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A 21 year-old girl in China is getting plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba.
Now Jess is really, really hot. Damn near perfect, if there is such a thing. Worse, she’s only better in person.
But why would anyone want to look like some actress instead of like themselves?
Why, for love.
You see, Xiaoqing (future patient) was dating some cheesedick for a year and a half that was so obsessed with Alba that it consumed him entirely (read: he is a freakish stalker gnome), and eventually she had to bail. Post facto, instead of thanking bejeezus that she got away from that sick, sad, reality-challenged nerdbomber, Xiaoqing began to regret the split and brainstormed ways to get him back. The result of all that thinking was the choice to alter her appearance and become, as Erasure may have put it, Alba-esque.
Filed under: Actresses, Awful, Chinese Woman Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba, Donasians That Suck, Douchebags, Everyone Involved Has Major Issues, Exes Suck, Fantastic Four, Ick, Jessica Alba, Movie Stars, Nerd Crushes, Obsessions, Plastic Surgery, Sad, Self-Esteem, Weird Chinese Behavior
Hunh. In fact, Penelope Cruz and Halle Berry are the only other women of color to round out the fold.
Kim Kardashian’s new hair hue must be camo or something, cuz we can’t seem to spot her in the crowd anymore:
Jessica Alba thinks she’s one of us. In the latest issue of Elle magazine, she says:
“…there aren’t many other stars, besides Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez, who most people in the world can related to. We look like people of the world – I can kind of mix in with girls in Asia, South America, Europe.”
Okay. Let’s consider this for a second.
Like me, Jessica Alba played the violin:
Welcome to the tribe, Jessica Alba!
*Okay, this is not exactly true.
After watching the painfully unfunny trailer for Mike Myers’s latest character launch, The Love Guru, a myriad of questions swirled through my head.
1. Why would the man who is responsible for some of the most time-tested, money-pooping characters of all movie time:
…waste his time with a character Rob Schneider could have built? Nay, a character Schneider would have turned down. “Sorry guys, too hacky.”
2. And doesn’t being one of the most money-pooping comedy minds of our time grant you the right to cast higher grade talent then the cute girl from box-office snoozer Good Luck, Chuck?
3. Who would I rather lay: Shrek or The Love Guru? Definitely Shrek. Definitely. Mostly because the Guru is DISGRASIAN, but not entirely.
4. Are Mike Myers and I still MySpace friends?
5. I should check the DISGRASIAN MySpace page to see how many new friends we have. Oh wait. That’s not a question.
6. Why do Bollywood spoofs bug me so much?
7. Who would I rather lay: Vladimir Putin or The Love Guru?
8. What’s Jen doing right now?
9. Did Kanye and Hurricane Katrina knock the funny out of Mike? If so, is there some kind of reverse-centrifuge that can bring it back? Kind of like when Superman brings Lois Lane back from her well-deserved death by spinning the world backwards on its axis (by the way, this never made any scientific sense to me, but who cares about science when there’s Kryptonite in a locked chest?)?
10. And lastly, in what has always seemed like a very difficult rhetorical question, who would I rather lay, Justin Timberlake or Bruce Lee?
Well now that I’ve seen them side-by-side, the answer is easy: I’d take Bruce’s golden dropkick over Justin’s Timbersnake any day!
Here’s a pic taken from the set of the remake of Hong Kong horror-flick The Eye, about a blind woman who gets a corneal transplant from a dead guy and starts seeing crazy shit: