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Tila Tequila Twitters. A lot. She joined less than two weeks ago and has already posted over 500 updates and has 67,000+ followers at last count. She claims not to have a ghost Twitterer microblogging for her, but she also claimed to be bisexual just in time for–tada!–her bisexual dating show on MTV, so make of that what you will.
That said, Tila’s Twitter feed is her most interesting work to date. Here are the top ten things I’ve learned from “Twila”:
- She has a crush on David Lynch.
- She takes Ambien/Lunesta to sleep, and when she runs out of pills, Nyquil.
- She’s really pissed at Rihanna for not being a “better role model” and for “partying.”
- The “biggest celebrity douchebag asshole” she’s ever met is Jared Leto, whom she calls “a self-absorbed cunt.”
- She is BTF (Best Twitter Friends) with Meghan McCain (@McCainBlogette).
- She is always LOL.
- Her idols are “Kathryn of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth, Joan of Arc and Tupac Shakur.”
- The only person she really hates in the world is Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, because of the way that “hoebag…smiles when paparazzi’s are swarming her.”
JARED: I can’t, I’m emo. We don’t smile.
KAREN: Uh, okay. Pose, then. We’re on the red carpet!
JARED: Yay. (Shuffles awkwardly) Hey, you look nice.
KAREN: Thanks. So do you… do you always dress like that?
JARED: Like what?
KAREN: Like a skinny doorman?
JARED: It’s not “doorman.” It’s “emo.” I’m not just an actor, see. I sing for this band called 30 Seconds to Mars.
KAREN: Totally. So, how did you get so skinny?
KAREN: You’re skinnier than me. What the hell is up with that? It makes me look bad. (Thinking) Y’know, my mother is going to call me tonight after she watches the broadcast and tell me to stop eating. Again.
JARED: You might just try some kombucha. Try it every morning. You’ll poop all the time and won’t get the munchies. Seriously. Your legs will be like twigs in two weeks.
KAREN: They’re already twigs. I drink my mother’s dieter’s tea four times a day. It’s disgusting. You really drink that stuff?
JARED: Look at these legs. What do you think?
KAREN: Kombucha it is.
JARED: Have you given up rice?
KAREN: No. I–
JARED: Karen, rice is carbs. Come on now, you know better than that! Try substituting water for rice.
KAREN: But that’s just water!
JARED: Honey. Honey. With a little soy sauce, it’s soy water, not just water! You need to start thinking of the glass half full.
KAREN: What do you mean, glass half full? I thought you were emo…?
JARED: I am emo about other things. But in terms of hunger, I am always half full.
KAREN: You’re confusing me.
JARED: I’m an actor.
KAREN: God help me, somebody please take this picture.