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Lindsay Lohan Potentially Banned From India, Glad To Still Be On List At All Major LA Hotspots

March 19th, 2010 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

UK’s Telegraph is reporting that Lindsay Lohan could be blacklisted from visiting India due to a visa fudge during her highly (self-)publicized trip to film a BBC documentary. Apparently her tweets weren’t only annoying to us.

From the Telegraph:

“The Mean Girls star had arrived in India to film an expose of child labour and trafficking of women which was later broadcast on BBC3, but she provoked a row when she claimed to have personally rescued 40 children.

In a series of updates on the social networking site Twitter, she boasted of her role in a daring raid on a child labour sweatshop and claimed the experience had changed her life….

…Now she may not be able to visit India again after officials looked at her case and found she had failed to apply for a work visa for her trip.

Continue reading Lindsay Lohan Potentially Banned From India, Glad To Still Be On List At All Major LA Hotspots

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John Mayer’s Racist Dick And Why We Love It

February 10th, 2010 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen

Despite claiming in a recent Playboy interview that “black people love me,” John Mayer doesn’t love them back. At least his dick doesn’t.

In the interview, where he overshares about masturbation, porn, and being sexually addicted to Jessica Simpson, among other things, Mayer says about his johnson:

My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

To which black, brown, and yellow chicks all over the world say, “Dude. No. No no no no no no no no no. You’ve got it all wrong. You have no idea what a HUGE solid you’re doing us by keeping your pasty prick over there. NO IDEA. Dude, seriously. Don’t ever change, no matter what people tell you.”

[Playboy Interview: John Mayer]

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Jessica Simpson On Being A Has-Bindi

October 27th, 2009 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana
Simpson Searches For Beauty

Simpson Searches For Beauty

“Ken, I am like, fully having soooo much fun in India! I’m so glad that I decided to wear my Indian vest and jean shorts to tonight’s gala. Remember when we bought this vest in New Mexico? I actually am kinda loving it right now.

Anyway, how much are you feeling this country? Everyone keeps saying sorry, sorry, sorry all the time. Who was it that was telling me that I should wear sorries for special parties? I didn’t know how to look sorry, so I just wore this old vest!

OMG, we have taken sooooo many awesome (three) pictures of all of the beautiful sights ( including ourselves at totally nondescript locations like the airport) here in this strange country!! Right?? I really kinda dig the hand b-b-bling, right?  Look at this! It’s like somebody… drew all over my hand!  I feel like they should, like, totally do this in America, cuz it looks so good on you no matter what size you are. Just like shoes and sweatpants. But I’m not sure about this bindi thing. I think it makes me look cross-eyed. Every time I look at it in the mirror I look cross-eyed.

Continue reading Jessica Simpson On Being A Has-Bindi

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Call Her "Geisha-ca" Simpson

August 21st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Jessica Simpson went to Tokyo this month to film scenes for her MTV reality show on beauty and body-image, where she roamed the streets in racial drag as a geisha:

Incidentally, during her stay, a 6.6 earthquake hit near Tokyo, and Jessica tweeted about it. (If you Google “6.6 earthquake,” the first entry you get is “Jessica Simpson tweets about 6.6 earthquake while in Japan.”)

So, let’s see…Jessica Simpson visits Tokyo as a geisha, then a 6.6 earthquake hits. Hmm


[via BuzzFeed]


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Um, Seriously?

August 3rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I don’t. Know what. To Think.

[via ONTD and Dlisted]


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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Thank You Football Gods, i.e. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo Are No Mo’

July 13th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Football Gods,


To those heathens who say that the Football Gods don’t exist, I say, “I pity the fool.”

To those blasphemers who would call Tony Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson two weeks before training camp “coincidence” rather than “divine intervention,” I call bullshit.

To the non-believers who think that Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson one day before her 29th birthday was stone cold, I think…damn, that was kinda cold, dude. Ouch.

But having ice in your veins and winning championships go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong, so I realize this is all part of your Great Plan, Football Gods.

So I praise you and I say…

So long to Bad Fuck Charms! Bring on Super Bowl XLIV! And Hallelujah, bitches!!!

[People: Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split]


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July 9th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Birthdays are nice, because sometimes they force us to say something pleasant to or about people we’re not usually all that nice to.

This week, that person is Jessica Simpson, who we’ve historically been, y’know, less-than-forgiving to (Note to Ms. Simpson below the pic):

HELLO Jessica Simpson, and happy birthday! You’re 29 and it shows wow, you’ve never looked better it’s awesome to still be able to say you’re in your twenties and unmarried and loving it, right? We’d like to wish you a great year and, for your sake, the ability to find some kernel of real talent within yourself so that you might actually become somewhat relevant in the public eye again. Party hard, lady! Maybe you can keep the birthday cake in your own mouth this time (see above for memories)!



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This Could Be the Last DISGRASIAN™ Post Ever

June 17th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Intern Jasmine thought it would be a good idea to send us this video of eight perfect, precious, cuddly baby pandas playing with each other and their toys in a little baby crib.

The good news is that this is potentially the cutest fucking thing I have ever seen.

The bad news is that I am so hypnotized, my heart so warmed by this adorableness, that I may never be able to write a mean word again. Not about Tila Tequila, not about Jessica Simpson, not about the Lakers.

Which means we at DISGRASIAN™ may be finished.

Goddamn you, Jasmine. Goddamn you! (Oh wait!! I’ve still got it…!)

[via Today's Big Thing]

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Gaining Weighsian

January 28th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Listen, guys. I’ll be honest. I haven’t done yoga in almost two years. I take the stairs up to my office–sometimes. I walk the dog around the block in the morning and night, and sometimes I walk fast, but that’s about where I max out. The way I see it, “exercise and my blogging life don’t mix.”

