as he tucked his worm back in and pedaled away, then ran back to where we’d left our parents.

In the decades since, I’ve probably glimpsed about ten more strangers’ penises that I never wanted to see. Some silently shown, some being wanked, some flaccid, some less so, all hideous–because frankly, there’s nothing more hideous than an unsolicited penis.

Which is why I wish I had the nards to create a fake membership and start digging around on Dickflash.com, a forum for people that love to, uh, flash their dicks to strangers (and a couple of hanger-on basic exhibitionists), which Jezebel’s Irin Carmon kindly infiltrated and investigated earlier this week. Continue reading Dickflashers United

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Paging Sarah Silverman

July 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Last week, Daily Show co-creator Lizz Winstead had past DOTW Moe Tkacik and Tkacik’s fellow Jezebel editor Tracie Egan on Winstead’s show, Thinking and Drinking. (Moe is seated on the left, and Tracie, next to her).

Here’s what happens when “unfunny” is mistaken for “edgy”:

Oooh! RAPE JOKES!

Today, Jezebel’s managing editor Anna Holmes wrote that the drunken ramblings of Moe “Date-Rape Is No Biggie” Tkacik and Tracie “I’ve Never Been Raped Because I’m Smarter Than You” were a fucking shame.

And, for once, we actually find ourselves in agreement with Jezebel. Weird!

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The Good, The Bad, and The Incompetent

April 23rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Jezebel,

Do I look like Diane Nguyen, the hot poker player?


I don’t think so. I’d like to, because she’s very slim and pretty, but I just don’t see the resemblance. Jezebel sure seems to, though!

Sure, photo source FilmMagic may have started the trouble by spelling my name incorrectly when logging my “celebrity appearance” (huh?) for Declare Yourself at Russell Simmons’s “Turn Up the Vote” event last week. And yes, I wish I hadn’t eaten so many slices of Sally’s pizza during DISGRASIAN’s visit to Yale just days before, which apparently rendered me a full-on bloatation device and unrecognizable to the public.

But FilmMagic isn’t responsible for research. They take pictures. Jezebel, however low your standards may be, is supposed to be accountable for its words. And right now, you’ve gotta be responsible for this case of mistasian identity: I am not a poker player. I don’t even know what a royal flush is without a little armagnac in me. Please, please get that fact straight the next time you’re sifting through the B-list returns from a red carpet photo-op!

We’ve begged HRC to always do her homework. Now, we ask you to do the same. Come on Jez, reprzent a little for the ladies, and prove that you aren’t as inept as we’re starting to think you are.

Warmly,
Diana

Source Source Source Source Source

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Less Is Moe: Practically Part Two

December 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

We’d like to extend a formal apology to Moe Tkacik of Jezebel.com, who, after reading that she had been named DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK, wrote on her site:

I was saddened to find that I had been named a “Disgrasian” recently on some blog that looks out for the interests of Asians. They took issue with the fact that I said I “practically am Asian.” Duuuuuude, I would never sincerely claim to be “practically Asian.” I mean, how would I ever get my kid into a decent college that way???? Kidding!

Duuuuuude, we’re soooooo sorry, Moe. There’s clearly been a communication breakdown between us, probably due to the language barrier. When we called you “disgrasian,” we thought you’d notice that there’s “Asian” in the word, which is, like, practically “practically Asian.”

So there was really no need to follow that with all this:

I was a Guailo, and thanks to its shameful legacy of colonialism most Hong Kongers speak passable English so, like, no way was I running around that shit trying to learn Cantonese and every one of its NINE motherfucking tones. Thanks to Mao’s shameful legacy of totalitarianism everyone in China and Hong Kong soon too sort of has to speak Mandarin, so that is the language I went around butchering for most of the nine years total I spent living there.

It is soooooo cuuuuuute when you say things like “shameful legacy of colonialism” and “Mao’s shameful legacy of totalitarianism.” We soooooo appreciate the edumucation on such historicistical things, since we know nothing about them, despite the fact that both sides of Jen’s family fought the Japanese colonials in China, then they were either chased out of their own country or put into labor camps and tortured for fun because of Mao’s totalitarianism, and Diana’s dad grew up without a father because of Vietnam’s shameful legacy of both colonialism and communist totalitarianism clusterfucking at the same time. So thank you, thank you for opening our eyes (heehee, we made a rice joke) to, like, this fer serious stuff.

We also empathize with your struggle to assimilate in America:


…funnily enough, when I came back to an American high school, I’d spent so much time there some of my classmates actually did think I was Chinese…sometimes I am going to piss some of you off but really in the end I win because they’re paying me by the pageview anyway and pretty soon I’ll be outsourcing this shit to India…

People in our high schools thought we were Chinese, too! That’s key-razy! We have so much in common. And once you outsource your shit to India, we guess that’ll make you Indian, too! Cooooool! We’re so jealous!!!

Ya see, Moe, this was all a big misunderstanding. You have totally proven that you are practically Asian, though if you were, in fact, Asian, you would know that our shameful legacy of perfectionism kinda negates the meaning of the word “practically”; that’s like saying one is practically smart or practically good-looking or practically successful. Kidding!!! But we soooooo appreciate that you have a blog that looks out for the interests of, um…well, we’ll have to think about that one and get back to you.

sincerely with our heads bowed in shame,
“Some Blog that Looks out for the Interests of Asians”

Read all of the sweet things Moe’s peanut gallery had to say about us here, and put more ka-ching in Moe’s chong!

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