Sure, in the wee hours of the night, I somehow manage to make time to munch on sour ropes while wasting zombies on Xbox. Meanwhile, I find a way to house burritos at my local taco cart after any given night of drinking. And certainly, I don’t miss an opportunity to indulge my sweet tooth after gobbling the pie, crust and all, at Pizzeria Mozza.

My point is, I’m like anyone. Sometimes I get a little chubsy, sometimes less so. Perhaps it’s face bloat or hormones, post-holiday or high-stress, but sheez–it happens to us all. And I can deal with that. I have to. My favorite aunt and godmother–a zaftig, warm, no-nonsense, little woman–used to hug me hello with her big, soft arms. After a good squeeze, she would inevitably step back and say, “You are a little fatter than the last time I saw you. Most of it is in your face, but your legs are a little big, too.” It’s not a bad way to look at it. It’s just the truth; not really a positive or a negative, just the big, fat truth.

Yesterday, I posted a picture of Jessica Simpson, who is arguably enjoying her rejuvenated love life, and is (as always) compelled to dress up her new curves with detestable lycra and the world’s most unflattering pair of high-waisted pants. This is hardly the first time she’s dressed herself up in this fashion when riding the love train. In fact, her inclination to do so is now striking me as a behavioral pattern, which is just weird.

Apparently, I’m not the only bored blogger raising an eyebrow at Jessica’s puff. Some folks laid into her rather hard, and because she and her sister don’t have much in terms of career to speak of, they paid attention.

Ashlee (lil’ sis) even blogged about it (and since we’re blogging, I’ve included my responses below in RED):

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

Wait, are we talking about the same Fox News that boasted the “Obama/Biden, Osama Bin Laden, Coincidence?” headline last year? Or the Fox News that captioned The First Lady as “Obama’s Baby Mama?” Don’t be fooled by the moniker, lady–”News” is hardly their forte.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.

Uh, Ash? Celebrities are held to a different standard, particularly female celebrities. You should know this, and moreover be glad about it. That’s why y’all make magical livings just for being famous-ish. It’s why you’re photographed doing mundane activities like buying gas (just like Us!) and shopping for ugly cotton clothes on Robertson Boulevard. You, and your sister, like most of this decade’s celebutards, are not the most talented performers of our generation–if one would argue that you’re talented at all. You’re clothes hangers, club promoters, restaurant PR tools. The least you can do is keep your face clear, keep your tummy tucked, and name check Ed Hardy in OK! Magazine. Do your part. There’s not much to it.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?

I seriously doubt it.

I wouldn’t say much more to my mother and grandmother than, “My job is great! It pays very well. I honor you and our ancestors!”

My grandmother, on the other hand, had no problem telling me when I was looking plump and juicy.

How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

I don’t know man, that’s a question for God, I guess. Let me know how that Q&A goes.

Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Yeah! Like why any person would name their baby after Mowgli, a goddamn Jungle Book character? Jungle Book, which, besides being the world’s lamest source of name inspiration, is actually a racist fucking story. Wait, should we table this conversation and just deal with it on Fox News?

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More Procreasian

January 27th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Today, Intern Jasmine told us (via The Frisky) that, in the face of a slumping economy and a threatening low for the country’s birth rate, some bosses in Japan are encouraging their employees to leave work early… to go home and procreate.

First, my kneejerk reaction: Oh my gaw! This concept is so awesome: Lessen the workday and jack up the sexday! Sign me up! Why don’t I work in Tokyo? How can I get a job at Canon in Tokyo? I don’t know much about cameras, but I’m a fast learner…

My next thought, however: Oh shit, man, procreating isn’t just about doing it. I’m not too psyched about that jazz. Babies scare the bejeezus out of me. Let somebody else make babies. Is there still any way to get off early (har har) to increase the sex day?

And then, of course, my concluding thought: Yikes. It appears, now that the regular football season is over, that Jessica Simpson is getting laid again...

Hi! Where’s my waist?

…is this mess what happens when you work less and screw more? If so, I just can’t afford to roll like that. Furthermore, I don’t have enough unflattering high-waisted pants to keep up with such a lifestyle! I’m staying in America.

Fuck the sex day. Figuratively speaking, that is.

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In Preparasian for Jen’s Birthday

December 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Listen, guys. I’m sure you all know that Jen’s birthday is tomorrow, and that your gifts and cards are already wrapped, stamped, and sent. You’re just that kind of people!

But just in case you’ve shamefully procrastinated, I’ve included a handy-dandy gift giving guide that is no-fail! (And we all know how Asians feel about failure.) Trust me:

10. A pretty winter scarf.

9. A delicious cake from LA bakery Sweet Lady Jane, with “JANE” scratched out on the label–and replaced with “JEN.”

8. Custom GH axe

7. A hit on Jessica Simpson before Tony Romo and the Cowboys face the Steelers this weekend

6. Blood and Chocolate original print on vinyl

5. Vintage youth Dallas Cowboys starter jacket

4. Dumplings for our dumpling!

3. DDK on a plate

2. Cool laser gun to take down enemies (or Bai Lings)

1. The day off. Jen’s not writing tomorrow, biatches! Deal with it!!!

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Save A Cowgirl, Kill Jessica Simpson

August 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I sure as hell know what a smart cowgirl looks like: Jen.

This beer-peddling, middle aged, Bret-Michels-ish he/she, however:

…looks like no cowgirl I’ve ever known. And she certainly doesn’t seem the expert in “be[ing] smart.”

But hey, maybe Jessica Simpson “drinks” smart…

Somehow, though, I doubt it.


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